Taxi service for teenagers

[Bleakmidwinter1977]

Frustrated with this situation. We have 4 older teens who we encourage to be independent. We have good public transport where we live, both buses and trains, and its a generally "safe" town, with low crime rate.
Eldest son (17) has GF (18) who is ferried everywhere by her parents: college, gym, friends houses, and back home again. She is one of 2 siblings. I have no issue with what her parents do for her, that's their choice, only DH has started mirroring their behaviour and has started going out of his way to offer not only DS lifts everywhere, but his GF lifts home from ours.
It's driving me insane. They both have feet and it takes them no longer to organise making their own way between venues than it does for an adult to take them here, there, everywhere.
Both are currently taking driving lessons, GF will be given a car when she passes, so will be "independent" at that point. DS will save for his own car and expenses.

My DPs always gave lifts when they could and generally shared it with a couple of my friends' parents.

This week I drove my Dad to and from an emergency hospital appointment. Yes he has legs, can drive and has money to pay for a cab but as I was raised in a family where we help each other out I didn't give driving him a second thought.

I will be doing exactly the same for DC when the time comes.

Having seen your other thread that you posted OP, in relation to your DH saying that he wants to reduce his working hours and has suggested that you 'get your old job back' and working 40 hours a week again, I wonder if everything that he does is now starting to irritate you? You seem to resent him planning an early retirement (I certainly don't blame you if you are expected to go back to a full time role!) but you're also resenting him and sounding jealous of him spending time with the kids which is a bit weird tbh? Whilst he's out driving, what 'should' he be doing with you at home?

As for giving your DC's lifts, I never got a lift when I was a kid and always walked/got the bus, never bothered me. I however always gave lifts to my DC's, whenever/wherever. It never bred entitlement. It never bred non-independence. They've both gone to Uni, frequently use the trains to travel to see us/friends all over the UK and have done Interrailing on their own. So no, it doesn't necessarily breed entitlement etc as some other OP's suggest.

I'd love nothing more than to go off on a jolly drive every evening with a child of my choice, however, I'm left home doing everything else.

Why don't you take DS then.

I understand OP. I do think that in recent years teenagers have started being driven everywhere - and children. These days I see loads of children driven to school, even when they only live around the corner (less than a 5 minute walk). And teenagers seem completely dependent on parents to ferry them around.
I was a teenager in the early 90s and started clubbing when I was 17. I just got myself home! There's no way my parents would have waited up until 2am to give me a lift and they never suggested a taxi either. If I wanted to go out I'd walk home - a 40 minute walk from the town centre to my house. It wasn't just my parents, it was exactly the same for all my friends too. No one I knew expected lifts, we didn't live in fear of being attacked. Also from about 12 years of age I'd walk myself to and from friend's houses, to clubs and activities. It really did keep me fit.

It’s not clear whether you have actually spoken with DH about this @Bleakmidwinter1977 Why is he suddenly acting this way for this DS and his GF when he didn’t for your other children?

I however always gave lifts to my DC's, whenever/wherever. It never bred entitlement. It never bred non-independence. They've both gone to Uni, frequently use the trains to travel to see us/friends all over the UK and have done Interrailing on their own. So no, it doesn't necessarily breed entitlement etc as some other OP's suggest

Yeah, I don't get this mentality either. As a teenager, my friend's dad used to drive us literally everywhere- pick us up from night clubs, the cinema, drive us to the shops etc. He was a lovely man and a real night owl so he stayed up late anyway and didnt mind doing it and I think he wanted to ensure we were safe.

I still managed to get two degrees, start my own business, develop a great life for myself and I plan to do the same for my kids where they are that age. It didnt breed "entitlement" in any shape or form. In fact, I was very grateful for it and was really really sad when he died a few years ago as I have wonderful memories of him giving us all lifts in the car with Sinatra playing on the stereo. We all used to have great chats about life too. They were really fond memories for me.

You sound really ragey and I’m wondering if there are bigger issues behind this huge resentment.
Maybe he does the lifts to escape what must be a very unpleasant atmosphere? I think you need to talk.

It's a shame mi6re teenagers don't cycle, the roads would be safer if they stopped being driven everywhere

I think it's about balance. Giving lifts sometimes is a nice thing to do, but at the same time if it's not difficult/dangerous to travel somewhere, I think he should be going himself, personally. However, it's up to your DH whether he offers lifts or not.

Why did you marry your DH when you resent his children so much?
He sounds lovely, fostering a great relationship with his children.

I get where you’re coming from. We live in Edinburgh which generally has excellent public transport and all kids under 22 have free bus/tram pass, but despite that our DD aged 19 will frequently ask her dad for a lift here, there or wherever. A good example is she’s heading on a European city break shortly & asked if she could get a lift to the airport at 8.30am. The airport is around 45/60 minute drive at that time and you need to pay a drop off fee. The tram stop is only a 5 minute drive from our house and it takes her straight to the airport. For free. And it’s probably quicker. Obviously she’s taking the tram but her dad would have given her a lift if I hadn’t said anything.

I don’t think that makes me a bad person, just someone with a bit common sense. Oh, and she’ll be taking the tram home from the airport & one of us will collect her from the tram stop 😁.

She does know however to phone us if she is ever stuck on her OWN at night time and one of us will gladly collect her. Note the emphasis on ‘own’, this was after she called me at 2am to collect her from a friend’s flat which was nearly an hours drive away. When I arrived, out she pops with 3 of her friends - who all live within 5 minutes walk of our house. And the topic of their conversation while I was driving? How much an Uber would have cost to take them all home. They were absolutely oblivious to the irony of it. Needless to say the conversation was had on when it’s appropriate to call us in the middle of the night 😉.

despite all that, she’s a good kid who’s now passed her driving test so it’s pay back time.

Not sure why you asked whether you are being unreasonable as you are clearly not willing to listen to anyone else's point of view. I agree with other posters that you seem very ragey and that there is more to this than your DH giving children lifts. Sounds like there are issues in your marriage you need to address, and I would suggest counselling to talk them through.

My DS 14 has a bus pass so uses that to get him about.
Sometimes I give him lifts but most of the time I don’t.

If we were a 2 parent household o would probably give him more lifts but I’m shattered.

Your DH might enjoy those times in his car with his child.

I gave my teens lifts when they wanted/needed one and I still do. My eldest is now the first to offer me lifts to/from the airport or on nights out, at ridiculous hours of the day/night. He's a proper caretaker, which pays dividends for him in his relationships. So, you get out what you put in.

Given the amount of flowers on trees at the side of the roads around my way from (mostly young) people being killed on bikes or on foot, I don't think it would be safer at all. Parents ferrying their kids around aren't generally mowing down other people's kids. Feckless drink drivers, drug dealers with fake plates, and teenage drivers with inadequate common sense are better targets here.

I hate giving lifts it's so boring and costs a lot of money on fuel so the dcs often have to find their own way to places. Sometimes the chats are good but half the time they pop their AirPods in and/or nap!
I'm not a live in taxi service - if I said yes to all lifts I'd never be in.
I make sure dd has a pick up from work at night but I'm not sacrificing every weekend evening to be her personal chauffeur she can get Ubers here and there.

It’s fine for your DH to give his children a lift. If it’s inconvenient he can also say no. Is there anything he should be doing that he’s not because he’s giving his kid a lift every now and again? My dad used to love giving us lifts (and continued to do so until the year before he died, even after we were all married with kids!). My friends and I called him DadsCabs. Sometimes my mum came along for the drive. I think he enjoyed our nights out vicariously- all the excitement of going out, and hearing all the gossip when we were a bit pissed on the way home. It sounds silly, but it’s one of the things I miss most about him - the chats and the laughs during the drive (and yes, if he took us out shopping I always made sure I paid for his coffee and a bun. He would never take payment. He just enjoyed it and wanted us to be safe.

I don't think it's teenagers being given the odd lift by their parents that's causing the roads to be so dangerous!

I drove my teens everywhere and anywhere and at any time of the day or night and yes, it IS and was special time. Doesn’t matter they were 17 not 7. It was precious time together before they left home. Exhausting at times but it was what I wanted to do. Always drove their girlfriends home too if needed. Just part of parenthood for me as it’s what mine did. Before I knew it, they’d passed their driving tests so could take themselves out but I am glad I helped them out. I think what your DH is doing is kind.

I take my 13 year old SD where she wants to go if it’s not an easy place to get to, it’s the evening or I believe the journey would go through a sketchy area. Otherwise she gets herself places either on foot, or via a bus if it’s only 1 bus ride. She has life360 on her phone and I have it on mine so I can see where she is if I needed to find out. I think it’s important to encourage independence where possible/safest. When she is 17 I will pay for lessons but the purchase of a car/insurance will be up to her to acquire. The same goes for our younger children aged 6, 3 and 1 when they are older.
In my opinion by the age of 17, I wouldn’t be ferrying my children anywhere unless there was a reason they couldn’t get themselves there, or it was an emergency.

There’s always someone on a thread that makes everything clearer, cos I’m trying to understand ‘disgust’ at someone giving their kids a lift.

Thanks @Seeline .

Oh! So he’s not your son and that’s what the problem is?

Frankly it’s none of your business.

Reverse the roles. Imagine the furore if a wife came on here and said her husband was telly her not to give lifts to their children. He would be called controlling.

If he doesn’t mind, I’m not sure why you do.

Edited to add: I’ve read you other posts on this thread. Giving his DS a lift isn’t really the problem is it?

the way you talk about all of them comes across as extremely bitter, rude & resentful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what any of them are doing. They are all showing kindness, love & support to eachother. You’re not even the one taking part in any of it so why it bothers you this much is concerning. If you want to be a happy person, and have a good relationship with your DH, children & children’s partners you should definitely seek out some therapeutic counselling sessions & figure out why you are so bitter & resentful towards them about their completely normal, loving supportive actions towards eachother, in a totally an unproblematic situation. Maybe you never received this kind of kindness & suport from your parents & it’s causing this bitterness. If you don’t want to push your DH & children away with your resentment You should really try fix your attitude.