Sad my grandchildren will go to boarding school

[MiMaMe]

I have 2 sons, eldest lives locally we see his children most weeks. Youngest lives in Paris currently, but they move somewhat often. He and his wife have a 2 year old and are expecting their second. We have come to visit them for a week.
In conversation it has come up that they plan to send their kids to boarding school as they move about every 2 years. His wife boarded from 8, weekly boarding until 11 then full boarding. She went to a prestigious international boarding school and said it was incredible. They plan to replicate this, perhaps waiting until 11 to board at all if they can.

I don’t know many people who liked boarding, we considered it but decided it was very cold. They already have a nanny who seems to see our grandchild a lot more than her parent do. AIBU to be sad about this?

When you have a 2yo, a 7yo seems huge and capable. They may change their mind when the time comes. DH moved around a lot as child and changed schools every few years and it badly affected his education. There is something to be said for the stability of school for a family who move a lot.

On the flip side. My DF was in the forces and we moved very 3 years. I went to 7 different schools and can say it didn’t do me any harm. I’m outgoing and can speak to anybody. I’m very good at making friends which has made me (so I’m told) an excellent mentor at work 😀

I don't like the idea of boarding school, though have met some people who seem happy and said they enjoyed it. I guess I can't understand UK parents sending their kids away to school a couple of hours away when they could do so at a day school near home. If they move countries frequently it might be the only feasible option. You can keep in close contact with them and they can see you on breaks etc so you will be able to still be supportive. It seems sad but if that's their lifestyle I can't see any way round it unless the child lives with someone else near to a non boarding school?

It's no longer the 1930s. Boarding schools now are fantastic places. Excellent academics, good food, plenty of extra curricular activities and their friends around them all the time.
I never understand why most Mumsnetters are so against them.

YANBU to feel sad about it (I really don’t like the idea of boarding schools myself, so I do understand your feelings). You would be unreasonable to try and do anything about it though.

Your son and DIL are the parents and it’s their decision to make.

I can understand why you feel sad, I always feel sad when I hear of children attending boarding school from such young ages. I simply can’t imagine trusting a school Enough or a school being able to provide the emotional care a young child needs. I can understand more boarding school for olde children, especially those with very specialist skills or Interests or who need the stability for some reason or other.

I‘m sure this will go down like a sack of shit, but I also find it odd for parents to be happy not seeing their tiny children for such extended periods of time. I can’t imagine not seeing my daughter all week for weeks at an end.

Its called making the best on non ideal situation. DD1 went to five Primary schools. By the age of 10, she wanted one secondary school. We did that by me settling down and DH continuing to move. DD2 would have been perfectly happy to board instead. Theres a reason that employers like the military and diplomatic service pay for boarding school.

Eta.. we were considering from 11. Not Primary school. We would have chosen one near family.

My best friend's husband boarded. She recently found him crying his eyes out (at the age of 53) about his experiences. He went to a highly regarded, 'prestigious' school. His mother died last year and she thinks that allowed him to let his feelings at last come to the surface.

I went at 7 and loved it. My siblings kids all chose to go.

It's not necessarily awful.

Because none of that makes up for knowing your parents pay to have you away from them.

Edit: in the experiences of people I know anyway.

I have a few friends who boarded because they were (in their words) Army brats. They are all quite positive about the stability of not having to switch schools and make new friends every couple of years when their parents were moved around. I'm not sure it's such a good idea for junior school though, I think that's too young.

I fully boarded from 11. I loved it!

I did have relatives near-ish so it was nice to be able to visit them at half terms and weekends because my parents were far too far away for even half terms.

I'm not sure it's a good idea before 11 though. And much as it would be stability, I think before 11, kids are also pretty good at adapting to moving, especially if they attend international expat schools where constant flux is the norm and people are always welcoming newcomers and saying goodbye to others. 2-3 year assignments are pretty standard so the schools are used to it.

Your GC is only two - a lot could change before then.

If their child is not fully fluent in English I would expect that they would want them to be and may choose an english speaking school. People from all over the world send their children to English school to speak proper English. Friends who have spoken two languages to their children from birth do find that they are bilingual by the time they are older, even if they have a favourite language then exposure to native english would be enough to get them fluent.

I have family members whose children were day pupils and asked to board. I've equally heard about people who hated it. The truth is that people and schools are different. I think you should keep an open mind.

YANBU. Presumably all those people saying they loved boarding were sporty, confident, outgoing kids. No doubt boarding school suits that personality well. I was shy, highly introverted, socially awkward and terrible at sport. I hated it, was desperately homesick . Also imagine being forced to live with your bullies and tormentors 24/7. It’s fucking child torture.

I've met so many people damaged by boarding school, largely but not exclusively men.

I use the term open prison as a comparison (apologies to anyone who has a prisoner in their family).

I know quite a few people who went to boarding school and the majority of them loved it. Might end up being an amazing experience but I guess it’s hard to get your head around if you haven’t had that lifestyle.

What an amazing opportunity for your grandchildren. You can be sad but don't hold them back- plus side is they'll have much longer holidays than they would going to a local state school and will be independent and happy to come and stay with you by themselves.

I've been looking around boarding schools recently and thought how lovely and homely they are. Children thrive with stability and routine and a boarding school will offer this when the parents can't.

You feel how you feel. You’d be unreasonable to show it though.

If they move every two years for work, it may the best option.

I liked boarding school, lots of older kids do - it can be really great for teens.

If their kids aren’t up for boarding (and some kids clearly aren’t) there are day international schools, and I’d imagine they’d go for that.

judging by the nanny comment you aren’t super keen on them, so keep an eye on not driving them away.

I don't know anyone who liked boarding schools. And I actually know a few people who were abused (sexually) by teachers when they went there. It still happens and because children are separated from their parents (and theyre large, private institutions mainly unregulated) it still happens fairly often.

I’m definitely none of those things and I liked it!

You do have to pick the right school though

I’m really sorry you had a shitty time

MN loves to hate boarding school.

I loved it and so did all my friends who went. Your grandchild will most likely have fun and make amazing friendships for life.

Of course you are not unreasonable to b concerned but even though we love our grandchildren deeply they are not our children. Speak to their parents about your concerns but remember our time to make the choices has passed. Xx

They’re not going to go for that, if they want their kids to have a boarding school with all the trimmings experience.

But if you have good boarding schools near you OP, you could suggest them on the grounds that you could be exeat granny