Taxi service for teenagers

[Bleakmidwinter1977]

Frustrated with this situation. We have 4 older teens who we encourage to be independent. We have good public transport where we live, both buses and trains, and its a generally "safe" town, with low crime rate.
Eldest son (17) has GF (18) who is ferried everywhere by her parents: college, gym, friends houses, and back home again. She is one of 2 siblings. I have no issue with what her parents do for her, that's their choice, only DH has started mirroring their behaviour and has started going out of his way to offer not only DS lifts everywhere, but his GF lifts home from ours.
It's driving me insane. They both have feet and it takes them no longer to organise making their own way between venues than it does for an adult to take them here, there, everywhere.
Both are currently taking driving lessons, GF will be given a car when she passes, so will be "independent" at that point. DS will save for his own car and expenses.

This is a very different view to the OP. In the OP it's 4 older teens. Now it's stuck at home with 5. Presumably 3 of those 5 are independent at home.

So what's the actual issue OP? Care of the two smaller children (ages?), general resentment, worry about independence, jealousy of the relationship?

@Bleakmidwinter1977 I hear you! I was a single mum to two DS and when they hit mid, late teens and asked could they go to that concert, that festival, that country, I always said yes. That was followed by me saying yes, you're 17, 18, of course, but you make your own way and back and fund it yourself.

Encouraging independence is so important imo. But letting them know you're there in an emergency is also vital.

Are the older teens, your husbands and not yours? If yes, maybe you will think differently when your own are that age?

If they are all yours and you need your husband at home, you need to discuss this

Your husband is offering. If he doesn’t want to do it, he should stop offering. This isn’t your sons fault.

If you are having to do more at home because he’s taking kids places, you need to talk to him and work out something you’re both happy with. I do think giving lifts is part of having kids though and it’s nice to help them out.

We’ve always both given our kids lifts a lot although my oldest would happily use buses/trains/ubers til he passed his driving test. He helps out by giving lifts to his younger sister now he’s passed his test, when he’s around.

Youngest is 15 and we give her lifts
to most places, she doesn’t like using public transport so we work it out between us.

Just communicate!

I ferry my 19yo DS to most places, I would sooner that than him walk in the dark late at night. I could be accused of being OTT but I don't care. Also yes to those chats we have in the car, most days when not at work he is tucked up in his bedroom. He is off to Uni this year so my taxi days will be over.

You asked IABU and seem outraged that people think you are, it really is up to your DH to put his foot down if he doesn't like it.

You had 4 kids! Surely you joked about this when they were little. Taxi service is a key part of the parent role! Lol. I am joking, but only a little. This is precious time - very soon they will be gone and you’ll miss it. Also sounds like it’s very short lived if they’re both having driving lessons.

You said that your kids are older teenagers, so can't imagine that it's that big a deal if you are left at home with the rest of them....it isn't as if you're left alone wrangling toddlers etc.

I give my 18yo dd lots of lifts. I do it for various reasons. Above all, because I like to know that she is safe, but also because it makes her life easier and I am happy to do that. She is entirely capable of getting around independently when she needs to, e.g. when I'm busy with work or other commitments. But it takes much longer to get places by bus and ubers are expensive, so if I can help, why wouldn't I?

You seem to resent the gf's parents for ferrying her around, as if that has somehow created the situation with your DH feeling obligated to do likewise. However, they're free to parent in whatever way they like. Yes, it's probably easier for them because they have fewer children, but that was presumably a calculation that you took into account when deciding to have a big family - inevitably, you will have a bit less time and energy to invest in each individual child.

Erm this. My parents gave me lifts, I had a friend who's parents couldn't be bothered and I always felt sorry for her because of how shitty her parents were and didn't care about how she got home. It's the safety aspect for me

Hmm. I'm in the fence about this one. I've got one son who's passed his test and another who's learning to drive. Both myself and DH do a bit of taxiing for both of them, but I think there's a balance. If you ferry them everywhere it's no motivation for them to pass their driving test or become independent. I have friends who take their kids (one in their 20s!) everywhere and they are showing no signs of wanting to learn to drive.

Plus there's the cost. Petrol isn't cheap nowadays and this is an additional family expense.

I think a bit of taxiing is ok, particularly where it's maybe late at night or the weather is rotten but if they want to go somewhere at other times then they should get public transport.

Mumsnet is a bit weird on the subject of young adults becoming independent!

Do the older teens do chores? Whilst DH is giving lifts what are you left doing? What happens when other teens want to go out?

Try being without your car for a week or so and see how that feels…

I was that teen who was never given a lift by my parent (the other parent didn’t drive for health reasons). We lived 30mins walk from a station and there were very few buses.

Yes, I am still great at using public transport but what it really did was significantly restrict my opportunities and put me under huge obligation to other adults. I sometimes also got a lift home from teachers, which was not ideal. Not to mention a lot of walking down main roads alone.

Thankfully none of the other adults took advantage of my situation and I still remember their kindness. But I did once have a man try to persuade me into his car when I was walking to the station.

If your DH wants to provide this support to your son then I don’t think it’s really for you to resent it.

My dad used to drive me but would also get train into the nearest city with friends from 16 to cinema on our own. But your husband could always say no. My dad wasn't someone to say no either but I also knew when not to ask

My 18yo dd has already passed her test, so it had no impact on her motivation. She passed it before her bf passed his, despite the fact that his parents don't really do lifts. However, we have agreed that there isn't much point in her getting a car at the moment and I don't want to pay the massive insurance hike that it would cost to add her as a new driver to my policy. It's far more cost effective for me to give her lifts every now and then. Plus I don't want to share my car!!!

I do think it's possibly slightly different for parents of girls vs parents of boys. The safety concerns for girls are probably augmented, especially when they're out at night.

My dd is probably one of the most independent young people I have ever met, so it isn't as if she can't do stuff for herself when she needs to. She is more than capable. It's simply that I like to do stuff for her when I can...just as I like to do stuff for my DH, my parents and my friends to make their lives easier if I am able to do so.

Tell your dh you’re doing all of the lifts from now on while he’s at home with the other kids. He’ll soon reflect it’s not a sensible decision I’m sure.

Aren't the other kids older teenagers, though? What would be so awful about being at home with them? Perhaps the DH would just say "ok" and then the OP would be left doing all the taxiing, which she seems to resent enough already!

This is something my parents did for me until I could drive. It’s also something I really appreciated. I offered to help out with fuel costs and it gave me one on one time with both parents. Otherwise I would have rarely seen them. They also offered my friends lifts too, in fact most of my friends parents done the same.

Even now as an adult my mum and dad until he passed away will be my ‘taxi’. It’s not something I expect but even now I still love my car chats and pay it back.

My dad died last month. (Don’t get me wrong I’m mid thirties- still too early).

My relationship with my dad was a little strained around then, however in hindsight, I’d have treasured more time with my time. If it’s a five minute journey, you’re in a safe bubble.

A 17 year old boy has emotions that a Dad can help with. Don’t underestimate the value the time can give.

It’s up to your husband if he can dedicate the time.

My dad still insisted on taking and picking me up even when I came back home to visit after moving away and having a family - he was the best, it was even mentioned in my eulogy for him how he used to taxi my friends and I around.

I give a lot of lifts to dd's friends as well. I know she really appreciates it.

The fact that they don't need you to do it doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it to help them out. It's just one of the many little gestures that help to build positive relationships.

Am I the only person who hates giving lifts? Obviously I do it as it's afe but I hate getting out at 10.30pm to do short runs in the car. I'd rather snuggle dd at home.

Safe*

I'm with you OP and am sensing a lot of defensive replies on here from helicopter parents who insist on ferrying their adult or nearly adult DCs around or who were themselves chauffeured around.

Sounds like your DS has laid a number on your DH about how nice and kind his girlfriend's parents are and your DH has taken the bait and is now jumping through hoops to show that -he too - is a top Dad.

Your DS and his GF must be loving this with all these free taxis on tap.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves
No. In the op it implied she only had 4 teenagers. In a later post it was detailed 4 teenagers, plus 2 others, age unknown.

It's a bit of a pain sometimes, especially if it's cold, I'm tired or I'm watching something on TV. But it's no biggie really and I don't mind doing it generally.

So if the issue is that she is left caring for much younger children, why didn't she put this in the OP? It isn't as if the DH is off on a jolly in any case.

Personally, I will never understand why people choose to have more children than they are comfortably able to manage.