Sad my grandchildren will go to boarding school

[MiMaMe]

I have 2 sons, eldest lives locally we see his children most weeks. Youngest lives in Paris currently, but they move somewhat often. He and his wife have a 2 year old and are expecting their second. We have come to visit them for a week.
In conversation it has come up that they plan to send their kids to boarding school as they move about every 2 years. His wife boarded from 8, weekly boarding until 11 then full boarding. She went to a prestigious international boarding school and said it was incredible. They plan to replicate this, perhaps waiting until 11 to board at all if they can.

I don’t know many people who liked boarding, we considered it but decided it was very cold. They already have a nanny who seems to see our grandchild a lot more than her parent do. AIBU to be sad about this?

I can imagine it being fine for teenagers but I think 13 is young enough to start. I do have a friend who went to boarding school, we were talking about it last week. They have chosen local schools for their children. I asked if they'd considered it for theirs as they have spoken very positively about their experiences and their reply was it was different for their children as they have a happy home. It made me feel sad for them if their home life was that bad. I know their parents and can imagine it was.

I think boarding from 1 yo is a trifle extreme.

I think there is a lot of misunderstanding about what boarding schools are like nowadays. I know one very well and children are very happy and have a great time there, I would only really recommend it from secondary age, probably even not before age 13/14 but it really depends on the family and the school, I guess they will differ a lot but believe me, I know many children who ask their parents to board as they get to hang out with their mates and more access to school sports facilities and lits of fun activities as well as supervised homework time and a routine. If the parents think it's best for their children you could try to learn more about it and support where you can. I thought UWC Atlantic College and other UWCs are only for age 16-18 but I'm sure there sre plenty other prestigious international schools with a happy boarding community.

I also have some friends in another country who can't wait for their children to be old enough for boarding. As much as they love their children, they just don't like kids in general and find parenting really hard and almost feel that having kids has ruined their lives. Of course who knows if they will feel the same when that time comes but it just comes to show that all families are different and not all parents enjoy being parents, people have children for many reasons and have different experiences of it and some children are better off at a boarding school that can give them more stability than their parents. I'm not making any assumptions on your family, just saying! I hope you all feel happy with whatever happens and ultimately that the children get the best outcome.

Where I am, and this is secondary school age, lots of children actively want to board for a few nights each week.

I went to boarding school.
I'm sure it's v different now to how it was in the 1990s.
However, the issue I have with boarding schools is that the people who send their kids are usually loaded and live in a completely different world to the rest of us. It's not reality. They are the 0.5% of our population, and they are therefore completely unrepresentative of the real world
I hated school because the kids I was mixing with were mostly from London or overseas and from families who were happy to dump their kids for weeks at a time.
I also personally disagree with the notion of outsourcing your children's upbringing.
I also fear that bullying still takes place and to not see my children daily and be close to any issues that are invariably likely to emerge scares the hell out of me. Bullies are everywhere, and I suspect they operate no differently to when I was at school. It was awful then and we are not talking about the 1950s.

I always wonder why people have children if they pack them off to boarding school. I am a teacher who has friends who work in boarding schools- they tell me the main problem they face in terms of behavioural issues is due to wanting attention from their parents. A feeling of neglect. I personally would tell them how you feel

I always wonder why people have children if they pack them off to boarding school. I am a teacher who has friends who work in boarding schools- they tell me the main problem they face in terms of behavioural issues is due to wanting attention from their parents. A feeling of neglect.

Perhaps this is why my boarding school didn't have these issues, it was pure practicality in a farming community where the nearest town/school might be an hour or two's drive away.

I personally would tell them how you feel

I think that would be a very good way to alienate the DIL.

So what you think is the mother (because let’s face it, fathers aren’t expected to) should sacrifice her career and ‘settle’ for the children, rather than both parents having wonderful successful careers, both of which necessitate regular relocation, and the children can have a base in a school in which they’ll thrive?

Wow, your friends sounds like terrible parents who should never have had kids. What were their "other" reasons to create children, if they don't actually like children or want to raise them??

It's a bit like the care system I suppose - it's sad but kids are better off away from a family that is very dysfunctional.

However in care no one expects you to think or say it's a privilege that your parents didn't really want you around, or couldnt prioritise your needs over their desires.

Let's face it, any couple with such highflying jobs is in a better position than anyone to choose to do something else for a living and raise their own kids, but instead they insist the kids are better off having these "great opportunities" without them. Bit gaslighty really.

From what I gather, this expectation/pressure for some kids to say they are grateful to be sent away to boarding school, when they're actually unhappy and would love to have a family life instead, adds a different layer of trauma to unpack. I mean, what kid is going to be brave enough to tell their parents that they hate this "privilege" they've had proudly bestowed on them at a sky high price, and that they would rather slum it at a local school with the "plebs"?

On the flip side, if your kid is genuinely happier at boarding school, I wonder if it must sting to know they'd rather be away from you the majority of the time? Do you ever wonder what went wrong?

Or, here's an idea - don't have kids if you think raising them as a family is beneath you.

We will have to agree to disagree, the children come first not the mothers feelings

Oh for fuck‘s sake! 😂

Offering kids a chance to go to a prestigious boarding school to prevent them having to move constantly = seeing child rearing as beneath you…?

We will have to agree to disagree, the children come first not the mothers feelings

It will wind up being the OPs feelings if the DIL gets the hump with her and she gets to see less of her grandchildren.

Yes, that's precisely how your post came across.

Having kids is not mandatory and they are not accessories you can keep at arms length and drag out at Christmas to show the world how well rounded you are. They are people and they need a family.

Hahaha! Yeah, sure billionaire swiss daughter in law is gonna be well up for her child being home educated in Kent by her Nan. Do you have any other top tips? If so, you should consider sending them in to Take-a-Break. Extra tenner if you include a photo 😂

It’s natural you’d feel sad about this. There is nothing better than growing up in a safe and loving family home so I, too, would be sad to think of one the children in our family not having this experience.

I’m finding the responses along the lines of ‘if you don’t like it, you offer to take over their housing and education’ absolutely bizarre. A grandmother can be concerned about their grandchild’s life without having to step in and completely take over. The more obvious solution would be for the parents to settle somewhere where their children can have an uninterrupted education and home life. I assume most people have children because they actually want to live with them. It sounds like money isn’t an issue so they could take their pick of locations and enjoy travelling together during all the school breaks.

I fully agree with you OP and would be disgusted if my son had shacked up with a woman like that. You sound like you have lovely family values - she clearly does not and he is happy to tag along with it.
Plenty of ways of immersing a child in cultures, languages etc without shipping them off to live thousands of miles from you.

I adored boarding school. My family also moved regularly because of work and I am very grateful for the continuity of education. Otherwise I would have moved in both my GCSE and A Level years. Our schools were within an hour's radius of my grandmother and we spent exeat weekends and some half terms with her. Could you be that contact for your GCs?

notwithstanding that a grandparent does not have parental responsibility for a child (except in rare circumstances) and not sure how that would pan out with the school without it raising the alarm.
Why on Earth have this couple had children? clearly as an accessory. I feel desperately sorry for them.
As for 'they move around a lot' - well, try NOT moving around a lot. Get a different job. They sounds senior enough that this would not be an issue. I would rather make some sacrifices and keep my kids with me.

I am loving all this self righteous ‘social services for the rich’ stuff and ‘I can’t bear to be away from my children’. Hope none of you are part of the ‘too knackered to spend any quality time with my kids when I get home from work’ brigade. Or one of those many many posters that roundly told me off when I agreed with another poster that her kids shouldn’t just get home from a trip to the cinema and sit in front of the tv, but should actually engage. Or regular posters on the ‘when is it time for holidays to end?!’ Threads.

Our DC have 2 months off over summer as well as a month for Christmas and the same for Easter when they are at home. Then 2 weeks every half term. So that’s over 5 months at home full time. And we value that time. And whilst at school they can do all the sports, drama and work they need to with no long commutes or early starts.

I would love to be able to offer my children this kind of education.

@IgglePiggledidawiggle most parents aren't perfect and they do get tired and fed up because child rearing is hard but most want to see their kids every day and to be able to give them a good night hug every night, because that's what's best for their children.

See this whole "5 months of the year seeing family is enough" attitude is just a whole different approach to parenting. Like a Disney Dad attitude. Kids need a parent when they need them - not just at scheduled times of the year.

Disgusted if your son 'shacked up' with an educated career woman who doesn't want to give it up to be a trailing spouse. Did you miss that the man here is also moving all the time? But let's blame the wife. She should be the one to give up her ambitions and dreams and dismissed as not having lovely family values. What about the son here? Where are his family values? Why do you assume he is just tagging along, rather than having seen the enormous advantage in life that this type of education can offer?

The mind boggles.