AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

Keep in mind that his reaction when he’s stuck away from home with you and wants to talk you round would be exactly the same.

So actions not words. Is he going to sort out the therapy?

I hope he goes through with it all @LovingZelda .. think it needs booking ASAP & if you need to set a time frame that if things haven’t improved by say July, then you need to rethink the whole relationship and no more time on it

Wow. I'm glad it went well, I honestly didn't have high hopes.

I would definitely watch out for him to actually do something about it now though. Like look up a therapist and book one and attend. It's a long way from saying he'll do it to pacify you to actually buckling down and doing the work to try and make your relationship better.

As above.
Im happy you feel better & he was receptive.

Now HE (not you) needs to actually arrange the counselling. Any longer than 2 weeks to book the appointment I'd be acknowledging he has no intention of going and his sweet talk was BS.

I hope he steps up for you.

That’s such good news. I hope the therapy helps .

Glad the chat went well!

Good news that he was happy to discuss it and had been thinking about it. Glad you resolved it OP.

That podcast would be sensational. Otherwise a self instruction tape on emotional literacy.

So good to hear you have had a heart to heart. I think the therapy part is the most important and hope he really meant he thought it would help. Be strong !

Sounds like you already know you are flogging a dead horse but don't want to stop because of convenience to you to persist in that rather than do the difficult work of going after the life you want without it including you trying to change someone to ease your way. You know exactly who is is and so does he. he hasn't lied about who he is but everytime you expect more of him, you deny who he is which is dishonest on your part. If you set him free he is free to be himself and perhaps someone who wants less emotional intimacy and doesn't care about infidelities will find him just their cup of tea. Unfortunately this is all on you and you even though you are desperately not wanting to acknowledge that. I suspect that you believe he can change because you reveled in the honeymoon period when most of us put on blinders and our true love is near perfect though they, like us, are not. It would be like hooking up with a person who hums to themselves all day, overlooking that and then yelling at the person for being a hummer. he is who he is and you either settle for that in order to stay conveniently tied to safe misery or you split and face whatever uncertain future that means. If you stay you have to stop making him your whipping post and love and enjoy him for who he is and what he can give you, however limited that is or you will just be destined to be bitter. He has made it clear to you he is somewhat happy with where things are, is prone to depression, may want out himself but doesn't know how to get out because he to is prone to avoiding difficult emotional work. He actually sounds like a version of you within the relationship just manifesting in a different way. You both want each other to be happy with what you want for yourselves instead of finding a partner with whom you share those things from the onset and forge a life together. Perhaps sitting down and sharing honest thoughts, wants, fears, desires without any shame or blame and with the intention of setting each other free out of love and encouragement to help the other reach personal goals can help you both achieve what you want with or without the other. .