I’m 45 and my mum really irritates me

[escapemybrain]

Nobody pushes my buttons like my mum who is in her 70s. I see her once every 1-2 weeks and literally within minutes of seeing her she’s said something that’s triggered me.

For the most part I’m a caring, fun person but with my mum I’m short, defensive and irritable. I start feeling anxious whenever I’m going to see her as know I’m going to be a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

I am 45, have 2 young children and a husband, a good job, house, doing generally fine at life etc etc.

As I started to list some examples of what’s irritating they all sound petty, but generally the themes are constant talk of money and side comments on spending, negativeness and catastrophising, putting a downer on any topic mentioned, constant reminders about things like I’m a child (e.g. clocks changing, family birthdays even though I know), “helpful” suggestions on things that I’ve not asked for help on, unsolicited advice, comments about things that need doing in the house. Or offering to do something in the house (which I appreciate is nice but I’m a grown up and don’t want that).

She was a good mum when I was younger but quite controlling.

Ive read bits on what to do on this which the suggestion is generally “don’t try to change her” there is no point as I can’t fix that, just work on how I react/feel in the situations as that is something I can manage.

I'm a bit envious of people with great relationships with there older parents and would like that with my mum. So really just looking to hear from anyone who can empathise and/or has overcome something similar.

I am really struggling with my relationship with my mum at the minute.

Yes, I know when she's gone I'll miss her - that's the point really. It would be quite nice to have some calm, pleasant time together now.

So much on this thread resonates. Constant negativity, even when positive things happen for her, she will find a negative spin. Doesn't listen - too busy waiting to drop in a related (negative) story about her. Even the mildest comment is taken as criticism & she's the worst person in the world/oh I always get it wrong etc. she ruined my Christmas by being a petulant child. I genuinely think nobody else is allowed feelings in her world or they're not justified like hers are anyway.

It's fucking exhausting. After years of ignoring her bad behaviour I finally snapped when she turned me trying to tell her something important about DS & however hard I tried she incessantly bought the convo back to herself.

She didn't talk to me for 3 weeks & it was calm & nice. I got to speak to my dad without her demanding to know what was going on.

I'm so sad that I feel better when she's not talking to me. That's so mean & not me at all.

I had a difficult relationship with my mum, so I have a few suggestions -

Can you meet in her house so you don't have to listen to her criticising where you live? I found this made things much easier.

Can you make the kids the focus of the visits so there's less one on one interaction with your mum?

My mum adored my DS so if I could steer her onto how amazing he was, it was quite nice to listen to.

Can you try to ban some subjects, the ones which get to you the most? My mum liked to tell me about appalling crimes in lots of detail which I hated, changing the subject didn't work.

I told her I found these news stories distressing and I didn't want to hear the details, and then I said it again and again and again till she got the message. I was of course at fault for trying to bury my head in the sand, but at least I didn't get a weeks worth of rape and murder every Sunday. And her view that the victim or family of the victim 'would never get over it'.

And don't feel guilty that you not grateful enough that she's alive.

I used to think this stuff, controlling, annoying etc. Then she died, very suddenly. I would give anything to have her back. Life is too short for this.

I really feel this too,

I don’t want her to be the one always feeling anxious and on edge either like she’s walking on egg shells.

So basically you’re letting her make you feel annoyed so that she doesn’t have to feel annoyed.

You’re probably seeing her too often and for too long each time.

It isn’t always true that when she’s gone you’ll miss her getting on your nerves. It depends how bad it gets. If this behaviour gets worse as she gets older it can become absolutely intolerable.

At last! One poster who realises that she too can be at fault in the mother/daughter relationship. I recall a friend of mine weeping uncontrollably when her mother died because.she wished she had been a better daughter. Such nonsense - she was well loved by her mother although they did have spats with one another.

As @Odingodof says that's the key.

Mine is the opposite tbh. Was irritable and short tempered when I was growing up (I know wonder if some of that was related to menopause). Now - has morphed in to a sweet kind old lady. Calmer, gentler. Maybe the fact she lives an ocean away helps...but our time together now is much better than it used to be.
May Dad on the hand has morphed in to an angry bigot. That's a whole other story.

Man I needed this thread. my mum is wonderful but as I get older I feel she has changed and in many ways I don’t recognise her anymore.

This comment total resonates
Even the mildest comment is taken as criticism & she's the worst person in the world/oh I always get it wrong etc.

as does the “both of us walking on eggs shells” comment

So she either gets to do whatever the hell she wants or there’s upset. Even if she gets what she wants but I don’t have the right tone for her… there’s upset.
this can be as small as whether or not I drink a cup of tea…I’ll decline, decline again, be asked a third time and I’ll point out I declined twice already and still don’t want a tea at which point she’s hurt and offended and I’m a monster…

my main issue is I can’t have an honest conversation with her because well… she won’t have an honest conversation.

my newborn has been in NICU for 2 weeks…. It’s been pretty much the lowest ebb of my life. 5 years ago I could never have imagined the weirdness over the last fortnight. In between her “hurt feelings” she was frankly horrible to me at points and I basically had to ask her to leave my house which made me feel like utter shit. And prob her too… sometimes I feel like we are a stuck record and I can’t unstick it because she won’t level with me / just be honest.

this thread has been helpful though in helping me resolve to have more patience and kindness because I know fundamentally she means well /has good intentions.

You don't need to "fix" your Mum! She is just as entitled to be the way she is as you are the way you are. Has it ever occurred to you that you might just irritate her?

I've heard many older mothers complain about their children offering unsolicited advice and helpful suggestions which they don't want. It's not just a one way street.

This thread has irritated me slightly!
people saying “you will miss her when she’s gone” and how to appease her. I get most people have mums that have good intentions but my mum has very few and I don’t think I will miss her when she’s gone. That makes me sad to say.

She is extremely negative and is always stating she feels lonely. When I offer to go to her house and bring the children, she refuses. She wants to be waited on at my house.

Only talks about herself and doesn’t know anything about me. She doesn’t even know what profession I do as she has never asked.

Has showed signs of being jealous of me.

Doesn’t talk to my children or ask about their well-being.

I suppose there has been some signs of love. She phoned me regularly when I had a major op and gives me material items but these fleeting moments feel hollow.

I feel the same. But my mum was not a great mum growing up. She’s now in her 80s and I’m in my 50s. She no longer has that kind of power over me.

I hate having to do stuff for my parents but do it out of duty rather than love. They irritate me so much and I can’t see it ever changing as they have no self-awareness and never will.

This thread has irritated me slightly!
people saying “you will miss her when she’s gone”

I too hate this sanctimonious bullshit. People always churn it out on threads when they have no idea about other people’s relationships with their parents. I won’t miss my parents when they are gone. It is taboo to say that kind of thing. There are some good places on here to vent though such as the stately homes thread, and some elderly parents threads.

Same, but add in a stream of judgemental comments on my appearance:

"you look thin" (been same weight for years)
"you look tired" (yeah I am tired, thanks for reminding me)
critique of my clothing choices (I am 36 years old and can dress myself thank you)

Its all just negativity and worry - my health, her health, the state of society, the state of the world - I just engage at a superficial level these days and don't take it personally.

When I think this about my mum I think I may irrate her and my child just as much maybe

Suggestion - it might be better to see your mums whilst you're doing something
Don't go round for a coffee, go out to an activity
It dilutes the conversation, gives you a focus and creates shared (hopefully positive) memories

My sons are grown and I do occasionally, with close friends, talk about my feelings of irritation and disappointment with them.

Your mums may well find you bloody irritating; they may feel sad that they're not closer, they may struggle to find a conversation that's connecting, they may know you're irritated by them and find themselves inhibited because of it

I'd also consider their friendship circle. My eldest once told me that as a teen, he'd moaned about me to his friend. Who said I'd loads of friends who obviously didn't think the same as DS. (I LOVE that friend of DSs 😁) which had made him sit up and think.
That is, is it just you that finds your mum irritating...

She has spent 50 years running a home so probably believes she is being helpful with her comments /advice. Perhaps sit her down and explain that women work long hours now and the house is as much DH’s responsibility as yours. She won’t want to be seen as criticising him.
im an oldie and certainly felt the state of the house reflected my capabilities and a dirty or untidy house was a reflection of me AND how I cared for DCs.
The other problem imv is no shared interests - so apart from kids,house what is there you are both interested in to talk about? Soaps? Movies (unlikely), my DM and I gardened but she never wanted my suggestions.
Recipes?
You won’t have shared friends so nothing to chat about there.
Books?
it’s sad to hear how wonderful the deceased parent is who dies unexpectedly early. Of course they were wonderful, died in the prime of life, didn’t get old and grumpy like the remaining one.
Perhaps ask her to bring one of her cakes, listen to DCs reading/spelling, weed the garden?
Then you might feel she contributes rather than drains.

I agree with *@IloveAslan being older myself with adult DC'S in their 30's and 40's, I don't think they realise sometimes how critical they are. I am fed up with being told that "You and Dad should downsize" "You can't go away for Christmas where will go for lunch?", " Why do you watch soaps they're rubbish!"
I love my DC'S beyond anything but what they need explaining to them are that we are all adults now, we do our own thing, I don't need criticism in my later years, I did my very best for them that I practically and financially could do at the time.
We do all generally get on well, but as parents we can see the shortcomings of our DC'S and try to ignore them, but I wonder if this works both ways?
As I am always trying to remind them when they have disagreements a.o gdt themselves or are critical of their siblings that none of us are perfect.
As an aside I didn't always get on with my Mum, but I loved her, and she did her best as she saw it, for me.

"among themselves"

Treat your parents how you would want to be treated by your kids when you get older…. If that’s with contempt, don’t expect any different from your children.

Everyone on here will one day be older and abit ‘boring’ or ‘repetitive’. To pretend you won’t be is naive.

Hopefuly your children are more tolerant.

I've found this thread very helpful and I’m sorry that so many of us are feeling like this.

I am a very different person to my mum, she doesn’t have an interests apart from shopping, talking about people she knows and telling me about their various illnesses and who’s died. It’s so repetitive, wearing and negative.

I try to be patient but she expects a phone call every day and me to make her a roast dinner every Sunday. Honestly by the end of the week having worked long hours, shuffled the kids around to various activities and tried to get control of the house I just don’t want to have to deal with her too. She has too much time on her hands as my dad has been dead 20 years (who I was really close to and had lots in common with) and I feel like her emotional support human. this has been cathartic

I get it totally. I’m 43, have always been super close to mum growing up but as she’s got older she’s become bombastic, loudmouthed, opinionated and generally ill informed.
Within minutes of seeing her she has said something to get my back up and continues to do so until I leave (for example, I live on coast and she’s always asking me if I’ve seen any foreigners arrive on dinghy’s today… ugh) then spends the rest of our time together calling me grumpy.
its really hard because children adore her and we were have always been very close, so I end up feeling guilt over my attitude and try to ignore her behaviour, but it’s so hard.
maybe it’s to do with getting older, not sure. But you have my sympathies.

Same with my mum really. I’m having a lot of realisations lately about my own childhood now that my oldest is the age I was and am sort of ‘stuck in’. They say when you’re traumatised, your brain is stuck at the age of your trauma. And so your mum doing something that pisses you off for seemingly no reason can take you back to that age and you might not respond in a rational adult way.

I was looked after OK but not really actively and openly loved. When you’re a kid, your frame of reference is so small that the worst thing that has ever happened to you is still the worst thing that has ever happened to you, even if now you’re an adult (or to your parents at the time) you can see that it was ‘nothing’ and wouldn’t really count it as trauma. It’s still trauma to childhood you.

So I don’t know if any of that is relatable to you OP but it’s a huge reason why my mother pisses me off at the drop of a hat.

i could have written this post, it’s my mum through and through (although we live further apart so I get weekends worth of this when I see her!). It’s wearing me down, she never used to be as bad as she’s been recently. I was starting to wonder if there was dementia creeping in but maybe it’s just her. I don’t think she’s like that with my brother though, she complains to me about his parenting and life choices but I suspect she never says it to him.

I’m also 43 and don’t find my mum good company. We just don’t have much in common. She has a limited range of interests, the current one being which dishwasher to buy, I mean, there’s a limit to how many times I want to talk about that, or whether she should paint a pale blue room grey. And if it’s not that, it’s about immigrants ‘coming over here’. I close those down straight away, so then we’re not left with much.
She was controlling when I was a child and we never had people round or went to other people’s houses, we were also smacked a lot, so I guess I’m not left feeling very positive to her. She also was critical about my appearance and interests and I don’t want that passed onto my children. Not that she ever asks them anything either. One of my children has additional needs and she asked ‘if he’d grow out of it’ and has never once asked if there’s something she could read about it to know more.

I don’t know why people come on here to tell you ‘I’d give anything to have her back’, that’s their relationship and is a singularly unhelpful thing to say.
OP, I think all you can do is attempt to keep visits short if you don’t want to limit how many you have, as she won’t change. And I don’t agree that we all become like this, I just spent a few days with my mother in law, who I like and can talk to about a range of subjects.