I’m 45 and my mum really irritates me

[escapemybrain]

Nobody pushes my buttons like my mum who is in her 70s. I see her once every 1-2 weeks and literally within minutes of seeing her she’s said something that’s triggered me.

For the most part I’m a caring, fun person but with my mum I’m short, defensive and irritable. I start feeling anxious whenever I’m going to see her as know I’m going to be a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

I am 45, have 2 young children and a husband, a good job, house, doing generally fine at life etc etc.

As I started to list some examples of what’s irritating they all sound petty, but generally the themes are constant talk of money and side comments on spending, negativeness and catastrophising, putting a downer on any topic mentioned, constant reminders about things like I’m a child (e.g. clocks changing, family birthdays even though I know), “helpful” suggestions on things that I’ve not asked for help on, unsolicited advice, comments about things that need doing in the house. Or offering to do something in the house (which I appreciate is nice but I’m a grown up and don’t want that).

She was a good mum when I was younger but quite controlling.

Ive read bits on what to do on this which the suggestion is generally “don’t try to change her” there is no point as I can’t fix that, just work on how I react/feel in the situations as that is something I can manage.

I'm a bit envious of people with great relationships with there older parents and would like that with my mum. So really just looking to hear from anyone who can empathise and/or has overcome something similar.

Oh and please only have the conversation with her if you’re really prepared for the aftermath. Not only are you probably going to cause unrepairable damage but you’re going to feel like sh*t afterwards. Please just try and work on your relationship in a different way.

Same here. Short visits. Its tiring when they negative. Feel she still tries to control us as adults. Im 51.. my friend said hers the same.

Sounds like my mother and i’m a similar age

As the saying goes: is she really your mother if she Dosen’t drive you mad

I have thought about saying some awful things to her but never have as she probably won’t be around for that many years to come, you think your mother will be there forever but they wont

I wish I had a better relationship with her but I don’t think it will ever improve, she has caused me an immense amount of stress over the years

I had every good intention of replying to every response but didn’t quite expect the quantity which says a lot! Many people empathise and feel the same way, which in itself is helpful to me. Also some really good advice and alternative views so thanks to everyone so far.

First thing to say is condolences to those people who have lost their mums/parents and understand the comments about me needing to be grateful she is here to irritate me. I am mindful of this and was part of the reason for reaching out for any advice to to try and create opportunities for us to better enjoy each others company.

I also acknowledge it is a two way thing and I probably annoy her too. I’ve assumed I do. As I said, I don’t really like who I become around her either…that’s the point.

@BingoMarieHeeler there were certainly elements of my childhood that were very distressing and exacerbated the controlling element of my mum and perhaps I resent her for that.

Even creating this thread and reading the responses has been helpful in a therapeutic way and certainly digging a bit deeper in to that with a professional at some point couldn’t harm in developing some additional tools for dealing with this.

My mother was of a different generation altogether an older mother and was very out of touch when we were teenagers . Didn't talk about emotions or prepare us for life. Was a very caring woman though whose sole duty was her family . When I had my own kids she never intetefered unless I asked and just said I don't know I can't remember if I wanted advice on weaning , feeding . So while she was not overbearing at all I found it hard to have anything to talk about as I find it so boring. Looking back , I wish I had more patience and understanding as I think my own daughter might see me this way. It is a hard shift to being adults together when my role had been to guide and protect .

@Notalldogs23 some good tips here thank you. She is great with the grandkids so making that a focus, as well as things are easier when I go to her house.

You aren’t alone!

This is me with my DM & her DM… what gets me just as much as the actual friction between us all is the fact that there has been minimal improvement in 3 gens & history is repeating itself.

I’ve been parenting my mum since I can remember. I’ve had counselling and chatted to friends/colleagues who unfortunately all say similar to what you’ve already stated; nothing will change. They have also said I should add distance and put myself first. Have slowly started doing so and feel much better.

I’m still going through the grieving process of it all though as like you have also said, it’s a gut punch seeing other families getting on.

Thanks @Tilllly also good suggestions, I’ll try walking or a trip to town so it gives active topics we come across to discuss instead of the usual.

She does have lots of friends so can’t annoy everyone the same…but then also wouldn’t say the things she does to me to them! 😅

@Shoppingfiend we have a few common interests - gardening etc so moving topics on to that or actually doing it might help. Thank you

Oh god the constant harping on about illness. Any illness will do! Her's, the neighbours, the woman at the bus stop's ...

Pleeeeease stop it. I don't like sharing stuff about health. I don't enjoy hearing the he said she said (half made up for dramatic effect i'm sure) details about their phone convos to the drs.

I don't even like talking to her about my OWN health because a. i just don't like talking about health stuff for the sake of a convo subject, and b. i know it'll just be the next bit of tittle-tattle for the neighbours. I just don't want to talk doom and gloom all the fucking time! (yes i've told her - makes no difference)

And you know what? The less i tell her about myself (the old grey rock) the more lies she makes up about things i've said or done.

And don't even start me on the 'Guess Who's Dead' game 🙄🙄 Even jumping in and guessing correctly doesn't stop the misery train. She just pauses, and then carries on.

My (young adult) kids have taught me to laugh about this last one though.

My DP feels similarly about his Mum, and increasing tells me he’d rather not see her anymore. I don’t tend to have huge sympathy tbh - yes, she’s quite annoying (sometimes very annoying) but who isn’t? Her heart’s in right place and there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with her.

It sounds like you get that though and are keen to work through it.

This is where I’d like to get to! Thank you

No problem! As you seen you're not alone. I've worked with several people who've grappled with their historic parental relationships - the woman who couldn't bear to see her mother's face in the mirror, the man who was still a scared four year old even though his bullying father was long dead. It's an engrained pattern of thoughts and behaviours but it is not fixed.

@Mistlebough thank you. At its simplest, I would like for us to be able to sit and chat about all sorts of variety of things, tell her about stuff without apprehension of judging and criticisms and for it to be just normal and a pleasure for both of us. Create nice memories and feel like it’s a comforting experience that is to be looked forward to.

As it stands, she doesn’t really know me at all (as I suspect I don’t know her) because I hide things and don’t really share anything of substance with her in order to avoid the judgement.

Overall this has given me a few tools to try and some resolve to have a go as would really like things to be better as I want her to have a relationship and memories with her grandkids too.

And don't even start me on the 'Guess Who's Dead' game

If there was a new Covid with your friends and neighbours dying 3, 4, 5 a year - wouldn't that be your first point of conversation. DH mid 70s has lost about 6 or 7 friends and acquaintances in the last year or so, and he's not a hugely sociable person. It does concentrate the mind. Expecting people to not mention this when we all know we could be next is a bit unfair.
Though I do remember when DM was in her 80s everyone's conversation where she lived was about who, when and what medical treatment they were on and i promised myself not to do that.

Can I put some explanation here about the talking about health/who's died when someone is older.
As an oldie myself, I would explain that once some of your friends and acquaintances start suffering with life limiting illnesses in later life eg Parkinsons, multiple sclerosis, dementia your own future/ mortality plays on your mind so much, that you have to talk about it, almost to prepare those nearest to you that this is happening around you, and this could happen to you.
I'm sure it must be odd and tiring to be on the receiving end of this but please try and understand because I'm sure when most of you get older you will experience this "health panic", I know my own DM used to go on like this and I vowed I would never do it to my DC's, so I never talk about my or DH's health problems to them, but that doesn't stop my inner sense of my impending doom as regards my own mortality.
It is probably healthier to talk about it, who knows, but from the PP's here I can see that it's very tiresome, and I wouldn't want to be that tiresome irritating parent 🤔

Sorry to hear that, OP. I feel blessed with mine, reading all these posts, however, I live in a different country from mine. I am 48 and we get on like a house on fire now but I think that's because we chat via WhatsApp and I only see her twice a year (the visits can last up to 3 weeks though, so quite intense). We chat every day though, either via messages, voice messages or phone (I try to limit the phone and sometimes I don't answer it when she calls. Bad daughter!).

DM can also be quite self absorbed and talks about illnesses but her listening skills have improved so much as she aged (maturity?). Also, very importantly, we have a massive laugh together and the same sense of humour. We are really more like friends (not BFs!).

A previous poster said that they sometimes fantasise about having grown up with an "artsy", really chilled mum and for me it's the opposite. Like I said, DM is great now (in small doses) but she had me when she was 19 and all she cared about was partying and men. Not the best when you are 16 and need a role model. I ended up spending time and even living with my gran in the end, who was amazing and gave me some stability.

However, when I go back to my country, DM can irritate me within seconds of seeing her and like yourself OP, I do not like the person I become around her (snappy, short). Sometimes it's fine and we have a laugh. My sister on the other hand, cannot get on with her at all even though DM does so much for her and her DD. DM can be very critical of my sister and reproches her the very things she herself used to do in her youth. When I tell my sister that DM is not that bad, she reminds me that DM and I argued constantly 😳 before I left the country some decades ago.

What I am trying to say is, I think even the best mum will irritate, and the fact that I am geographically far from mine makes me appreciate her a lot more.

I hope, reading all the posts, that I will never become irritating to my DD or DS (as if!!). I am quite overbearing, I think it's a foreign thing, but I am also very chilled so I am going to try to let go 100% now. Very useful post. You are defo not alone.😊

This is me too. And it's all very well saying I'll miss her when she's gone because I know that! That's half the problem and so I just feel guilty about that too, especially as I can see her aging.

I'm almost 49 and could have written this.

This is my mum! lol I understand everything you said so well. My New Year's resolution this year was to text her everyday and have a nice chat with her even if she annoys me because she is almost 70 and I won't have her forever.

It's so interesting to see so many others feel this way! I thought me and my mum were dysfunctional but it seems pretty normal!

Yep! Me too. This is obviously a mother daughter thing and I don't think sons seem to be as irritated by their mums? As a mother of a boy I'm really hoping this is true though I can see him being irritated by me already age just 13....