AIBU bringing up awkward conversation with DP on long car journey?

[LovingZelda]

I really need some advice on how I can talk to my DP.

He refuses point blank to talk about feelings and emotions. Every time I question the future of our relationship (together 7 years) he will say 'everything is fine'.

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere (which I only discovered months later) but stopped all that, said he'd made a really stupid mistake and stayed with me even though I had (understandably) raged and raged about him potentially cheating. It took me a long time to build trust again and even now part of me hates him for jeopardising our relationship and hurting me so, so deeply.
I'm very bitter and it shattered my confidence and self esteem.

He's a total closed door if I bring up anything about emotions, feelings etc and gets angry, he never used to be like this, he used to be tender and sweet but now I feel like I put in all the effort of making things nice and he shuts down if the conversation goes anywhere near emotions

He is very hardworking, kind, generous and thoughtful and tells me he loves me and we do have tender, close, times, but I'm getting angry at his refusal to discuss anything beyond practicalities and joking around.

Tonight we have a long drive up to Scotland (yes, ironically Valentine's evening!), just the two of us so I know I'll have a captive audience and he won't be able to 'escape' from the conversation - any tips on how to broach deeper issues with him without angering him or am I flogging a dead horse? The past indiscretions and his wanting to find someone else eat me up and I'm so desperately unhappy I want to confront and resolve but he just says I should have 'moved on' long ago and there's nothing to worry about. I get more and more frustrated with his refusal to discuss matters of the heart. We had one counselling session when everything blew up at which he cried but then he refused to go to any more which I think is unfair on me and my recovery.

Who is driving on this journey, @LovingZelda ?

The conversation you want to have seems futile.

You said he didn't cheat in the end but you were raging and raging and still feel so hurt and want it to be resolved.

Which is fair, you had a few days away and he instantly sought alternative affection.

He has no friends.

He has depression.

How do you expect it can be resolved?

Are you looking for marriage with him?

7 years in, you know what he's like, and you can't change him. So I'd be packing a bag in your shoes.

Run. Leave. Go find some genuine happiness. It shouldn’t. Be this hard.

Why did you stop counselling? You should go on your own. You need to work out why you are staying with someone who won't give you the support you need !

You're banging your head against a brick wall. You need to leave the relationship, it is clear from what you have written you do not want the same things in life and are not compatible.

Do it on a walk instead. Better (and safer) than doing it while driving.

He sounds like an absolute pig. Controlling, sulky and childish. Oh, and ready to cheat if he hasn’t already.

Even if he lowers himself to talk to you, it’s not going to change what happened. He’s not interested in how you feel, because it’s all about him.

Time to take a big step OP.

I'd be concerned by the safety aspect of encouraging a difficult conversation while one of you is driving. I know it would make me distracted and prone to driving errors if I were in that situation.

Good question, it was the return journey.

It was a bit of a unusual conversation, in that he was the one who brought our relationship up, but he didn't know that I'd made my mind up about not wanting to be with him. He was driving on the M4 too, so I didn't really think that was the appropriate place to start such a potentially horrible conversation. Took me a while to open up.

Go to Scotland on your own and use the time to decide what you want in life. Do you intend to be happy?

You have had plenty long enough to see that this man is emotionally unavailable and selfish . He will always be this way.
If he doesn’t make you happy now then you need to be brave and end the relationship.
But don’t do the chat on the 8 hour car journey. Do it on the way back if you must.

Agree with all of this.

I can have general chats when i'm driving but wouldn't want to attempt anything deep or emotional as i prefer to concentrate on driving. I'd be pretty fed up if my partner tried to force a conversation like that because i was 'trapped' in the car. And in your case if it blows up you're in for a very miserable journey (or a booting out at the next services).

Don’t waste another 7 years with this hopeless specimen.

Exactly my thoughts he’s a wanker

Last summer he had a period of depression and uncertainty about the future of our relationship, triggered by me being on a girls weekend away and him feeling lonely as his very few mates were all busy. He became very distant from me and even started to look elsewhere

This isn't the behaviour of someone who loves you or has any respect for you.

It's a pathetic attempt at controlling you and to stop you ever going away again.

I wouldn't broach this in the car.

Because either he'll condition you further to accept this shite and this will happen again soon.

Or you'll argue which is dangerous anyway but you'll end up there both angry and have a shite time and then have to do the drive home.

Everything you've said here indicates an unbalanced relationship which you aren't happy in. You can't talk someone into changing. You have to accept who someone is and make the best decision for you.

I'd leave.

This. Send him to Scotland on his own and end it.

Please don’t do it in the car on a long drive! It’s dangerous for you and other road users.

What do you see as necessary for your “recovery”? Dwell on that on the drive, certainly, and discuss calmly once back.

I really hope OP's not going to drop in that they are going to Gretna Green to get hitched.

She's going to do it anyway. Such a bad idea

To quote another poster on another thread recently: relationships shouldn't be this hard. Just leave him.

He thinks about cheating while you're away on a girls weekend? FFS

If you stay with this prick don't ever go into hospital.

Seriously, get rid.

Oh dear.

This relationship should have ended when he was an arse about you going away with your friends; or when he tried 'looking elsewhere'; or when he refused counselling.

This is the very epitome of flogging a dead horse.

Why are you going away when quite obviously investing any more time, money and effort is a complete waste?
He cannot give you what you want or need.
Time to move on I'm afraid.

Sunk cost fallacy? It's clear it's time to get out, but do you feel like you need "something to show for" the last 7 years?

You shouldn't feel like this in a loving relationship. Please do what is right for you.

Another for this is a terrible idea. There is a time and a place for bringing up difficult conversations, trapped in a car on a long journey for what is supposed to be a lovely time away is not the time nor the place. Even IF he did talk to you about it during the car ride, and I think that is doubtful, it will taint the next 2 days.

Use the car ride to think about what you want and the 2 days to really connect and have fun. Then an hour from home on the way back bring it up (if you must).

He will feel trapped and manipulated if you bring it up on the way there, not good for an open and d meaningful conversation.