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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taxi service for teenagers

203 replies

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 08:12

Frustrated with this situation. We have 4 older teens who we encourage to be independent. We have good public transport where we live, both buses and trains, and its a generally "safe" town, with low crime rate.
Eldest son (17) has GF (18) who is ferried everywhere by her parents: college, gym, friends houses, and back home again. She is one of 2 siblings. I have no issue with what her parents do for her, that's their choice, only DH has started mirroring their behaviour and has started going out of his way to offer not only DS lifts everywhere, but his GF lifts home from ours.
It's driving me insane. They both have feet and it takes them no longer to organise making their own way between venues than it does for an adult to take them here, there, everywhere.
Both are currently taking driving lessons, GF will be given a car when she passes, so will be "independent" at that point. DS will save for his own car and expenses.

OP posts:
Acqua · 15/02/2024 14:43

Sounds like your husband's trying very hard to be a good dad (and husband too) if you let yourself see it. This is what we do as caring parents. Ferry about. Ensure they're safe. Opportunity to chat. Be interested in their lives. Deepen bonds. Show them you're there for them whether it's something small like a car ride or greater. Teens won't be home for long. Your son will save up and get a car soon enough and you'll hardly see him. It's a lot to juggle in but perhaps you could both enjoy the rides whilst you can.

My own relationship with my parents was very strained (probably because they were always tired), but the one thing my mother did which showed me that she must have loved me were the car rides even when she was bone tired. It's not forever. But they will appreciate it and remember.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 15/02/2024 14:45

@ZsaZsaTheCat completely agree. I think the OPs username says it all

DataColour · 15/02/2024 16:54

The OPs DH sounds like he's choosing the easier of option of ferrying the teenager around though (who could get around by himself) rather than doing some hard graft at home where it's needed.

positivesliceofpie · 15/02/2024 16:56

Its a rave in the camper when i pick my son up music going both singing having a good time hes 19.
He can drive but waiting for car to get fix.
I drive a camper van bambi so very small but such fun.
One day he wont need me to get him and there be no more disco no more chat in the camper van.
One night i got him and 9 of his mates in the camper lads night out in town but pissing down and drunkish.
I was there to help dropping them off one by one around town i shouldent have
but i couldent leave them.
I felt like a part of the party that night for some unknown reason we were blasting the spice girls out 2.30 in morning in the camper van.
fun times sad to think its all coming to an end now.😥
Our first holiday was in the camper now ill be moving him out with the camper.
Hes waiting for his car to get fixed has a GF ftw moving out next month.
He a man but will always be my baby if he needs me ill be there in the camper van.

Sbera · 15/02/2024 17:26

Not read the whole thread but I’m lucky enough that my parents and in laws still ferry me around if I need them to and I’m in my 40s and can drive 🤦🏻‍♀️🍾

I will do this for my own teenagers until they no longer need me to. I see it as a privilege and agree with others the car conversations are the best ones.

On Valentine’s Day I took my 14 year old and his girlfriend to Nando’s and picked them both up. The girlfriend is out of my way. They had an amazing time and really appreciated it. I get a buzz from helping them live their best life 🤷🏻‍♀️

polarbearpaws · 15/02/2024 18:10

I had some of my best and most cherished conversations with my late dad in the car as a teenager with him giving me lifts. I think it's absolute bollocks to say it makes people "entitled" or the most laughable one- means people won't be able to be independent. I somehow managed to get a fantastic job, buy my own house, get married, develop a strong friendship group, raise children all off my own back, despite receiving lifts as a teen. The way people are talking on this thread, you'd think I should be still be wearing nappies and doing crayon drawings just because my dad gave me regular lifts in the car 😂

flutterby1 · 15/02/2024 18:13

So glad I'm not a ' taxi mum'

Thudercatsrule · 15/02/2024 18:21

To coin a phrase from my mum....you are a nasty piece of work. And women like you are the reason people think so badly of step mothers.

I'm 48, cant drive, but my mum still offers to drop me//pick me up if i need it!

And if my DH cant drop my boys anywhere and its dark/late/a long way, i get them an uber. Yeh its not cheap sometimes, but i dont want them walking for ages or waiting for ages for public transport. And hopefully once they have transport, they return the favor!

Magicmama92 · 15/02/2024 18:50

Unless it's miles or hours away constantly I don't understand the issue.
Surely your dh wanting to help is nice?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:10

flutterby1 · 15/02/2024 18:13

So glad I'm not a ' taxi mum'

You do you. But the car and sewing table are the two places DD really talks to me.

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 15/02/2024 20:23

Thudercatsrule · 15/02/2024 18:21

To coin a phrase from my mum....you are a nasty piece of work. And women like you are the reason people think so badly of step mothers.

I'm 48, cant drive, but my mum still offers to drop me//pick me up if i need it!

And if my DH cant drop my boys anywhere and its dark/late/a long way, i get them an uber. Yeh its not cheap sometimes, but i dont want them walking for ages or waiting for ages for public transport. And hopefully once they have transport, they return the favor!

48 and you have to coin your mothers phrases as opposed to creating your own, neither can you get around independently?

This is exactly the issue that I have, children (who will become adults such as yourself), who are incapable of thinking for themselves or take advantage of someone else's good nature (when they themselves may be thoroughly exhausted).

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 15/02/2024 20:24

Goodness, what a thread - clearly the OP is angry about more than just lifts.

Just to add a few points for all the people frothing about lifts being unnecessary, excessively pampering or leading to years of parental dependence:

Uber does not operate everywhere. In fact, once you get outside the M25 (or any other large city/town) it can be a pretty patchy. Just because it works in your area doesn’t mean it is universal.

In many areas, taxis are also pretty nonexistent outside the radius of a station. They won’t take you or collect you from a remoter location unless you pay for both ways of the journey. Even then, they might not fancy the job and just refuse to take it on. Buses? Limited.

The same applies to pavements. Fancy walking on a 60mph road with no pavement, verge or street lighting? No, I thought not. The same goes for cycling.

Even in populous areas many councils have dimmed or reduced street lighting after a certain time (even before last trains arrive) to save money. So what might have been a safe walk when you were growing up is now much more risky. That’s as much about falling over the potholes or badly maintained pavements as it is about attack. But my nice local town still has its fair share of creeps, flashers and doggers - what a fun way to enliven a night out!

I am talking about the Home Counties commuter belt by the way, not a remote part of the country.

Finally, most importantly, not all young people can learn to drive, including any young person who suffers from epilepsy and is not seizure free for a period of time. I am sure that might apply to other conditions or disabilities too. You never know what might be going on for other people.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:30

This is exactly the issue that I have, children (who will become adults such as yourself), who are incapable of thinking for themselves or take advantage of someone else's good nature (when they themselves may be thoroughly exhausted).

You still haven't answered the salient questions:

Does your DH want to do it?
How does it actually affect you or the other children?
Are they all your children?
Is he neglecting other shared tasks to do this?
How exactly is your anger about your DH's lack of boundaries appropriate?

It's not true that children who receive a lot of love and care and time from parents become entitled. It's MASSIVELY more likely to be children who receive things instead of love and care and time. IME children who receive love and care and time tend to emulate those things. And become effective adults. I was an absolute shit teenager and my parents never ever gave me lifts anywhere. I was travelling everywhere in London under my own steam at 13/14. Walking home from school alone at primary.

PoliteTurtle · 15/02/2024 20:38

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 21:08

I was under the impression that being married was a partnership.
Most married adults don't just "do what they want to do", irregardless of their partners feelings and a situation we have discussed at length (and previously agreed on).
One rule for one and a different rule for the rest is not the most consistent way to parent. A lift every now and then, no problem. Taking everyone, everywhere is not feasible, nor necessary.
However, is setting the bar where he will end up driving every one around every evening/weekend.
And while he is back and forth, I'm left with five others at home.
I'd love nothing more than to go off on a jolly drive every evening with a child of my choice, however, I'm left home doing everything else.

This seems like something bigger than an issue of giving a teen a lift all the time…
I hate the trope about 17 being almost an adult… in the eyes of the law, yeah, but they are still so young and need a different method emotional support and in the car with their dad is 100% important time for them to share! Men do not offload the way women do - it is special time.
Let it happen and enjoy it! because one day you’ll wonder why they don’t ask you for help anymore, and it’ll be because you’re bitter when he has asked now!? Yes it’s tedious, but he’s your big baby!!!

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 15/02/2024 21:19

I'm baffled as to why a question about the validity of giving lifts has evolved into a debate about a man's emotional vulnerability, dads and sons needing to spend time together, husbands/wives doing whatever they want regardless of the feelings of their partner, and the boring, big, bad stepmum issue.
I love ALL our children, do everything for all of them. DH children have been "ours" since their mum passed when they were very young. There is lots of family time, we spend time together as a family, have frequent family holidays, individually with each of the kids, have hobbies in sync with our kids, do lots of things together and independently. I'm practically Mary Poppins and my husband is exhausted and it frustrates me that noone stops to consider him and how he may need a break.
I don't agree with giving kids a lift when they can quite easily get around themselves and a 15 minute train journey one way is quicker than a 40 minute round trip in the car.
Yes, this one issue frustrates me. Perhaps more than it should.

OP posts:
PoliteTurtle · 15/02/2024 21:47

Okay he is tired and you’re… Mary poppins (that’s a very high hill to stand on), if he’s happy to give his son a lift, what’s your issue?
Do you want a lift and chat? Maybe you need one?🤭

Delatron · 15/02/2024 22:06

I do understand OP. I was very independent from about 15 onwards - I’d get the bus/train/night bus etc. My parents wouldn’t dream of ferrying me around (and I didn’t expect them to).

Because of this I get a bit annoyed at spending a lot of time ferrying my young teens around. I’ll make them walk if it’s walkable. But DH would ferry them to the end of the road! And makes me feel bad that I don’t. Instead of getting an Uber for our son after a party he will go and get him. It is very lovely but impacts our life.

Whatdoyouthink65 · 15/02/2024 22:07

If your husband felt it was too exhausting for him, perhaps he could say no. Marriage ( or parenting) is a partnership but that doesn’t mean the other parents has to obey your wishes.

My children are very young, but I fully intend being there to help them when they’re older and navigating the transition into adulthood. Tbh my 3 year old can plan a journey on public transport/ pay for it ( using my phone) and tell us when we’re at the right stop (Tram) so by your standard guess she is ready for independent travel. Each to their own with parenting choices, but imo you are being very unreasonable.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 15/02/2024 22:15

Mary Poppins 🤣🤣🤣Yeah right...

Angrymum22 · 15/02/2024 22:21

I love driving with DS19. We chat, listen to music, put the world to rights and generally people watch.
More often than not he drives me around nowadays and I annoy him with my backseat driving or, as he calls it “the invisible break peddle”.
I will miss him when he goes to uni in Sept and now he’s a proper adult spending time with him is great fun.
Maybe your DH just enjoys the one to one time that sitting side by side in a car affords you.

We do live rurally so public transport is very limited. DS has no problem using Ubers or trains to get around if he doesn’t want to drive. He has just driven himself to Staffordshire for a long weekend with friends, twelve months ago I would have been a wreck but he’s driven all over the country over the last twelve months and has a lot of driving hours under his belt. You never stop worrying though.

diamondpony80 · 15/02/2024 22:37

Angrymum22 · 15/02/2024 22:21

I love driving with DS19. We chat, listen to music, put the world to rights and generally people watch.
More often than not he drives me around nowadays and I annoy him with my backseat driving or, as he calls it “the invisible break peddle”.
I will miss him when he goes to uni in Sept and now he’s a proper adult spending time with him is great fun.
Maybe your DH just enjoys the one to one time that sitting side by side in a car affords you.

We do live rurally so public transport is very limited. DS has no problem using Ubers or trains to get around if he doesn’t want to drive. He has just driven himself to Staffordshire for a long weekend with friends, twelve months ago I would have been a wreck but he’s driven all over the country over the last twelve months and has a lot of driving hours under his belt. You never stop worrying though.

Edited

I could've written this, although DS is 20 and already away to uni. I miss the times I spent driving him around - they were good times. It didn't last long as he passed his test and got a car quite quickly. At 17 your time left with your kid is SO short, it's such a shame not to appreciate the little bit of one to one time you do get.

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/02/2024 23:01

Ah I was going to ask if he was your son or step son but you’ve answered the question. I don’t think you like him or his girlfriend very much

my mum gave me many lifts when I as younger, it really made a difference to me

she's now getting the favour back as she’s older and I drive her around now

please leave your DH to do what he wants with his son

Spicastar · 15/02/2024 23:49

To me it sounds the problem is one of these (or all of them).

  1. You feel your husband is being exploited.
  2. You feel your burden is heavier because DH is out of the house on his 'uber' missions.
  3. You fear your kids will grow up entitled.

But.

  1. Has DH said he doesn't want to drive, or is he escaping other household tasks or trying to get a break by driving? Does HE feel exploited? If he does, he needs to talk to the kids and set boundaries (with your help perhaps). If he doesn't, then it's up to him if he wants to do these trips.
  2. You need to reallocate the chores if it's too much and DH is too exhausted to help. Your kids are teenagers, surely they can do more? You say you have too much on; stop doing it all. Tell the DH you'll go for a drive for change and go have a walk/snack/coffee. Why do you need to be slaving away at home exactly?
  3. Kids will always keep asking help and favours, it doesn't mean they're entitled. But if this ruins your family life you can set boundaries. For example, lifts offered only on weekends, other times they need to find their own way. I'm unclear why you feel so powerless and can't change this situation in any way? Isn't your DH listening and if he isn't, is it because he does want to do it after all? People can have mixed feelings and motives about things and him complaining, still doing it, sounds like either he's a martyr or does enjoy the drives deep down.
Mamabearandcubs · 16/02/2024 00:25

Wow you sound a delight 🙄 your DS is not going to want a lift forever, if your husband has not got any other plans and wants to offer/give your son a lift is that not up to your DH not you and being ‘disgusted’ about your DH doing so is very extreme. My mum used to give me lifts here there and everywhere and I’m very independent and it was nice I knew I could rely on her if needed.

Snowbear32 · 16/02/2024 07:55

I think you need help with your anger issues tbh, OP. It's not normal to get so angry with something so mundane as a dad giving his teenage kids lifts everywhere. It's basically part of the universal experience of being a dad to teenagers.