AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

It's another case of he isn't who you want him to be but rather then accept and leave you are hanging in desperately hoping he will suddenly turn into a different person. He won't.

This

This is who he is? Constantly trying to find ways to get through to someone who isn’t interested must be exhausting. In the nicest possible way, take the hint.

TBH I think you're flogging a dead horse.

Do you understand why he is like this - have you been able to get a credible handle on that? Sure - you could raise it on the car journey - I think you have to be smarter if you want to make any progress with the issue - if he's going to react badly then obviously it may well spoil the whole trip - that reaction in itself is a real problem - speaking from my relationship experience - you really do need to be able to say what needs saying, get things off your mind, be brutally honest, be able to deal with being on the receiving end of that - deal with it like an intelligent adult etc - you have to be able to get to really understand how you partner ticks - that's part of how you built real trust. To me - it sounds like he has a very long way to go - anyone can speculate as to why - if you can't get a good deep open two channel of communication going with him - I'd give up and move on - all the plus points in the world aren't going to fill this gaping void in your relationship (imho of course). My view is that good relationships are built - it's not a matter of discovering your "soul mate" - and one person alone can't build it - imagine the two of you piling small tables on top of each other and both having to stand on the top together - you have to have that balance and effort on both sides more or less all the time - if your partner doesn't have the same mindset - and want or believe in - the idea of building a relationship "together" - I just can't see it working out - find someone who "wants to be in a relationship" someone who "want to build a relationship"

I imagine you want a "break-through" conversation - being realistic I just can't see that happening - wanting everything at once from him just isn't going to happen is it? I still think you need to understand what is at the heart of his behaviour and thinking - probe that as subtly as you can if you like - react with less interest to his positive traits - tender, sweet, hardworking, generous, thoughtful and light up with any expression of his private inner-self - it's all a bit desperate though.

Even if you ca get a handle on what is making him so avoidant, emotionally constipated - you've then got the problem of working out if it's something that can be worked on, whether it is going to be too much hard work - does he know you are not there to fix him and his life - what does he think you want from a partner? Does he think he matches up or falls short? I can give you a list of hundred things off the top of my head that press the right (and the wrong) buttons in my relationship - every single day, multiple times a day - these are at the front of my mind - most are really tiny trivial things - but taken together - they all count - a lot - I spent more time thinking about my partners needs, wants and hopes than my own - and that's not a problem in the relationship - she reciprocates - nothing's perfect - we both try, talk, argue, disagree, plan, compromise, concede, disappoint and surprise - it's a dynamic living breathing ever changing thing. Plenty of issues are not resolved in one conversation - some things take a while, some take a very long time and some things never quite get resolved - you just continue to work on them. I wouldn't look to get everything you hope for in one long car-journey sized conversation - I'd take the longer view...or maybe after 7 years - you realise that, realistically, it's not going to change much - or maybe you will realise you haven't been going about debugging the relationship in the right way. Relationships are complex things - full of contradictions - they are a full time job IMHO - not some beautiful found object that you can preserve forever.

Actually, having thought about it, I think you and others are right and that I was wrong last night

I do think I statements are very powerful, but I take your points and don't disagree with them

Everyone is different, some people can't just open up like others. My DH doesn't talk feelings at all. But then his whole family don't, so it's quite a learnt behaviour

It’s been 7 years. It’s a long time. I’d have issued an ultimatum long ago. Either you’re in and committing (marriage / children / discussing feelings etc etc) or sorry I can’t hang around so I’m off.

Depression, my arse. A nasty way of controlling your behaviour more like. "Look what happened when you went away for a weekend with your friends. I got so sad and lonely that I had to look for another woman. And no, I won't say any more about it. You figure out what will happen next time."

@LovingZelda he sounds awfully needy!!! has he never have had any time to himself including overnight or is he normally with someone? surely he could have coped for one weekend alone? dont have a long talk while he is driving!!! too dangerous!

Exactly this!

There is something in this.
I think car convos are great if the other person is OK with them
But your partner is not OP.
And 8 hours is a LONG time.

You'll be out of the home environment in Scotland. Maybe take him to a cafe there and say can we talk about this? That way he won't feel trapped but if he refuses anyway - you will have a clearer idea of where you stand.
After all. you've tried talking at home, you've tried talking in couples therapy and if this doesn't work, it means he's not open to talking at all.

Is it possible that you could do couple's therapy on your own so that you can clarify/explore your own feelings, that might help you see a road forward.

I wouldn’t raise it in the car for a number of reasons.
1 - it’s healthy to have the freedom to walk away if you have an argument
2 - forcing him into the conversation is not necessarily going to get a truthful answer to your questions
3 - he still might not talk about it. You might be stuck in the car with him in silence, and I think this is most likely.

Your best bet is to ask, not in the car but just before you’re about to be apart from a time, if he will think about going back to relationship counselling. Say “I think we would really benefit talking to a professional about xyz issue. Please could you think about it for a few days and I’ll ask you at the weekend if you’re willing to go?” Tell him you love him then give him the time to think about it without bringing it up again.
If he says yes, great.
If no, you can make your decisions from there.

Absolutely inappropriate and really quite dangerous to raise this conversation in the car. Concentrate on the road and raise this sensitive issue for discussions in more relaxed surroundings ,maybe over a drink when you are both rested. It's a little worrying that this all seemed to trigger when you went away with the girls. Seems a very manipulative move. Be careful he's not trying to isolate you. If he does 5 will get you 10 'that you will see less consideration and tenderness from him. Sadly he sounds like he has a very bad emotional limp. He needs to not be in a relationship for a while. Consider letting him go if he won't seek help/ therapy for himself. You don't seem to gel emotionally, at least not right now. You must take care of yourself.

No! My ex used to do this to me. It was totally unfair and I hated it. If someone doesn’t want to talk about something then they don’t have to.

I think it husband was so pathetic that he couldn’t be on his own for a weekend while I was away I wouldn’t even want to talk about it, that would be it. How are you supposed to get through life with a wet wipe like that? What if you’re in ill one time or even in hospital? If you have a baby he won’t be getting all your attention how will he cope with that if he’s so needy? I mean god forbid you might even need support from him at one point, that’ll be too much to ask won’t it 🙄

As others have said, LTB. He isn’t willing to talk about this, in his head he’s wiped the slate clean. He’s shut down and wanting to shut you down. Get out, live your life, be happy.

As PP have said - definitely not in the car and probably not at all.

Masses of 🚩 in your OP, especially this

“even though I had…raged and raged at him”

EVEN THOUGH?!?! Of COURSE you raged at him - his behaviour was totally unacceptable. Other posters have picked up on this too.

The red flag isn’t just his behaviour (emotionally unavailable, silent treatment, acting out when you do something he doesn’t like, playing the victim, making you feel responsible for caretaking his feelings when he doesn’t care about yours, then switching to kind and thoughtful when is suits him 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩)

But the biggest flag is that you have already internalised the idea that you should be grateful for his patience with you, or that you are somehow responsible/to blame for his feeling and reactions.

It is pointless/a very bad idea to go to therapy with someone who is controlling in this way. They will either just put on a front for the therapist and/or punish you afterwards for being honest in sessions. There is no ‘safe space’ with a man like this.

You can’t change him, he doesn’t want to change.

I would spend the car journey reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? On kindle or Apple Books app and then deciding if I want to live with this kind of attitude one minute longer. Seven years is already such a long time - save yourself now and do NOT get pregnant.

Dump.

I would not have a difficult conversation with someone driving a car. I suppose it may depend on his ability not to flare up in a rage or loose his temper but I know from past experience that it could lead to loss of concentration, furious rage and very nearly cause an accident.

Totally recommend this chap for a reality check: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100088910286172

Any updates? How did the trip go?

Given what you've said about him, particularly his flirting, I wouldn't have a conversation in the car with him until we were back home and parked on the driveway.
That is when I'd tell him he's dumped.

You've wasted 7 years on a relationship which was good now is crap. You get nothing out of this horrible situation except stress and upset. You went on a fun weekend with your pals and he CHEATED on you!! While you are still with this controlling abuser (because this is a form of abuse called gaslighting) you are losing your chance of finding someone to build a real, happy, loving future with. Its not this guy. You already know this so don't let the pain and bitterness change who you are. Cut and run!!!

Update: well I did broach the subject a couple of hours into the journey when we stopped for coffee.
He was surprisingly receptive and apologized for his previous gaslighting, admitting that he finds it really hard to open up and still feels guilty for his past actions, and confirmed he has never cheated on me in all the time we have been together.
He told me how much I mean to him and to my absolute surprise suggested therapy to get us back on track. It's almost as if he's read this thread and taken on board the criticisms.
Driving back now and in a much better place mentally. Thank you everyone x
P.s am booking another trip with the girls and a weekend in Paris for the two of us :)

Wow! Good luck. 🌺