Taxi service for teenagers

[Bleakmidwinter1977]

Frustrated with this situation. We have 4 older teens who we encourage to be independent. We have good public transport where we live, both buses and trains, and its a generally "safe" town, with low crime rate.
Eldest son (17) has GF (18) who is ferried everywhere by her parents: college, gym, friends houses, and back home again. She is one of 2 siblings. I have no issue with what her parents do for her, that's their choice, only DH has started mirroring their behaviour and has started going out of his way to offer not only DS lifts everywhere, but his GF lifts home from ours.
It's driving me insane. They both have feet and it takes them no longer to organise making their own way between venues than it does for an adult to take them here, there, everywhere.
Both are currently taking driving lessons, GF will be given a car when she passes, so will be "independent" at that point. DS will save for his own car and expenses.

Of course it does not make a blind bit of difference to independence. I have never given anyone a lift in my life. I can't drive and have never had a car. I spent my entire childhood and adult hood dependent on public transport. My kids grew up entirely dependent on public transport. Now they can drive and give me lifts all over the place. Should I refuse on the grounds I need to develop independence? What a silly argument that is.

I agree. My DH doesn't drive for various reasons, so I have given him tons of lifts over the years. I will have to explain that in going to stop so that he can learn how to be independent!

@Bleakmidwinter1977

Meh, it wouldn't bother me. I always ran ours around - well, 90% of the time. DH did 10%. I would LOVE for him to have stepped up more. And quite a lot of the time, driving to a place is quicker than public transport, so I don't buy it, that your kids can get anywhere quicker by public transport than by car. Also, it IS safer for them.

Is your DH giving your son's girlfriend lifts on his own - like just your son's girlfriend and your DH?

My parents (especially Dad) ferried me everywhere as a teenager. Would think nothing of picking me up at 2am from the city centre and dropping my mates back to their homes. He did it with my brothers too. I’ll do it for my 17 year olds too. IT’S NOTHING! I wouldn’t want my 18 year old daughter using trains and buses in the winter in the dark, I’d give her a lift. Don’t worry they’ll be driving soon OP and that will fill you with worry (well it does most Mothers) then you’ll wish your DH was still dropping them.

I had a friend whose Mother never did her share of lifts, she’d say ‘I’m not spending my evenings being a taxi, I’m having a glass of wine.’ We are all in our 40s now and still talk about what a cold fish she was.

I see from another if your posts yesterday that your DCs are 6 and 8 whilst your step kids are the 4 older teens.

Well, that explains a lot.

I think there is a balance, giving lifts is nice but if it turns into drop them at school/college, pick them up from school/college, take them to the shops as they forgot something they need, after dinner drop them at friends/hobby, pick them up later then I think the balance has gone wrong somewhere unless you truly live at the back of beyond and they can't get anywhere themselves.

We always encouraged our kids (now 20 and 21) to use public transport/cycle/walk as much as possible. Or worst case, at least car share. It's better for the environment and better for their health. But we try to do the same ourselves. We would help them out when necessary, of course, but only when it was really needed. We also wouldn't give up evenings we had already planned to ferry them, except in really exceptional cases. They needed to learn to consider other people's plans as important too.

It only really became a bone of contention once they could drive and had a bit of a tendency to pop out in the car when they could have done it another way. Recently we have paid the price difference between car and train for our son - the train is so expensive!

Why does it bother you? It doesn't seem like you're having to do anything and your husband can do what he wants. Depending on times going home and stuff I'd want to be offering them a lift as well to be honest I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a teen to go home in the dark by themselves for example, even on public transport there are plenty of creeps around. I'm also quite wary of other teens and potential for harm to come. Maybe because I work with the youth justice so its extra hughlighted to me but even in the small rural town I live in there are high amounts of teens carrying around knives, getting into fights with strangers and causing general antisocial behaviour that I'd want to avoid my kids accidentally getting caught up in so when my kids are teens I'll likely ferry them around if its the evenings as well.

100% this. ^ I ferried my girls everywhere, as driving was often 5X quicker than the bus!!! And as I said, safer too. They are both in their late 20s now, left home at 18 for uni and never returned, and have their own house with their partner(s.) Older DD married, younger one engaged. They are close in age.

They also both have very successful careers, on WAY more money than me and DH combined. Successful, well-paid husbands too. Oh, and they both drive and have a car each - and so do their partners!

It's absolute bollocks that taking care of your kids, doing stuff for them, and driving them everywhere when they're kids will make them needy and dependent as adults!

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It is nice to do this for your children if you can, and gives you a special time with them in the car as well. It is safer too

Agree with this. The hourly bus to/from our village doesn't fit with the school times really so either me or DH take DS16 to and fro otherwise he'd have a long wait. Plus his girlfriend lives a 40 minute drive away and parts of that aren't covered by public transport so we take him around once a week or so. Other times she is driven here or they meet up at a town midway. We also take DS13 to school elsewhere as he can never get a seat on the bus, which is pretty dangerous (he gets a seat on the way home). We both say we enjoy the time chatting with them (that said, we're both retired and have the time).

Amen to that! And I know that type of CBA parent too. Think more of getting pissed of an evening than actually doing any parenting!

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Talk to your husband. Explain that you want him to become independent, and lifts aren't making that happen.

If regardless means without regard, what does irregardless mean? Without without regard....so WITH regard.
Sorry OP. Siding with your husband here. Keeps them safe. He wants to do it.

You sound like a really horrible person.
Also, ‘irregardless’ isn’t a word. 👍🏻

You sound like a nightmare. A marriage is a partnership 🤣.....I'd never ask my husband for permission. I'd never expect him to ask either. If my husband told me what I could and couldn't do like given my son a lift I'd be showing my husband the door. My kids are way more important than a husband that can be replaced! Just mind your own business

Wow, are you ok OP? The bile you're spitting towards your own child is horrendous.

Step child it’s been discovered. But yes some rather jealous emotions at play here.

Some of my fondest memories of my Dad are of him ferrying me about, well into my 20s. I look back and know how much he loved me.

Even now I’m an adult, if we are visiting my parents my dad will always offer to give us a lift to or from a night out. I did get taxis and things at that age, but he would always pick me up even at 3am if I needed it. I think back and it makes me smile, that was his way of showing us his love for us. My mum probably found it irritating at times but she saw it the way I do now, I think.

We ferried around my DS when he was a teenager. He's now 24 and picks us up (and our friends) if we want to go out somewhere and have a drink.

Wow, are you ok OP? The bile you're spitting towards your own child is horrendous

Apparently he's her step-son - which explains a lot, sadly.

My mum was 'too busy' to move me home from university for the final time - cue four round trips on the train with two massive suitcases. I could cry now when I think how I just accepted that was the way it was and didn't make more of an issue of it....

I'm confused as to how many children you have and the ages of them.

The problem is your dh not your ds, if he's disregarding your feelings and previous conversations about giving lifts.

Maybe your dh doesn't agree with your stance on lifts, maybe he wants to do things differently.

My youngest in 17 I give him lifts whenever he wants one. It doesn't occur to me to say walk unless it's very near and not dark.

My dh got out of bed last night at 11pm and picked our dd up from the station without a second thought. She is 24. Just because she's an adult doesn't mean she's not still our child and we want her to be safe.
Both dds have their own car so it's not a regular occurrence. When they were younger and needed a lift I put ds in the car and picked them up.

It's not your son's fault you're left home with your other 5 children, but that's what happens when one parent is somewhere else.

I just happen to be on another thread by the same OP, where DH is planning to take early retirement, which is causing resentment as OP won’t be able to afford to do the same as someone will need to finance the home. I assume this is all just part of the same problem, so DH spending more time with kids and OP having to do everything else

You sound awful. I suspect your poor eldest will become the one you make responsible for running his younger siblings around when he can drive. A friend's mother was like you - refused to help my friend to get anywhere, or back from anywhere, and friend ended up sleeping the night in some houses she'd rather not have slept in, consenting to something she would otherwise not have consented to, and then when she learnt to drive, the mother had her driving her siblings and non-driving father around. Horrible.