AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

You are in a relationship with a robot. If he can’t and doesn’t want to talk about feelings and you’ve made it clear you want to then you either put up and shut up or leave.

Hmmm.

I think you essentially want your boyfriend to be a person that he is simply not.

His behaviour over your girls’ weekend etc was absolutely awful - I’m not defending him for that (in fact, that would have been the end of the relationship for me).

However, just looking at the ‘not talking’ thing, I have to say that if someone kept trying to make me have emotional conversations about the future of our relationship, and also expected me to attend counselling with them when I wasn’t comfortable with that, I would be wanting to walk away. If I’ve repeatedly told someone that things are fine, I probably genuinely do not have anything more to say. And I also don’t think you can expect someone to engage with counselling when they don’t want to be there. Counselling is obviously something that you find helpful but he might find it to be torture, and it almost feels like you’re expecting him to go through it as a punishment for hurting you. It’s understandable that you feel that way, but at the same time, it’s absolutely not a healthy basis for counselling as a couple.

If you have this conversation on a long car journey, I don’t think you can expect it to go well and resolve anything. There’s a good chance you’ll end up getting frustrated and overwrought and he’ll just feel trapped and inadequate and you’ll then arrive at your destination hating each other and have a horribly tense time.

I don’t lack sympathy for you but ultimately this man does not make you happy and you can’t make him into someone that will. You aren’t right for each other.

“he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere”

he felt uncertain about the future of your relationship. So he became depressed + started to look elsewhere.

but he refuses to engage in conversations about the future of your relationship.

he won’t go to therapy. He thinks you should be over it.

This man is not the man for you.

I suspect it feels huge because you have invested 7 years in this. But unless he actively seeks change himself, he’s not going to. It will hurt in the short term, but I am certain that medium + long term you will be happier without him

Only if the conversation is how you are going to delay with the logistics of splitting up.

This is going nowhere.

Read this @LovingZelda

What spacepotato and everyone says. I wouldn’t raise it in the car but I would leave and find a relationship that works. With a man who can talk about things, doesn’t cheat and doesn’t blame you going on a girls weekend for his spiraling into depression. Break free.

The only hope in this situation seems to be to have a counsellor supporting you two to communicate but you have tried this already and it failed. Forget how he 'used to be' and focus on how he is now. Is this what you want? Clearly not. You've spent 7 years together but that doesn't mean it has to continue. I think you need to plan your exit instead, but not tonight unless you want to blow up this trip.

You are very unreasonable to bring up this conversation up on a long journey. It’s a very serious conversation and you obviously want both of you be focused on it however the focus while driving should be on the road. This conversation would be a very big distraction. Please don’t do this for the safety of other road users.

I personally don't think you can really know or understand someone who can't tolerate talking about 'difficult' things. I don't think you can have true intimacy where there is a lack of vulnerability.

It sounds like you want to get to the root cause of what happened, possibly to be certain him 'looking elsewhere' won't happen again?

Seeking dopamine hits from people who aren't your partner (or booze, drugs, gambling, etc) during dark times is really common. The issue is, unless the person that is feeling low understands their emotions, where they come from, the problematic behaviour they can cause, AND put measures in place to circumvent that, it just happens over and over again. Unless they're impossibly lucky and never have anything stressful happen to them again!

Emotional literacy is something people have to get skilled in so they can be truly stable.

I wouldn't trust him after his infedelity if he isn't prepared to work on his emotional literacy, and I would be bored by the lack of vulnerability and true intimacy.

You will both be trapped in the car on a long journey. The worst time EVER to start up a conversation like this.

Seven years and won't discuss your future together ?

And blaming YOU for going away for his cheating - did he have any depressive episodes before that? At best he's using it as an excuse to try and worm out of it, at worst it's manipulate and controlling (abusive) behaviour designed to keep you in your place.

I absolutely would not be continuing a relationship with someone who takes no responsibility for his actions. Tell him to fuck off to Scotland alone and never come back.

Absolutely don't have that conversation in the car, it's an accident waiting to happen and then if you survive the journey without an accident how is the atmosphere going to be when you get to Scotland? Think this through rationally, you won't get the answers you want, that's blatantly clear and it really isn't right to corner him. Having said all of that, rather than trying to tell him how much you're hurting I would spend my time trying to justify staying with someone who absolutely only thinks about himself, is this how you want to live your life? You've given him chances to talk, to explain to no avail, it's not going to happen, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. You get one life, you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life whilst bowing down to his demands. He's emotionally immature, Narcissism springs to mind. Play the game, go to Scotland, pretend to enjoy and then plan your escape, carefully and in secret I hasten to add X

I personally wouldn't use the car journey for the discussion.

However, I would be making it crystal clear what he is doing by refusing to engage in the conversation at all: unless you are given a chance to talk about this with him, the relationship will die.

It might be uncomfortable for him, but being in a relationship does require time and energy into having hard conversations and communication.

The only thing you can do is point out to him what the consequences will be of the decision he's making now.

Look up the sunk costs fallacy, OP. Decide for how much longer you're willing to be miserable. Hopefully you'll soon realise a relationship is actually meant to make you happy now, not at some future point.

This is all that needs to be said.

Thanks to everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it and it's given me a lot to think about.
You're a great bunch of insightful people who give good advice and viewpoints. X

Sadly you're flogging a dead horse here. He was catapulted into a depressive episode because he was LONELY when you went on a girls weekend? And even with that, he doesn't want to commit further to you and in the meantime, he tried to cheat (probalby did frankly) but YOU are the problem because you are upset about that.

Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Surely your response to this is "not for me. And if we don't figure out what's happening next, this relationship is over".

But based on your OP, it sounds to me like you have no intention of leaving and he knows that so his life is just perfect.

Bloody hell.
Get an audio self help book on dumping arseholes who shatter your self esteem by treating you like shit and cheating on you. Listen to it on the journey.
Dump him on arrival and have a nice little trip away without him.
Get train home. (or leave him to, if it’s your car).

Better still - just don’t bloody go!

I’ll admit I’m only 95% sympathetic. Understanding that life is complicated and your childhood / boiled frogs blah blah blah.. but 5% of me thinks “stop choosing this!!!”

Gather your strength. Dump him.

This is terrible advice, there’s a huge difference between bringing something up organically on a short journey and trapping someone in a car on a long journey so that they’re forced to talk about something they clearly don’t want to talk about

Not a good place for such a discussion.

@LovingZelda

Discussing emotions with an angry person on a long car journey to Scotland where they cannot escape and are effectively cornered is a terrible idea.

I agree with this statement. Being trapped in a ton or so of fast moving metal (my weight estimate may be wrong) on a motorway with someone unwilling to face open conversation and possibly distracted from driving and getting angrier and angrier whilst driving that vehicle doesn't sound safe to me.

Also OP, his actions really don't sound kind or generous or loving - he's trying to trap you into what his version of a relationship is where you have to think twice about what you want to do, shutting you down when you want an honest, adult conversation about your relationship?

Have you, for example, arranged anything else with your girlfriends? Or your family without him? Doesn't that sound great for your future if you allow him to restrict your life to what works for him.

Perhaps use the journey to envision how your life would be without him keeping you in a holding pattern he's decided works for him. Is this man, not the man he used to be years ago, worth your mental energy and attention now and in the future? How would that work for you? 🌹

@KreedKafer Thing is, you might be thinking things are fine. But if a partner wants you to discuss the future of the relationship and go to counselling, things are very much not fine. And refusing to talk about it won’t change that.

It’s also just not true that turning everything into ‘I statements’ solves anything.

‘When you do X, I feel Y’ is not the non-confrontational way forward online advice likes to pretend it is. There’s subtext. And both of you know it. No amount of weird framing everything as I statements dressage changes the fact that it’s a complaint about the other’s behaviour.

And it does invite a ‘well that’s a you problem’ response.

Why are you flogging this dead horse?

He actively tried cheating on you and instead of you kicking him out you basically begged him to stay.

You need to work on your self esteem.

Trying to force a conversation when the other party can't escape might end very badly for you. I wouldn't recommend you do it unless you want to have your journey carried out in angry silence, your trip ruined, or your ass dumped at the next service station.