Sad my grandchildren will go to boarding school

[MiMaMe]

I have 2 sons, eldest lives locally we see his children most weeks. Youngest lives in Paris currently, but they move somewhat often. He and his wife have a 2 year old and are expecting their second. We have come to visit them for a week.
In conversation it has come up that they plan to send their kids to boarding school as they move about every 2 years. His wife boarded from 8, weekly boarding until 11 then full boarding. She went to a prestigious international boarding school and said it was incredible. They plan to replicate this, perhaps waiting until 11 to board at all if they can.

I don’t know many people who liked boarding, we considered it but decided it was very cold. They already have a nanny who seems to see our grandchild a lot more than her parent do. AIBU to be sad about this?

That sounds a bit similar to being taken into care.

You don’t get a say on this. Boarding school is a fantastic experience and opportunity. If you didn’t go then you’ve got no idea. If your son and wife can’t give the children this experience and also assure the children that they’re loved then that’s on them. But like most domineering grandparents I expect you want to dictate what you think is best rather than let the child’s parents decide.

Have you mentioned this idea to them? they might like it.

Also- Some private school do flexiboarding in the Uk, you could do half and half too.

It depends on the child and the boarding school.
I went to boarding school in High School and absolutely loved it. I was very independent and it suited me. Know some from my school who didn’t enjoy their time.

I agree with you OP. Sad when an institution is better than your own family.
And lots of couples refuse to have a remote relationship because one has to move around, but are happy to have remote parenting.

I would be gutted.i love having my teens around me. So much fun and laughter in our house. I can't imagine missing out on it for days or weeks at a time.

I have several friends who went to boarding school. They hated it and wouldn't entertain it for their own children.

Having said that, it's not your place to decide how your son and his wife choose to educate their children.

It wouldn't hurt to ask if they'd consider a boarding school in the UK so you could visit/have kids for holidays. But by the sound of it they'll be at an international school.

The previous person suggesting your grandchildren live with you is bonkers. That would never happen. It's a bad idea for both you and the children.

You may feel sad now about something that may happen in the future, however this is not your child.
Thus you need to keep your feelings to yourself, and allow your son and his wife to make their decisions regarding their children.

My DH and SiL went to a boarding school from quite young. They hated it and often talk about how they'd cry themselves to sleep after school holidays. The way they talk about it, I think there's actually a bit of buried trauma to be honest. They definitely feel like they were loved less than their own children are. They often say things like 'Can you imagine sending our kids away at the age?!" Our DS was the first male in generations, not to go to boarding school. SIL didn't send her kids either.

Boarding school is essentially foster care for rich people. But there's nothing you can do. You have to accept it.

There is plenty of time still and it’s not like you’re likely going to see them any less than you are now bearing in mind the circumstances.

Wanting continuity and stability for your children is a basic parental desire and rite.

Your choices for your children should not dictate what your children choose for theirs.

If you still feel strongly in a few years time research French International School in London but having said that who knows what country they will choose and what family/friends reside there. If Grandma is in Germany and they find a school that supports the children’s best interests, you should find a way to get behind it or else you risk losing a precious connection with your grandchildren.

Also, in a few years time, listen to what the children want. Ask them without pushing your preconceived prejudices though.

My brother was lucky enough to choose the school he went to based on his requirements. It wasn’t the boarding school my parents had planned, but a grammar that meant he could stay at home. I also chose a local school.

That was my parents’ choice, to let us have a say, and I think they got it right.

Plus if they’re moving at 11, if things don’t work out then a lot of private schools accept a large cohort at 13 so options remain open. Ensure your mind does too.

Have to say I can't believe boarding schools still exist.

Who wants their child child in/by an institution instead of a family home?! It's really sad for the kids 😢

I'd be sad too

if their reason is to have stability for their kids, then can the kids stay with you to attend a school in UK and visit their parents on holidays? That is if you are willing as well

Ach one kid is only two and the other still in utero! No point in worrying about it now, a lot can change in 8 years or so. They probably don’t have any concept of what it is like to have an older child with opinions, or how their domestic family unit will feel when the time comes. It’s all talk right now.

It’s like any child with education. Some love school and some hate it, whether it’s day or boarding.

My son loved boarding school. Started as a day boy and began weekly boarding age 11. He wasn't a particularly confident boy but he enjoyed some sports and thrived there. Chose to weekly board again at senior school. He is aware it doesn't suit everyone but says his own experience was entirely positive.

I can understand your sadness.

I did notice your mention of the Atlantic College Schools though - there is one in South Wales. Could you perhaps discuss with them the location of the boarding school, if Atlantic is on the list?

My nieces have all boarded, weekly, from 13 to 18. Different schools to suit their needs & personality but all loved it.

My son went to boarding school from just shy of 14. He absolutely loved it and hopes to be able to send any children he has (he 21 now). To be feeling sad about this now seems a tad strange to me. Given the state of the world, much can change before they reach boarding age.

No, your parents choose to pay so that you can have a fantastic experience and open up opportunities only ever dreamed of by most of.

Their children, their choice. I understand you care for your grandchildren but you sound very interfering and judgmental. I think you should keep your lips firmly shut about the whole matter. It may never happen. The children may thrive in that environment - just like their mother did. Presumably you could arrange with the parents to visit and take them out for the weekend from school. It sounds like fantastic opportunities will be available for your grandchildren.

Not your children so yes you are being unreasonable. We also move every 2 years and are considering boarding along with my husband leaving his career, will decide which option nearer the time. A lot of his colleagues boarded and a few of my friends and all loved it and are well rounded individuals with brilliant careers/lives. I find ir funny when people on here talk about their dad/grandad who hated boarding. You can’t compare now wirh 50 years ago. My uncle talks about being hit at school by his non boarding state school teacher, doesn’t mean I won’t send to state now.

I've known people to thrive and people to hate it; it's hard to tell how it will pan out when kids are so young. But presuming the kids are being brought up in that environment, they'll hear from the mother and her side of the family how it worked for her, and there will be friends/cousins of similar ages also going to similar schools. My point being it likely won't seem strange to the kids.

Equally, by 8 or 11, the parents may choose a different route. Their roles may change - I'm guessing some kind of embassy work or international organisation; those roles can often be shifted to 3-year or longer postings once kids are involved. Kids may show personality or learning difficulties that won't work in a boarding environment, or on the flip side, they may show personalities that actually thrive on moving about and the family decide to continue with that til exam years.

Of course, you can feel sad, and it's fair enough to acknowledge it hasn't been your experience or, indeed, your choice, but I would urge you not to voice overt negativity or challenge their decisions. One, it could hamper your relationship with your DS and DDiL and two, for the sake of the grandchildren, they need to hear positivity about the choice if that's the way things will go.