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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad my grandchildren will go to boarding school

204 replies

MiMaMe · 13/02/2024 19:01

I have 2 sons, eldest lives locally we see his children most weeks. Youngest lives in Paris currently, but they move somewhat often. He and his wife have a 2 year old and are expecting their second. We have come to visit them for a week.
In conversation it has come up that they plan to send their kids to boarding school as they move about every 2 years. His wife boarded from 8, weekly boarding until 11 then full boarding. She went to a prestigious international boarding school and said it was incredible. They plan to replicate this, perhaps waiting until 11 to board at all if they can.

I don’t know many people who liked boarding, we considered it but decided it was very cold. They already have a nanny who seems to see our grandchild a lot more than her parent do. AIBU to be sad about this?

OP posts:
PrincessCharlette · 14/02/2024 17:12

I went to a co-ed boarding school from the age of 12 and loved it. I made lifelong friends and it taught me to be a self confident and independent. woman. Yes, standards were high but you learned so much more than just how to pass an exam. It was more like a second home than school.

IgglePiggledidawiggle · 14/02/2024 17:15

Thing is I am not going to get into a debate about who loves their kids the most. And if the child doesn’t want do it that different.

But would you lay out the opportunities for that type of education with your teenage kids? Maybe go home from work tonight and explain it as even handedly as you can and see their reaction? Or would you just not, just in case they saw it as an opportunity to get some real independence, whilst knowing that they had you at home forever and always but that you were just helping them live their life and find their feet?

Suchagroovyguy · 14/02/2024 17:20

Begsthequestion · 14/02/2024 16:16

Yes, that's precisely how your post came across.

Having kids is not mandatory and they are not accessories you can keep at arms length and drag out at Christmas to show the world how well rounded you are. They are people and they need a family.

Show quote history

I chose to go to boarding school. I really liked my family too. And I wasn’t on a par with the box with the Christmas decorations. Two of my siblings also wanted to board, one didn’t. We’re all close, healthy, well-rounded….whispers successful…

Which parent do you think should be the one to sacrifice their career, out of interest?

Mimami · 14/02/2024 17:20

Begsthequestion · 14/02/2024 16:07

Wow, your friends sounds like terrible parents who should never have had kids. What were their "other" reasons to create children, if they don't actually like children or want to raise them??

It's a bit like the care system I suppose - it's sad but kids are better off away from a family that is very dysfunctional.

However in care no one expects you to think or say it's a privilege that your parents didn't really want you around, or couldnt prioritise your needs over their desires.

Let's face it, any couple with such highflying jobs is in a better position than anyone to choose to do something else for a living and raise their own kids, but instead they insist the kids are better off having these "great opportunities" without them. Bit gaslighty really.

From what I gather, this expectation/pressure for some kids to say they are grateful to be sent away to boarding school, when they're actually unhappy and would love to have a family life instead, adds a different layer of trauma to unpack. I mean, what kid is going to be brave enough to tell their parents that they hate this "privilege" they've had proudly bestowed on them at a sky high price, and that they would rather slum it at a local school with the "plebs"?

On the flip side, if your kid is genuinely happier at boarding school, I wonder if it must sting to know they'd rather be away from you the majority of the time? Do you ever wonder what went wrong?

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Well sometimes reality does not quite match up to expectation, and sometimes a great idea turns out to be not so great in practice. Clearly not everyone can be such a good parent as you!

ChunkyTofu · 14/02/2024 17:24

People always say they made "lifelong friends" at boarding school, as if this is something out of the ordinary.

PrincessCharlette · 14/02/2024 17:51

ChunkyTofu · 14/02/2024 17:24

People always say they made "lifelong friends" at boarding school, as if this is something out of the ordinary.

I'm not in contact with anybody from my childhood or from University or from the several countries I've worked in but I still see friends from school. In fact I'm going to Berlin to see a close school friend in a few weeks.

Boarding school you live together. You have breakfast, lunch and dinner, everyday. You share a room until six form. You learn to rely on each other, stand up for each other. You are together for most of the year for six years. I don't have a shared experience like that elsewhere. Colleagues and neighbours maybe. But that's not the same. Well, not for me anyway. And I went to a Co-Ed school, so it wasn't just girls.

isthismylifenow · 14/02/2024 18:05

ChunkyTofu · 14/02/2024 17:24

People always say they made "lifelong friends" at boarding school, as if this is something out of the ordinary.

You won't understand that connection unless you experience it I think.

There was always some that I was closer to than others. And you end up living with those people. You eat with them, sleep in the same room with them, do school work and then prep together, sports, weekend trips. You become more like siblings than school mates.

Of course it isn't like that for every single person in the school, but it was definitely the case for me and also for my actual siblings at the same school.

I just travelled over 1000km to attend one of their weddings. I've been out of school for 35 years. Many of us were there. It was like a mini reunion.

ChunkyTofu · 14/02/2024 18:09

I see you are both saying there was a deep connection there - but the phrase "lifelong friends" - I have lifelong friends from my non-boarding school (including my best friend), dh does too - you don't have to go to boarding school for that.

isthismylifenow · 14/02/2024 18:12

PrincessCharlette · 14/02/2024 17:51

I'm not in contact with anybody from my childhood or from University or from the several countries I've worked in but I still see friends from school. In fact I'm going to Berlin to see a close school friend in a few weeks.

Boarding school you live together. You have breakfast, lunch and dinner, everyday. You share a room until six form. You learn to rely on each other, stand up for each other. You are together for most of the year for six years. I don't have a shared experience like that elsewhere. Colleagues and neighbours maybe. But that's not the same. Well, not for me anyway. And I went to a Co-Ed school, so it wasn't just girls.

Show quote history

I didn't see your comment before I posted, basically saying the exact same thing.

I went to a co-ed school too.

I don't recognise what other posters are saying their schooling affecting relationships, careers, family issues etc going forward. My bunch are all pretty stable pleasant folk. Most are married with families, a couple of us divorced, majority are pretty successful in life. I think you do learn to be more resilient, and I don't see that as a bad thing in life.

Teddleshon · 14/02/2024 18:25

I went to boarding school and made lifelong friends as did my dh who went to a day school. I haven’t seen any meaningful difference in this regard between friends who boarded and those who didn’t.

In my case I actually lost contact with really close local friends from primary school as I was sent away for secondary, unlike my dh who is still in close contact with a bunch of friends he was at kindergarten with.

Dogfisher · 14/02/2024 18:31

I loved boarding and was so happy at school. I am sure that they will be fine OP.

IgglePiggledidawiggle · 14/02/2024 20:02

@Begsthequestion @Dottymug really interested to know what your kids said when you rationally explained both the positives and negatives of this type of education tonight?

Dottymug · 14/02/2024 20:17

@IgglePiggledidawiggle they said- mum don't be ridiculous. You know you couldn't afford to send us to boarding school and are deeply jealous of those who can.

herewegoagainy · 14/02/2024 20:23

I am not at all jealous of those who send their children to boarding school. I wanted to raise my own children.

Seashor · 14/02/2024 20:26

I don’t actually see a problem with boarding. My son was a day boy but his friends who boarded loved it.

SD1978 · 14/02/2024 20:32

In their circumstances boarding sounds like the most stable option for the kids- moving to new schools and countries every 2 years would be really hard- being consistently in the same school with the same friends does sound like a much better option.

eduwot · 14/02/2024 20:34

I agree. It just makes me think people don't like their own children. Why would an 8 year old be away from their parents all week?! Awful. Poor kids.

Emeraldrings · 14/02/2024 20:35

I know quite a lot of people who went to boarding school, they either didn't like it or absolutely hated it. I have also seen how it affected their relationship with their parents and siblings.
I'm sure some children enjoy it but it seems sad to send your child away for big chunks of time.
So YANBU to feel sad but unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. Even if you are willing to have your grandchild live with you it sounds like they have already decided on boarding school.

IgglePiggledidawiggle · 14/02/2024 20:37

@herewegoagainy if you look at my previous posts I am genuinely interested in what the kids of posters would say in the context that if you laid out the opportunities for that type of education with your teenage kids, explaining it as even handedly as you can and see their reaction? So not us, the parents, who make assumptions….Or would you just not, just in case they saw it as an opportunity to get some real independence, whilst knowing that they had you at home forever and always but that you were just helping them live their life and find their feet?

@Dottymug something tells me there is a bit of a mocking tone there but I would be interested to know what their reason for saying no would be cos after all, isn’t the whole thing about this what works for the kids?

herewegoagainy · 14/02/2024 20:40

@IgglePiggledidawiggle if we could afford it I could see offering it from aged 14 or 15 if they wanted it, but not before. Young children may want to go thinking it will be like harry potter, but young children do not always know what is best for them.

Baircasolly · 14/02/2024 20:42

Weekly boarding at a UK or international boarding school within an hour or so of where you are, and staying with you at weekends seems like a good solution?

FWIW I work in a boarding school, and it's lovely. A million miles from the 60s-80s experience that many people might be thinking of. For one thing, students all have phones and can facetime family every night if they want to. 11 years old can be too young for some kids, but most of them love it from 13+

solsticelove · 14/02/2024 20:46

SD1978 · 14/02/2024 20:32

In their circumstances boarding sounds like the most stable option for the kids- moving to new schools and countries every 2 years would be really hard- being consistently in the same school with the same friends does sound like a much better option.

I cannot understand this concept at all. It makes NO sense to me in terms of what would be best for a child. In fact I’m going to re-write it in another me way that does make sense to me…

“In their circumstances staying with their parents sounds like the most stable option for the kids- moving to new schools and countries every 2 years would be really hard- being consistently with their attachment figures (parents/siblings/own family) does sound like a much better option.”

Snugglemonkey · 14/02/2024 20:54

No. It is awful. I do a lot of working with boarding school survivors and would never, ever think about allowing it for a child of any age.

That said, it is much more damaging boarding at junior level.

I do not think you can do much. Other than offer your home and great school options near you as the point of stability.

herewegoagainy · 14/02/2024 20:59

All those saying boarding schools have changed, you do know none of us are objecting because if the food or accommodation, but because of the separation from family and being raised in an institution.

Snugglemonkey · 14/02/2024 20:59

rootsandwings89 · 13/02/2024 19:46

I can understand why you feel sad OP but if they seem pretty set in the idea then you may just have to trust they know what they're doing and focus on the positives - good education, good food, lots of activities with friends and they will come out with a lot more opportunities than most children.

That is the stuff that guilty boarding school survivors into thinking they have no right to complain. Or even to acknowledge that they were emotionally starved and were deeply affected by it. Most children have the security of a family. We arrange ourselves into family formations because it is the beneficial for children. Some families are not ideal of course, but any kind of boarding for pre teens is off the charts unhealthy.