Sad my grandchildren will go to boarding school

[MiMaMe]

I have 2 sons, eldest lives locally we see his children most weeks. Youngest lives in Paris currently, but they move somewhat often. He and his wife have a 2 year old and are expecting their second. We have come to visit them for a week.
In conversation it has come up that they plan to send their kids to boarding school as they move about every 2 years. His wife boarded from 8, weekly boarding until 11 then full boarding. She went to a prestigious international boarding school and said it was incredible. They plan to replicate this, perhaps waiting until 11 to board at all if they can.

I don’t know many people who liked boarding, we considered it but decided it was very cold. They already have a nanny who seems to see our grandchild a lot more than her parent do. AIBU to be sad about this?

I don't understand why these people have children if they're going to just ship them off. Heartbreaking, poor kids

Odd question.

What experiences are these that can't be achieved through extracurricular activity and private day school?

It sounds to me that you just didn't like them living away from you. Your refer to your grandchild as "their child" . You appear not to like that their child is being brought up bilingual and you just want then to replicate what your other child and their family are doing (golden child maybe?)

Instead why not embrace that your son had the opportunity to live and work abroad and gets to experience working around the world (moving every 2 years). Your grandchild will experience this too until 11 maybe . What a great experience for them? At 11 they will have the chance to do something their own mother did and loved so every chance they may do too.

Sorry it doesn't fit what you did and what your other child is doing. But this is their life, "their child" as you yourself put it and their choice!

The chance to travel, live with other from different nationalities and in a bilingual setting, to do something their mother did and loved. Not everyone wants to be tied to one house in one street their whole life. You do you, they can do them.

Swiss boarding school vs UK secondary? Really?

I think you are just going to have to take a deep breath and try not to express your reservations about this. Your child will do the best for their own children and it’s not your business. People have very strong feelings about boarding and I don’t think it would be wise to express them unless it’s about your own children. Of course YANBU to feel sad but you would be unreasonable if you say anything. You may well be wrong, it might be the better outcome for your grandchild.

I knew quite a lot of people at university who had boarded and at that point they were mostly very positive about it. They're notably fucked up adults though, and none of the ones who have children (a large proportion don't seem to be able to form long-term relationships) have chosen to send their own children to boarding school.

I think this is the most naïve thing I will read today.

Yanbu. See if you can talk with son and see how he really feels about it . Separation from parents so young isn't a good move psychologically..

You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.

They are also entitled to raise their children as they see fit.

I know many forces children who said they preferred boarding to moving constantly. I know one person who boarded in U.K. as her parents lived and worked abroad and it does seem to have had an affect on her but it could just be personality!

I guess if the idea really doesn't sit right with you you can offer to have them live with you and attend an independent day school but other than that you have to accept their parents will do as they see fit.

Children thrive with stability and routine and a boarding school will offer this when the parents can't.

This sums it up but reads a lot like foster care for rich people. Just because you can pay for boarding school doesn't mean it's a good thing to do so. There are many excellent day schools but God forbid rich people interrupt their careers or lifestyle. OP is NBU to feel sad.

There’s something about this that makes me uncomfortable.
YANBU to have feelings about this plan or to think it’s not a choice you would make for your children.
However, YABU to think you have a say about this or to try and change their mind or sway their decision in any way.

These are not your children. The decisions about education belongs solely to the parents. I’d struggle to believe that any fellow poster would be ok with a MIL trying to be part of the decision making process of choosing the school for what suits their family/child/cultural needs.

Yes, some people may not have enjoyed boarding school. Some people loved their time there. If it doesn’t work out, then I’m sure your DS/DIL will reevaluate and problem solve. Having said that, this is a hypothetical plan for long in the future and is really none of your business.

7?!

I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Everybody I know who boarded had a wonderful time. I think I would have loved it too. It sounds like a very good choice for them considering their lifestyle.

As the children are 2 and not born I’d try not to worry about something so far ahead - the parents may easily change their minds by the time comes.

At a prestigious school, parents put their children's name forward for placement at birth.

A Swiss international boarding school would bother me because of the extreme wealth it is likely to attract. I mean you’re likely talking a good smattering of billionaires and offspring of potentates. Not necessarily the most healthy environment if you come from a relatively normal background. Personally if boarding is the only option (and I’m not a fan) a British school could be a better option.

I think it really depends on what the kids are like. My DH boarded occasionally from about 10 and then full time from 13 and he absolutely loved it. He talks so fondly about it it’s clear he had an amazing time and he’s obviously much better educated than most people. His cousin on the other hand loathed it, spent the whole time wanting to come home.

I don’t want my kids to be away from me so they won’t be boarding (DH wanted them to when they were theoretical children but has come round since they actually arrived). However, it can be great for some kids - 8 does seem very young for it though.

They do, but you don’t have to take up the place if you change your mind. My kids have been down for a couple of schools each since birth - they obviously won’t be attending all of them you just have to get them on the list to increase the chances of them getting a place.

Yes absolutely. I was just making the point to the pp about 'not having to worry about it so far ahead'.

Ive got quite a few friends who boarded (most from 11 or 13, one from 8) and a mother who boarded from 11.

No fucking way. My mum has boarding school syndrome despite being at school quite near home so going for exeats etc, she would also describe it as a positive experience. However when I asked at about age 10 if we'd be going, she just looked at me and just said "No you will not. I will never send any of you away, I want you here with me." Speaks volumes.

My friends who boarded (all in late nineties/early noughties) would also speak positively of the experience, the friendships etc but they are all slightly fucked up individuals with poor parental relationships. The one who went at 8 was really institutionalised about how he structured his day etc and his emotions were buried so deep I'm not sure he'll ever find those. Every single one was exposed to porn very young at school, they all engaged in drug taking and the ones at mixed boarding also all had underaged sex. I knew military kids who boarded and ones who stayed with their families but moved regularly, the latter are more healthy adults.

You'll get people on here saying its all changed and its less damaging now but honestly, yanbu. I think there's a minority of young people it suits for 15-18, on a weekly boarder type basis, for anything else? No way.

I understand boarding school when parents are moving around a lot, eg military, or for specialist schools particularly for disabilities or SEN.
friends of DH sends their DC to boarding school when one parent is semi retired and the other is a SAHP, (and live in an area with good state and private schools) which is personally something I don't really understand

I’d hardly call DDIL “fairly normal” her family are extremely wealthy, she herself went to one of the prestigious Swiss Boarding schools and from what I can tell … wasn’t out of place at all. We are definitely miles and miles off that world and find It hard to truly understand the scale of DDILs family wealth. Of all my concerns about boarding school not fitting in wouldn’t be one of them (I just maybe wouldn’t sent DS on the school run!)

I loved boarding. As did everyone I was at school with.

There’s always such a negative focus on it. Largely by people who haven’t done it.