I’m 45 and my mum really irritates me

[escapemybrain]

Nobody pushes my buttons like my mum who is in her 70s. I see her once every 1-2 weeks and literally within minutes of seeing her she’s said something that’s triggered me.

For the most part I’m a caring, fun person but with my mum I’m short, defensive and irritable. I start feeling anxious whenever I’m going to see her as know I’m going to be a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

I am 45, have 2 young children and a husband, a good job, house, doing generally fine at life etc etc.

As I started to list some examples of what’s irritating they all sound petty, but generally the themes are constant talk of money and side comments on spending, negativeness and catastrophising, putting a downer on any topic mentioned, constant reminders about things like I’m a child (e.g. clocks changing, family birthdays even though I know), “helpful” suggestions on things that I’ve not asked for help on, unsolicited advice, comments about things that need doing in the house. Or offering to do something in the house (which I appreciate is nice but I’m a grown up and don’t want that).

She was a good mum when I was younger but quite controlling.

Ive read bits on what to do on this which the suggestion is generally “don’t try to change her” there is no point as I can’t fix that, just work on how I react/feel in the situations as that is something I can manage.

I'm a bit envious of people with great relationships with there older parents and would like that with my mum. So really just looking to hear from anyone who can empathise and/or has overcome something similar.

I'm 35 and I feel a bit the same so can resonate in a fashion.
I'm sick of snapping at my mum and then I'm the one in the wrong.
What would happen if you had a conversation with her? Or snapped at her?

This is me with my DF. I don’t recognise the man he is now compared to how he was. I am really short with him, and I don’t want to be, but he pushes my buttons. I keep it short, 1 hour at a time, and remember that he won’t always be here.

I can sympathise, I'm never could enough for my Mum. She's quite controlling but plays the 'poor me' victim role. We had a falling out 2 years ago, I don't speak to her on the phone and haven't seen her for 18 months now. I just can't be bothered with the stress when I have my own family.

You can be in control in how the relationship moves forward, as hard as it might be.xx

You have to be the bigger person.

My mum irritated me too many times. Irrational things like the fuss over getting her hair done at a certain time (I had to take her). However, I lost her when I was 43 and she was in her early 60s. I'd give my arm to be irritated by her now!

I could have written your post OP. I don’t know why but it has worsened as I’ve got older (47 now). She really annoys me. I always try to be really nice when I see her but it’s so hard! She just really annoys me - everything about her attitudes etc.
I am considering counselling because I want to get over it before she dies and I am sad forever about it.

That’s her job

Oh my mum's the same and I usually am quite patient and let it go but occasionally can't help snapping at her. The worst is when she tells me off for my children's behaviour in public or even shushes me, she did today on the bus!

This is also me with my DF. He gets my hackles up the moment I walk through the door. He's not a bad man AT ALL and loves us and the DC to pieces but he has got so difficult and annoying and then looks all wounded when I call him out on anything. But then he'll have a health scare and I feel regretful of not having more patience with him. Until he's better and he winds me up just as much.

I feel the same. I feel like she’s always criticising me. When she comes to our house she always points out if something is dirty or needs tidying. She never invites us to hers or cooks for us but when I’m cooking she always comments about the way I’m doing things. She never asks about my life or our children but sits at the dinner table talking none stop about herself. She forgot my birthday last year. I feel like I should love her but sometimes I really don’t. My Dad died 16 years ago and I was and still am absolutely heart broken. He was an amazing Dad, we were really close. Just today I was thinking, I don’t think I will be upset when my Mum dies. I feel awful thinking that.

Oh god my mum irritates me so much, she likes to visit at least once a week - I make up excuses and have been known to drive to the other side of town so I'm not in the house 🙈.

She's so overbearing, but she's not like it at all with my brother...I don't know if it's because I've got children or what but she's just so much.

I have no idea what the answer is, I tend to leave my mum's messages unread for a little while, I'm going back to work full time in a month so I will actually have less time and be out the house 5 days a week - but then she will want to see me when I'm off - and honestly I just want to chill out and catch up with the jobs in the house etc.

The other day she told me she had washed her windows and could do mine. No go away I will wash my windows if I want them washing grrrr

Erm sorry none of that was helpful and turned into a bit of a rant 🤣🤣

Are you my sister?!

@Dolly2288 I’d started to plan out how to have a conversation with her about it. Whenever I do try broach a few bits, or have apologised for snapping she sort of brushes past it…do the point of me saying “did you hear me?”

So if we talk about it I needs to be a proper sit down planned talk I think…but then when I think about what I’m asking of her I don’t know how to say it. Because if I just list everything she says that irritates me then she literally won’t have anything left to say to me! In a way, I don’t want her to be the one always feeling anxious and on edge either like she’s walking on egg shells.

so to summarise that waffle, I would like to talk about it and resolve it but fear there isn’t much she can do about it

I'm thankful that my mum is non-judgemental, funny, kind-hearted, great company, I will miss her very much when she is not around, can't even bear the thought. I'm not close to my Dad though, he has a whole host of issues and I've often thought about going very lc if he's still around and my mum isn't one day... Can't have it all I guess.

@Runnerinthenight im really sorry to hear you lost your mum.

i think about this a lot too as know that time will come and think i’ll regret feeling like this

I can relate! Mine was also a good mum but very controlling and anxious all the time. She's a worrier who will always bring up the worst possible outcome to any situation and due to her own unhappiness usually has a negative comment to make when anything positive in anyone's life is discussed, it does my head in as I'm pretty laid back and a bit of a risk taker at times so our outlook on the world is very different. She's also obsessed with housework and mundane life admin and 90% of the conversation will be her wittering on about some car tax/medical appointment/ bin collection nonsense with little interest in my life unless I want to discuss subjects like that (I don't. It's boring enough doing that stuff without reliving it through conversation)

@OldKingCole counselling isn’t a bad shout. I think I’m fairly self aware of some if why I feel this way, and why she is, but a professional opinion might perhaps help. At least with some coping strategies.

Same here OP I get stressed at the thought of seeing DM and she clearly has the same thought as I do too so we’re both on edge which usually ends up in me snapping then does the wounded woe is me act which annoys me even more and on we go. Not sure what the answer is other than to just try and rise above it (easier said than done). She’s already winding me up about coming to see us in a few weeks as we’ll be in a new location and she doesn’t want to seem to use a sat nav or similar. I can tell there’s already going to be a falling out and drama over it which is really shit.

What do you mean she's 'triggering' you? Is there's some unresolved trauma from your childhood? Were you were mistreated or abused by her in some way? Or do you just mean she gets on your nerves because you clash, and you can't control yourself from snapping? Because they are two very different things, with very different ways to manage them.

💐 I lost mine when I was 35. She used to irritate me at times and no doubt would be irritating me even more if she was still here but God, I miss her!

Mine is the same, niggles about things I haven't done in the house, comments about the kids and their behaviour/ amount they eat (house is lovely but can be messy and kids are perfectly normal). Conversation is one way about her various perceived gripes against friends and family. The cost of things to an obsessive level and repeated stories. Hardly ever asks any questions. It's dull and unhelpful. I actively avoid her as the incessant moaning and negativity just drags me down.

I am similar and I think it's fairly common. Close family can wind each other up like no one else can because we all know the other so well. I think as well with parents we can get "stuck" in behaving in an oppositional way with them - necessary when we're teens, and a normal developmental stage, but not necessary at all as adults. I mean, we have our own lives, homes, families - we no longer need to pull away from our parents in order to feel established.

I guess the trick is overcoming that - let me know when you've worked it out.

Despite living 1500 miles away, after just an hour with my mum she’d start to irritate me.
She had a stroke on Saturday; I'm so overwhelmed with guilt🥺

Mine irritates me so much, I feel so bad about and wish we could have a better connection. We were fine until my children got older. Now she is just another person constantly competing for my attention. I wish she was the supportive strong woman I thought she would be.

I find her such hard work. She is so over sensitive and so needy. At the same time she struggles to take a genuine interest in anyone and has no self awareness. She can’t be quiet and talks constantly. She has a terrible habit of interrupting and always trys to complete my sentences. Any conversation with her is exhausting!

You can't change her. One little bit.

My mum is like this. She was very controlling when I was a child. I never really fully appreciated it until I had my own kids and its like the scales have fallen from my eyes. I totally get it from her point of view though. She was overwhelmed with us kids that she raised mainly on her own (my dad worked long hours and was away a lot).

I absolutely lost my shit at her one day when I think my youngest was a baby. Listed all of the times she had taken over in my life and never been proud of me or happy for me as I was etc. She said she was sorry, didn't mean to do that, just wanted the best etc. Then a couple of days later was back at it again! Still like that the better part of a decade later!

I don't discuss a lot of things in my life with her anymore. I limit the time I spend with her to once a month. We don't have a mother/daughter relationship. I've made my peace with that now and accepted that I didn't get parented the way I needed or wanted. But here we are.

I'm 61 and my DM (82) irritates the pants off me. Always has. We get one moderately well but by god she can be one infuriating woman.