I’m 45 and my mum really irritates me

[escapemybrain]

Nobody pushes my buttons like my mum who is in her 70s. I see her once every 1-2 weeks and literally within minutes of seeing her she’s said something that’s triggered me.

For the most part I’m a caring, fun person but with my mum I’m short, defensive and irritable. I start feeling anxious whenever I’m going to see her as know I’m going to be a version of myself I don’t particularly like.

I am 45, have 2 young children and a husband, a good job, house, doing generally fine at life etc etc.

As I started to list some examples of what’s irritating they all sound petty, but generally the themes are constant talk of money and side comments on spending, negativeness and catastrophising, putting a downer on any topic mentioned, constant reminders about things like I’m a child (e.g. clocks changing, family birthdays even though I know), “helpful” suggestions on things that I’ve not asked for help on, unsolicited advice, comments about things that need doing in the house. Or offering to do something in the house (which I appreciate is nice but I’m a grown up and don’t want that).

She was a good mum when I was younger but quite controlling.

Ive read bits on what to do on this which the suggestion is generally “don’t try to change her” there is no point as I can’t fix that, just work on how I react/feel in the situations as that is something I can manage.

I'm a bit envious of people with great relationships with there older parents and would like that with my mum. So really just looking to hear from anyone who can empathise and/or has overcome something similar.

I used to be the same with my mum, less so my dad. My parents were very 'Stately Home' and I moved away at 17 but until the last visit, some eight years ago, I would regress to a surely and defiant 13 year old as soon as I walked through the door. In turn she reverted to parent mode - "don't put your bag there, it's untidy" "you've peeled the potatoes the wrong way" and "oh, are you having ANOTHER glass of wine?"

It is possible to change the way you behave and respond to her. There's a part of your subconscious mind that hasn't caught up with the fact that you're an adult and, as such, her equal. Once you can accept that you will interact with her without fear of censure and she will, without realising, change the way she behaves because she no longer has power over you.

I am trying to except that neither of my parents can be the parents I’d like them to be and it’s hard to not snap and be disappointed in them. Makes me resolve to not do the same to my kids. And also try to remember that I want to not be regretful if they passed away suddenly, so try to bite my tongue and keep that in mind. Also try to treat them as I would want my DD x 3 to treat me when I am also old and batty!

I have a great relationship with my mum and she still irritates the hell out of me in ways no one else can. I know it’s the same for a number of my friends. I fully expect to do this to my children too, even though I will try not to. I think it’s a mum thing. A bit of distance and lots of deep breaths are needed.

Mu mum drives me mad because she is such a hypocrite. Moans about people claiming benefits, when a large part of our life she claimed them herself, or people being irresponsible (having kids too young). She often moans about traits in other people (being overly religious etc) that she has herself. I guess we all do it, but it just seems more obvious when my mum does it.

I love her dearly, and sometimes she is the voice of reason and she is very kind, but she doesn't half talk some crud sometimes. I think we've just both got more opinionated as we age, so we clash more than before.

I felt exactly the same, my mum could be difficult, demanding, and quite self centred as she got older. I was often irritated by her and I think I allowed this to cloud a lot of the good things in our relationship. When she died suddenly following a stroke it was devastating.
I know it's a cliche but I would rather she was here, annoying the life out of me, than be without her. She was a complicated person and I wish I had taken more time to get to know her and understand her a bit more. In hindsight, all those little niggles were so negligible compared to the gaping hole she left behind. I miss her so much.

Christ this all sounds very familiar....

My mum is also hard work. Critical, opinionated, self absorbed, emotional, anxious, demanding.

Having said that, sometimes she can be great company but it's all on her terms. It's very draining.

We're very different people. I often fantasise about what it would be like to have a really cool, chilled mum, a bohemian artsy type. It makes me quite sad because I'd love it if we had a better relationship but she really knows how to push my buttons.

Sympathies.

Mine is quite narcissistic and just talks at you, then complains she doesn’t know what’s happening in my life 🤷‍♀️. I think it gets worse the older she gets as she doesn’t remember anything I say (because she wasn’t listening in the first place). Spending time with her can be a bit draining but I persist as I don’t want to look back with regret when she’s gone.

My mum was wonderful but also could set me off quickly at times. Thankfully we had a dialogue and I was able to tell her but also her me.
That's the key.

This is me too, coupled with her memory loss - not at all her fault - but which results in her asking me the same directions to somewhere 3 or 4 times in a row. I find it really sad that I am so irritated by her, to be honest. But we have a long history of what psychiatrists call 'enmeshment' so it's always very difficult and triggering .

I’m like this with my Mum, and generally speaking she isn’t even doing anything wrong.

I think over time I’ve found her quite possessive of me, and she can also be easily offended, but equally I can be snappy with her for no reason at all.

I think some parents never see their children as adults. Even the ones that do tend to slip from time to time out of habit.

At the same time some children tend to slip back into child/parent roles. It’s hard to break an ingrained habit.

I look back at me and my mum’s relationship as well as her and my sisters. I think me moving away helped us forge a new path vs my sister who lived near her all her life.

But make no mistake… we had our moments, including a couple years when we didn’t talk.

It’s a tough relationship to navigate no matter what.

OP this is a really worthwhile thread thanks. How would you like your relationship with your DM to be and what would it look like when you spend time together? I feel like this and always have about my own DM and absolutely dread that DDs would feel like this about me but I’m sure sometimes they do.

Some of the common themes seem to be feeling dragged down by negativity which I totally get, but someone offering to clean your windows to me seems really kind as long as it’s not a criticism. How can mums have a less irritating effect? Definitely adult to adult not parent to child and not passing judgement or criticism as none of like that at all. I can sense one DD’s impatience with me but feel I am very tolerant of her so it feels a bit one sided sometimes.

It feels really sad that it should be so prickly and hard to navigate when we all mostly want to feel close to family and have relationships.

I'm the same OP. I love my mum, and I always feel terrible about it after I've seen her, but when she visits, I can almost feel my hackles rise as soon as she arrives. And I shouldn't feel like that, but I do.

She's a funny one though because she's apparently 'very sensitive' according to my step dad, yet says the least sensitive things to me, she cannot read the room at all.

Like many others in here, I'm sad that our relationship isn't great.

OP when my DM was in her early 70's I found myself irritated by everything she said and did, and most particularly by the way she kept repeating things that she'd already told me. One day I decided to ask the advice of a lady I worked with, who was about 15 years my senior, as I really didn't like the person I was, when I was with my Mum any more. She looked me in the eye, and said "I'd give everything I have to be able to chat with my DM again". She then walked away and left me to think about it. It made me realise that our time together was growing shorter every day, and so the next time I saw my DM, I found myself biting my tongue rather than biting her head off. I was shocked at how being more tolerant, and not immediately biting like you do as a teenager, completely turned around the way I thought about her, and realised that that short sentence from my colleague, had made me see how lucky I was to still have my DM. I guess it was at that time, that we changed from DM looking after me as her 'child', to me beginning to look after her, as she started to age.

No advice but just wanted to say I’m mid 40s and in the same position. My mum sounds much like yours and while I love her very much, I get annoyed within minutes of seeing her. She has also become more anxious as she’s got older and it’s making things harder - e.g. recently she didn’t want to leave something (a relatively inexpensive food item) in the car for 20 mins because she thought someone would steal it. At 9am. On a Saturday morning. On a quiet residential street. I snapped at her and then felt terrible about it.

The only thing I will say is that trying to talk to her, even calmly, just doesn’t work. I’ve tried a few times over the years. It’s impossible. She just starts saying that I am saying she’s an awful mother - which I’m not, because she’s not. But it’s all woe is me and nothing changes.

So I am just trying to manage my feelings. I am trying to keep calm and not respond to things which are infuriating, even if she has gone off on a long rant or is saying something which is, frankly, stupid or even mean! But it doesn’t always work and I too am thinking of some form of counselling, just to find coping mechanisms.

Sending solidarity, OP, and hoping someone comes on here with some good ideas on how to make this work!

Lost my mam (at 61) a few months ago so I'm at a stage it's hard to think badly of her, but she could be irritating. I'd say very few people could be as irritating as her at times. There was a lot of drama and catastrophe going on. The one time I told her she stresses me out when she gets like that she started laughing, which didn't really help.

I know she also found her mam irritating though. I'd be there when my nana would say something my mam would take offence to and there was really nothing in it. She would often take things my nana said the wrong way. It was like she was tuned to it. Maybe we're all tuned to find our mothers annoying!

As @Runnerinthenight says though, I'd do anything to be irritated by her one more time.

I just list everything she says that irritates me then she literally won’t have anything left to say to me!

This made me laugh. I totally get you. I'm 46 and my mom drives me bonkers. I feel like I have to caveat every conversation about her with "but I love her!". We just have nothing in common - mostly all mine talks about is her every sniffle and headache and the sniffles and headaches of anyone she knows however vaguely. She has just made her world so small - its a cautionary tale unfortunately.

Needed this thread today to see I’m not alone. My mum didn’t really raise me, she was either at work or passed out drinking, I lived with grandparents a lot of the time.

today she’s told me i should just get a laundry person in as I earn enough money to do it (I don’t) context is that daughter has a bed wetting issue and is under investigation for kidney problems. So the washing does pile up. But wouldn’t it just be so much nicer to say “let me do a load for you” instead of immediately finding another job for me to do, ie find someone, get a load sorted for them, wait for them to collect, wait for them to drop off, pay them etc. it’s no less time consuming. She could just have offered to help me instead of piling on.

She sounds like a lot of mums, can you identify why you find it all so triggering?

someone offering to clean your windows to me seems really kind as long as it’s not a criticism

really would love my mum to offer to clean my windows. i get the criticism and judgement and assumption I can afford it so why not…. and then still have to clean my own windows 🤣

I'm not criticising anyone I promise but dear God I lost my mum at a year old. I would give years of my life for a bit of irritation.

OP, so sorry to hear your mum winds you up so much. My dear mum passed away recently and we had our moments for sure, but behind that was a lot of love - we had an amazing relationship and I to this day regret the times I snapped at her or didn’t have time to spend with her.
Do reach out for some sort of help for coping strategies as there is honestly nothing worst than all the things you could have done differently but can’t anymore

Sounds similar to our mum, another one who was very much the controller of everything at home.
Her behaviour would trigger me and as she got older the greater the trigger, and I had very little patience left, thankfully there's a few of us So it was shared out.
I do think a lot if it was she became very much less tolerant of everything and everyone and this would go from attitude to constant moaning/ complaining.
She passed 2yrs ago. We had a wonderful celebrant wio did her funeral and he got us all to chat about her, from when we were kids etc. It really was amazing because we recalled how she HAD been, all the things she did for us as our mum, all the friends in the community who relied on her, /she helped . It reminded us to remember these things, rather than the annoying, tolerance lacking old lady she became.
Think many older people develop like this and It's not much help but you are not alone.

Some posters are very lucky they haven't had a manipulative mother.
OP, I love my mother but find her challenging. I have had some counselling (not just because of this, it's not that bad), and found it helpful. Being able to express frustration to an impartial listener without feeling guilty helped me see what's a real problem, what I could let go, and what I might need to do to take care of myself.
I try to make sure I remember hospital appointments etc so I can check in with her, and I try to plan nice things we can do together. We have some common interests so I like to try and think of things that will bring out the best in us both and hopefully create some nice memories that will hopefully last longer than the irritations. Good luck to you both.

It's very difficult, mine was intolerable & I felt nothing except passing sadness when she died, all I can say in her defense is that she couldnt help who she was, by god she was a right b1tch!
If I could go back in time . . .

Well, I think
I'd lamp her one when I was 15.
NOT GOOD!
I can only hope mine dont feel like that about me😶