I’m 45 and my mum really irritates me

[escapemybrain]

Nobody pushes my buttons like my mum who is in her 70s. I see her once every 1-2 weeks and literally within minutes of seeing her she’s said something that’s triggered me.

For the most part I’m a caring, fun person but with my mum I’m short, defensive and irritable. I start feeling anxious whenever I’m going to see her as know I’m going to be a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

I am 45, have 2 young children and a husband, a good job, house, doing generally fine at life etc etc.

As I started to list some examples of what’s irritating they all sound petty, but generally the themes are constant talk of money and side comments on spending, negativeness and catastrophising, putting a downer on any topic mentioned, constant reminders about things like I’m a child (e.g. clocks changing, family birthdays even though I know), “helpful” suggestions on things that I’ve not asked for help on, unsolicited advice, comments about things that need doing in the house. Or offering to do something in the house (which I appreciate is nice but I’m a grown up and don’t want that).

She was a good mum when I was younger but quite controlling.

Ive read bits on what to do on this which the suggestion is generally “don’t try to change her” there is no point as I can’t fix that, just work on how I react/feel in the situations as that is something I can manage.

I'm a bit envious of people with great relationships with there older parents and would like that with my mum. So really just looking to hear from anyone who can empathise and/or has overcome something similar.

I try not to make demands on my 2 grown up children as I know they have lives too. Sometimes they annoy the shit out of me too! The wasteful things they spend on, the tablets their kids are glued to, the clothes they put them in. I try not to moan, but that's kids for you!

@SammyScrounge my mum was amazing though and clearly loved me unconditionally. So I guess I need to add that truly loving each other is also the key. Along with good communication.

Unfortunately as I've got older I've realised how rare that is..

I hear you. I feel similarly about my mum, and I get anxious whenever she visits (not as often because we live further away but I think that puts even more pressure on the relationship tbh). She’s visiting soon and I know she’ll be critical of my house (I am not up to her housework standards even though I secretly have a cleaner - couldn’t tell her that!) and our parenting (she simultaneously praises how well mannered / behaved our child is but then says we are too strict… like maybe she’s well mannered / behaved because we are ‘strict’. She doesn’t like my husband either (no reason for this other than we moved for his job). So all in all I end up being stressed and not enjoying it!

I’m sure there’s more of a backstory to it but it sounds like your mum is trying to help out her busy daughter who has children. My mum does similar thing a for me, helps keep the garden in check, bit of cleaning, doing tasks that have been on my list for ages but I always seem to run out of time. Sometimes it does feel a bit like she’s checking if I’ve done things but I know it’s coming from a place of kindness- she’s trying to help me out because I’m a busy mum trying balance everything - and also my mums been there and she knows what it’s like, she was a working mum too. And you’re leaving her messages unread? If I tried to help my adult children and they were always annoyed I would feel really sad. Maybe you should talk to her about it?

I think Mums often have this effect on older DC as their parenting role is redundant yet they're programmed to give 'helpful advice' and make you in their image, to an extent. I agree with PP that the best thing is to rise above it. My Mum was lovely but I did feel criticised by her frequently. I don't mean to be dramatic, but then she became terminally ill and died and I regretted fighting her over it. If I could do it all again I would try much harder to say 'OK Mum!' in a cheerful voice and leave it at that.

Your mum is the only one that’ll ever be that honest with you or offer to help with things like windows!

I really miss that level of brutal honesty and irritation now my mum is no longer here because nobody else in your life tends to be like that.

This is me and my DM. It helps that I have now gone LC. A phone call a couple of times a month is about as much as I can tolerate.

There is absolutely no point in having a discussion, you won’t resolve anything. As you have rightly identified already the only thing you can control is your response.

and yes to answer your question my mum irritated me immensely and, like other posters, she died when she was 70 and I was 45.

My advice would be to take a deep breath and (metaphorically) down the volume on the comments.

A few years ago, things started to feel like that with my mum too. Up to then she'd been a brilliant mum but as time went on I felt like she was hard to please and I'd get really irritated by small things which would leave me anxious. I realised that she was struggling herself, she had lots of 'itty bitty' health problems, felt lonely at times and relied heavily on me for emotional support. In the end I decided to adjust how I responded to it and I just loved her, was really positive and didn't overreact if she said things that bothered me. We had some brilliant family times and the less I responded, the more chilled she became.

I made my peace with it and I am so, so glad I did because about a year after she collapsed and died of a massive heart attack. Before she died our relationship was good and the last thing I ever said to her (on the phone) about an hour before she died was 'love you'. I have no regrets...just glad she knew she was loved and that I did everything I can.

I don't want to be 'that person' but I think if your mum is otherwise a good person, then cutting her some slack might be the way forward.

I wonder if it is something to do with being in our 30s/40s? Something to do with being fully grown up, possibly with children of our own. We are then at the age they were when we became conscious of them as parents.

DM and I were never close. I can remember feeling very irritated by her in my 30s. It felt like she wanted to create a happy, jolly, extended family. Lots of cousins all playing together. Except that wasn't how we had grown up so it all felt artificial. The more DM tried to do it, the more I pulled away.

Now I am in my late 50s my relationship with DM is totally superficial. She is in her mid 80s. I phone her every couple of weeks. We chat about nothing very much. I make sure I visit her every couple of months. Both our worlds are small and we aren't really in each other's.

My mum was the same til dementia took her. Always been very controlling of me and wanting to know everything so she can criticise (and tell my sister against my wishes, who'd try to better me or, if she couldn't, use the information against me).

She wanted me to be a mini her as my sister isn't, and was very hurt to repeatedly discover I was my own person. Anything I did differently to her would be remarked on repeatedly to try to wear me down.

It really struck me last year, when friends of both mine and mum's visited. I automatically started to deflect what I thought would be criticism when my friend stopped me and pointed out she agreed with my approach. I remarked that my mother wouldn't say that and she looked at me in the eye and said "I am not your mother." I realised then that she, at least, had the measure of my mum and it wasn't just me.

Could you be peri-menopausal Op?
Everyone irritated me when I was, especially the moaners, needy ones and the woe is me types.

Hmm she's probably not going to change. But you could work on being less triggered. Provided she's not actively trying to be mean/ upset you.
Would the things she says upset you if someone else said them?

No one is obligated to keep in touch with people. Just cut them out..bare minimum info and contact.

My DM was very controlling of me,I was an only child.
I definitely felt I was her support crutch.
But when I had my kids,she was around way too much.
It's only now when my own DC have had their kids I realised how much she over stepped.

She died 24 years ago when I was 27.
And I don't miss her the way I should.
I just feel a sense of relief.

What would you prefer to talk about?

Honestly just take a breath. Just because she is your Mum doesn’t guarantee you will be besties. Just because she is a parent doesn’t mean she doesn’t have issues or her own anxieties (you mention her catastrophising). I don’t know you or your DM but from the detail you give she does not sound like a terrible person. It’s not easy being a Mum and it’s not easy for her to stop mothering you (or irritating you as you perceive it). One day you won’t have this worry so perhaps consider that next time you snap and also one day it might be your DC discussing how annoying you are.

Sounds like she might need some counselling from being continually snapped at…….. Also maybe think of people who have grown up without a supportive DM perhaps in the care system or have lost a parent as a child, then reread your post……..

I'm 44, OP, my narcissistic abusive mother lives in another country, she is 80. I would prefer if I didn't have to see her again.

My mum irritates me very much. We live very far apart so don't see them often, but even so I can feel my jaw getting tense almost immediately I'm in her company.

I think it boils down to her lack of interest in me or my DCs but still feeling entitled to pass comment on everything I say or do. She dismisses almost every opinion or statement I make (slight sneer and "oh I don't think so")

She will ignore me and has had selective deafness for about 40 years so ignores me when I ask a question.

She dismisses every bad thing that has ever happened to me with " never mind!"

She talks endlessly about the various projects she's involved in but never asks about my life or my DC.

Talked at length about wanting granddaughters (I have boys) and clearly favours my younger sister and her DCs to the point where she told me during my DSis's first pregnancy that my DCs "were great but if DSis has a girl it'll be fantastic!" She had a boy. Ha.

Thank you for this. It is really helpful.

I appreciate some people on this thread have difficult relationships with their mums and their needs weren't met as children etc. but for me my mum is a fundamentally good person, did her best and loves her children and i feel terrible when im irritated with her / things arent nice.

Very similar situation here.
My mum and to a same extent her sister, my aunt. Even if in person they’re like chalk and cheese some behaviour is exactly the same.
(and there’s a reason why there’s a body of salty water between us)
My MIL, however, a different story.
I’d walk to hell and back for my lovely MIL.
Only when I got married I realised what “mother” really means and nearly wept for my childhood, how different it could have been.
Can’t turn back time, can we?
I’m trying hard to not be like my mum and every time my DH says I’m turning into her I stop and have a long hard look at myself. I always ask myself what would my MIL do instead.

@silverchrome You're right. I'm aware that my mother's criticisms come from a place of concern, she's just really bad at expressing it so it comes across as 'picking' at me. Also there's nothing to be concerned about - I'm fine! My life is honestly pretty good right now! - so its draining to be around. Also she's always been pessimistic/had a bit of 'mean world syndrome', which has become exaggerated with age. I relate to people's comments about sometimes feeling like an 'emotional support human', but whilst she was far from a perfect parent, I do believe she did her best whilst facing some serious external challenges. I will do my best to remain patient and remind myself it's really not about me.

I have found that the same tactic that works with my teenagers works with my mum, that is genuinely trying to become more zen. I think HRT has helped and doing loads of exercise. (48). Just trying to accept them for what they are and recognising that a lot of their hapless comments are not really personal. I feel very guilty as I live abroad and my Mum is on her own, I do visit with the kids about 3 times a year and once or twice alone, and she can just about make it over here at Christmas. I think we will all get annoying as we get older and I have exactly that teenage reaction to snap back at her, just try not to! Not easy...

@NotThatOld I too hate this sanctimonious bullshit.

Well I hate my true feelings being invalidated as "sanctimonious bullshit"! If you read many of the posts, you will see people like me who acknowledges being irritated, but does really miss their mum when she is no longer around!

My mum was a bit controlling but she was genuinely coming from a good place. She loved us, and she thought she knew best. She didn't always know best, but sometimes she actually did.

Now I'm within a couple of years of the age my mother died, I think I have a clearer insight into her nature. She had always been quite anxious, and I think that went into overdrive with menopause. I wasn't always anxious but am more so as I have got older.

We dismissed her aches and pains - well karma has bitten because I now share them and my kids dismiss them.

I think older people can be less resilient and less tolerant, because you know what, people of our age can and do die! For years my granny referred to her, "kicking up the daisies". Mum's was, I'll probably be lying in X graveyard". I've found myself saying, "when I kick the bucket" lately! I've literally turned into them!!!

I'm 55 and could easily have written the same post about my mother. She's 85 and I've realised she's never going to change. I've just stopped tell her less and less until she barely know anything about our lives now.

I still tell my dad stuff but he's in a care home and I'm not really sure how much he remembers our conversations.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who'd had counselling for something similar and she said she found it very helpful. A lot about acceptance and putting coping strategies in place. Maybe you should give that a go?