AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

Yes. Do you need to go to Scotland with him?

If he can’t talk about the future of your relationship after seven years, then yes. You’re flogging a dead horse, and it’s beyond time to leave. I suspect you’re already in the sunk cost fallacy, as you say he used to be “tender and sweet” but he’s been this version that won’t share his emotions or talk to you for a while. Honestly, I would just assume he has cheated. This “I was just looking, but realized it was a mistake” thing is starting to get old and wear quite thin. Good luck, OP. I think you could easily find someone who would communicate with and appreciate you; it’s not too much to ask.

Please don't continue to flog a dead horse until your self-esteem is utterly ruined.

He can't or won't give you what you need. And what you need is not unreasonable- communication is pretty important in relationships!

This one sounds dead in the water. There are better men out there. Also being single would be preferable to the heartbreak of just wanting your partner to see and hear you - but they don't.

I narrowly avoided a load of misery with one like this - we were engaged. Fast forward a few years and I am married to someone else. Somebody who actually wants to talk to me and listen to me!

I think it's a terrible idea, mainly because one of you will be driving and distracted, and since it's a forced discussion and you are both likely to be upset.

The more you try to push for it, the more he will close. Neither of you are unreasonable, but I think you need someone neutral to lead the discussion. I think suggesting therapy now and again is your best shot.
But you could suggest that if he isn't comfortable with couple therapy, he should try seeing the therapist on his own. That should definitely help him if there is something wrong he is struggling to talk about.

Ultimately from an outsider perspective I would say that his behaviour reminds me of someone who wants out of the relationship, but cares a lot for their partner and feels guilty about it. He is trying to brush it under the carpet not to hurt you.

I don’t think while someone is driving is the best time to start a contentious conversation or think deeply about your future. Concentrate on driving.

If I was stuck in a car with someone who insisted discussing something they knew I didn’t want to talk about, I would see they are manipulative and controlling and think much less of them.

If you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t like talking about the future be with someone who does instead of trying to make them be who you think they should be because that’s what would suit you better.

That’s a lot of hard work when someone you would be compatible with might be just around the corner

Have you been able to leave him on his own again?

@RockyRogue1001 I COMPLETELY disagree with this post.

Some of the best conversations I have with people is in the car.
This also applies to awkward conversations.

I agree, I have also had great conversation about sensitive topics in the car, but they happened naturally. In this situation OP is suggesting to bring back a topics that she knows will cause upset, it's a bad idea.

I think the best, and only, way for you to approach this, because you can’t force anyone to talk, is to use the time together for you to pour out your feelings. Explain how his past indiscretions have made you doubt his commitment & how hard it’s been for you to build trust - everything you’ve said here. Don’t hold him to ransom, just speak with honesty & clarity, but tell him what you need from a relationship & what you would like the future to look like. If after all of that he STILL gives you nothing back, well, you can make a decision on whether you truly want a relationship with someone who cannot access his feelings & share them with you. I know what I’d choose. Good luck!

I wouldn't be having the conversation on the way up to Scotland - potentially ruining your trip away. Id be having it on the way home if anything. BUT his actions tell you that he isnt interested in any resolution or accountability for what he did.

He doesnt care about you enough. I would be removing myself from that relationship. Im all about actions not words.

@Waytogoidaho And if this point happens, she downloads everything, and he has nothing to offer, and they're three hours into an eight hour drive plus the rest of the weekend?

With the relationship basically over but they can't get away from each other?

Hideous idea. Really, really bad.

He punished you for going away for a weekend, and tried to cheat on you. He refuses to engage in meaningful conversation about your relationship. Honesty you need to leave him, he has no respect for you.

This summarises it nicely. I'm so sorry you find it hard to leave OP, but if you want a happy life that is what you're going to have to do. You'll feel so much lighter and happier being with someone who genuinely cares for you, it's really worth the disruption.

My beautiful daughter was with such a man for a few years and she agonised over him. In the end I told her if you need more emotion and you’re not getting it you need to let him go as you will be begging for it your whole life. The relationship ended sadly but they both moved on and she is now happily married ( in fact on honeymooon) to a man who is much more open emotionally. I hope this helps.

I honestly don’t see the point in raising it. I would just end the relationship. He looked elsewhere because you were on a girls trip?? How many trips have you done away from him since this happened? Or has that all stopped because he might cheat?

Sounds like a lot of effort for nothing.

What I find worrying is that you say his depression was brought on by you going away for the weekend and this also caused him to be unfaithful and that he stayed with you even though you raged at him . . . all these things lead me to think he is a controlling/ manipulative person.
He has convinced you that its your fault he got depressed, its your fault he was unfaithful and that he's done you huge favour by staying with you when you got (understandably) angry with his behaviour.
When you look at it this way you can totally see why it's not in his interest to have an in depth conversation about what has happened. His behaviours do not stand up to close scrutiny.
I really don't think a long car journey is the place to bring up this stuff as it could get quite emotional. You need to have this conversation elsewhere and if he won't then if it were me, Id be looking to move on.

Honestly I would have run fast a long time ago. A grown man can’t be by himself for a weekend. That’s two days. He gets too lonely, and lonely to the extent he thinks it would be best to cheat. We are talking about two days. WTF. Normal adults could manage this just fine for two months, let alone two days! I’d have been really disgusted and turned off to be honest, an ick I couldn’t come back from, and binned him at that point.

I think the trip needs to be cancelled or you go on your own. The fact he’s blamed you for going away for his cheating says it all really. Are you no longer comfortable with a girl’s weekend? I guess not. He should be mature enough to stay alone for two days, he’s an adult. He shouldn’t be looking to punish you for going away by cheating on you. It’s controlling and manipulative.

Get rid.

If you can have an open, calm discussion with someone then don’t make them your life partner.

I think this is going to go fucking disastrously.

It's one thing to use a car journey to coax a recalcitrant teen out a little bit. But he's not your child, and he couldn't possibly have made it clearer that he doesn't want to talk, and you are trying to manipulate circumstances to force him to. Very few people would take that well, and he's worse at emotions than most.

So now there you are, trapped in a small space travelling at high speeds with a very angry man. Who lashes out when he gets angry.

If you’re having to resort to the kind of tactics parents use to get their teenagers to talk, something has gone very wrong on your adult relationship.

Less than a year ago he threw a strop because he had to entertain himself for a weekend and decided to (try to) cheat. But he doesn’t want to talk about it and wants you to view yourself as the problem for not just treating that as normal and fine.

Go back to counselling - without him. Talk it through with a counsellor so you can try to see this situation clearly and understand that you are absolutely allowed to be angry and resentful about this stuff. This is stuff to be angry and resentful about.

This. I'd try to have the conversation but make sure he agrees. Ultimately though like others have said if he won't share his feelings with you or engage with yours there's no point continuing to bang your head against a brick wall.

Me and my former DP started the break up conversation on a 2hr car journey. It was difficult and awkward, but what break up isn't. We'd been together for over eight years, and I didn't want to marry him.

We had a great time together but there was no future as a couple . We were just great friends. I'm pleased we broke up so we could both be happy in our new relationships.

Don't have the conversation while you are on a long drive to Scotland, that sounds like a really bad idea to force on someone who refuses to discuss emotions and feelings.

Not sure of your age or status, but if you want marriage and DC, if this man hasn't shown clear signs of wanting that with you after 7 years, it's not going to happen.

He sounds awful anyway. Unless he's prepared to go to relationship counselling so a third party can help with the communication issues, I'd be gearing up to leave him, as he has no incenrive to change.

Was it a return journey?

I think choosing the journey home, rather than the journey to somewhere, might make a difference.

Also you presumably were both willing to participate in the conversation. This OP is needing to resort to tactics better suited to coaxing conversation out of a 14 year old.

Is he driving?

There is no way I would antagonise someone who was driving. Plenty of people will react badly and end up driving dangerously.

I don't even know on why you are bothering. It's another case of he isn't who you want him to be but rather then accept and leave you are hanging in desperately hoping he will suddenly turn into a different person. He won't.