AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

In a way he’s right… accept it or leave.

Can you really build a future with someone who shuts down when you try to talk about your feelings? Or someone who’s unfaithful when you’re going through depression?

You can’t build anything with someone who can’t take accountability. End of.

You’ll end up resenting him, which I think you’re already starting to do.

I mean, you could force a conversation but I think he's already telling you more by his actions...

He knows you want more, yet, he's offering nothing.
He couldn't cope with a girls weekend which triggered depression (so no more girls weekends away for you?)
He then attempted to cheat.
He couldn't cope with counselling, but subsequently invalidates your feelings.

I'm sorry, but he sounds utterly exhausting. No wonder you're miserable.

Do you want kids?

Are you driving or sharing the drive?

I think it's bonkers and unfair to raise that in the car. You'd be out of the car at the next available spot if I was driving!

it all sounds awful anyway. Like he stays because cba to leave or something.

Honestly, I think you should use the long drive to think about what you really, really want. He's told you what he's prepared to give, decide if it's enough for you. Don't try and make him talk about his feelings, he's already let you know that's not a thing so it'd be a mistake.

He doesn’t care about your recovery I’m afraid. And his closed demeanour strongly suggests that he is still ambivalent on some level. He is hiding his feelings because there is something to hide.

i wouldn’t blame you for trying to drag a conversation out of him but don’t expect anything other than an argument - is that safe while driving?

He betrayed you and is not making proper amends at all. Just a moment of explanation and some self piteous crying and he was done and dusted - while you are raw and your head is still spinning and you need much much more from him to rebuild trust. Sounds like you won’t get it.

Sorry OP - you deserve happiness and respect. LTB.

I wouldn't be having that. Either he talks or I would leave. What sort of relationship is it if you can't discuss the important stuff? Ie how you feel and what makes you tick, what's important to you? You also need to be able to talk through difficult emotions to both "move on" and understand each other. Communication is key to any relationship. And he doesn't bloody get to say how and when you should have "moved on" by. Who made him in charge of how you feel? That's not his decision to make.

This is reminding me a bit of a couple on "Couple's therapy". He has had multiple affairs when away from home and I think he was saying that it was different if he was visiting another place. He was also saying that she should have "moved on" from her upset over this even though they hadn't really talked about it satisfactorily. I think he was quite dismissive from memory. He was also extremely resistant to opening up. I think what the therapist got to eventually was that he didn't want to talk and wanted her to "move on" because it made him feel bad to talk about it. And he didn't want to go there. Anyhow I'm not recalling all the detail but it might be worth you watching as it might give you some insight possibly. I found the show really interesting generally and, although I don't always agree with the therapist, it gave me some communication tips to take into my own relationship. I can't remember what series the above couple were in but you might find it interesting to watch.

I agree with all the comments so far you either need to accept what happened and move past it or leave there is no point constantly brining it up you know he won’t talk about it so what’s the point in trying to force the issue with him. And bringing it up in the car is a terrible idea he could very easily put you out at the next service station you really don’t know how he would react and being stuck in a car with him is not the time to be bringing it all up. Your hitching your wagon to the wrong man do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with his bullshit or would you be better off walking away from the relationship and finding someone that will make you a lot happier than he does. Don’t stick all your eggs in his basket because it seems like he’s throwing them out as you’re putting them in.

I COMPLETELY disagree with this post.

Some of the best conversations I have with people is in the car.
This also applies to awkward conversations.

Apart from the quoted post, I agree with a lot of what PPs are saying.

However, @LovingZelda if you want to start a convo, use "I statements"

Eg, when you do/say x, I feel y

You can't disagree with an "I statement" (because you can not tell someone else how they feel), but you CAN discuss it

@RockyRogue1001 I'm not the only poster who thinks raising this issue in the car is a bad idea.

Some of the best conversations I have with people is in the car.
This also applies to awkward conversations.

This is true. There's some fairly obvious psychology involved.

But awkward conversations require someone's consent. You cannot just corner someone and make them participate. I'd say something like, "I'd love to chat on the way up to Scotland about a few things that have been bothering me. Is that OK?" If he says "no" you don't. But, and it's a huge but, I'd then be rethinking the relationship. He's changed, he tried to cheat, and he has no interest in your feelings about it. Done.

You need to think hard about what this man has done.

You going away for two bloody days supposedly triggered his depression because his mates weren't available?

He then decides to punish you for daring to go away by looking elsewhere.

He was/is conditioning you to behave.

Have you stopped going away with your friends now op so he will stay and not cheat?

Get rid of him, rebuild your self esteem and be happy instead of in this sad limbo.
He's doing it on purpose.

This sounds like a truly terrible idea. He’ll either say what you want to hear to get you off his back or get in a mood and the journey will be awful.

TBH I am not sure why you’re still there. It sounds like you’re at best incompatible, but at worst he’s a controlling manipulative cheat (really- one girls weekend sent him into that kind of spiral?). I’d be taking some time apart rather than going to Scotland.

I love you, Mrs Terry P, but I don't totally agree with this.

I think being in the car (both of you looking at the road ahead/things all around/NOT at each other is a GREAT time to spontaneously bring things up.

You have to be prepared to drop the conversation, but it's a great conversation starter, and one that DOESN'T have to be pre-planned

How old are you both? Tbh after 7 years I think you’re flogging a dead horse. He’s disengaged and emotional illiterate, you’re bitter and resentful. Don’t you think if it had a future you’d be able to have a normal conversation about it without waiting till he’s stuck in a car with you for hours?

I think being in the car (both of you looking at the road ahead/things all around/NOT at each other is a GREAT time to spontaneously bring things up.

I completely agree that the geography of car-chats is perfect. But 8+ hours in the car with a sulky resentful man who you tried to have a conversation with and he didn't want to... <shudder>

Maybe compromise and bring it up an hour from your destination, OP.

Car journeys can work for recalcitrant teens. They work because the lack of eye contact, noise level, motion - whatever it is adds up to them being more receptive and able to open up up in that environment. Somehow it takes to pressure off.

However it's a terrible idea to insist on it with a partner "because he's trapped". It's completely missing the point and it could even be dangerous if he is driving.

Keep the music down low, broach the subject very tentatively. Only proceed if he is receptive, and essentially consenting to have the conversation.

Also bear in mind the potential outcomes. I once endured a plane flight next to 2 people who started it as a a couple and ended it as exes. Bluntly how will the rest of this trip feel if you break up midway?!

It's a conversation for a journey back home so any trip isn't ruined or awkward, is that possible?

You could have a great conversation due to the dynamics as stated in other posts but what is that he could actually say that would be acceptable? His depression sounds more like neediness, no one to pander to him so he seeks the easiest method but fails - intent is what's important here.

I know it's all too easy to throw an LTB around but what are you gaining from this relationship? Does he value you or is he a bit of a prick?

I have a rule with my husband that anything that needs to be discussed - never in the car

It's time you accept the fact that this man will never be capable of giving you what you need. You've already wasted so much time, and for what, it's hard to imagine.

Excellent advice here. You deserve better than this.

This sums it up perfectly, your attitude would drive me insane

I am not saying that to have a go I genuinely would mean it, if it happened to me

Definitely DONT raise it in the car with him.

So he is emotionally unavailable.
And gets angry when discussing emotions.

Discussing emotions with an angry person on a long car journey to Scotland where they cannot escape and are effectively cornered is a terrible idea.

And a sure fire way to ruin your valentines evening.

I agree you need to speak to him about this, but not tomorrow on a long car journey.

It's a terrible idea. Trapped together for hours in an uncomfortable silence?

To sum up what many others have said, do you really want to be in a relationship where you can only talk to your partner if he's trapped with you for a long period of time?

If you can't talk to him at home where you both live, in the car is not going to be better. The issue is that he is not interested in meeting your emotional needs in the car or anywhere else.

Why have you stayed with him when he acts like this and won't talk to you? Send him off in the car and tell him not to bother coming back