People settling down later - why?

[Hildyloo]

I’m in my early 60s, I have 3 children who are 33, 35 and 37. I was married at 23, perhaps the younger half of my friends but most weren’t far behind. By 30 almost all were married, most had kids and those who weren’t were most likely at least in a long term relationship.

Of my 3 children, my eldest (DS) married at 29, 2 kids now who are 3 and 12 months. Middle (DD) married at 32, is expecting her first. My youngest is 33, not married, but been in the same relationship since she was 31, he has told us he plans to propose this year, then be maybe 3 or so years before marriage - so possibly 36/37.
They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.
We have 3 weddings this year, mainly friends children. The couples are all 32-38, one already has children the others don’t.
I feel this is increasingly the norm - but why??
Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally? DS2 and his girlfriend (30) have just moved in together, his first time living with a partner.
They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.
I also feel like this is more common amongst our friends who live in London or have children living in London (or other big cities) compared to those who have stayed rural or in towns - why is that?

AIBU to wonder why the change and to think it’s a bit odd?

Because they can? It’s socially acceptable now and it wasn’t before. People want to live their lives, not be tied down and end up with kids to look after.

I think people stay younger longer, more youngsters go to university now so they probably don’t start working until about 22. I am 55 and have noticed with my DC they are doing many things 5 to 8 years later than I did. Now many parents encourage travel and gap years so this delays things.
Even potty training is later than it used to be.

A generation that believes they can have everything they want, oblivious to biology.

Not everybody is on 6 figure salary.

Buying the house,fertility problems,health problems. Had my kids at 35 and 37. Before that I saved up for childcare £££’s as no relatives to help regularly.

Went part time after having kids, youngest is disabled.

Times have changed, hardly anybody can support the family on one income.

People can’t get on property ladder and are paying through the nose for rent and nursery fees.

For those on lower incomes it’s not so easy.

How many people used to get married in their early 20’s, because that was what society expected, but went on to have the most miserable of marriages? The ones of that time when society looked down on divorcees (especially women), so they just lived with it? Times have changed.

Are you actually interested?

Because if you are it’s a fascinating topic. If you just want to be all judgey, then no.

I'm not going to just settle for a guy who isn't going to be an equal. Why would I deliberately invite that stress into my life l...makes no sense.

And so what is people are out parrying I still go to lots of music events becuase i love music and dancing although I don't drink ...I enjoy it. Being a certain age doesn't mean you have to stop doing certain things. Cutback maybe if u have other responsibilities but I'll never stop going until I physically can't!

To be honest after living on my own for so long bringing a guy into my life and home is going to have to worth it, has to add something special to my life. I am perfectly okay otherwise.

My mum is 61 and I'm in my mid 20s all her friends had kids in their mid 30s the same as my mum so I don't think it's quite so generational. I just think it happens more now

No I’m genuinely interested - my children are all happy which is my priority it’s just interesting to me that this change has happened.

PLEASE not another older mum/younger mum war. None of us are going to feel good about ourselves.

It's the same old bullshit every time.

"You settled down too young at 23, you're boring and haven't lived. My life is so much better because I got to party and did everything right by waiting til 35/40".

"You're old, I wouldn't want to have a baby at 40. I had easy pregnancies and births, no fertility issues. Glad I had my life sorted at 32".

Because there's more to life than settling down and getting married at 20 - the world is so much more open and available to everyone than it was 30-40 years ago - people are taking advantage of that and living life differently to how it used to be done.

If you look at it, getting married at 10 and having babies was normal yonks ago - they'd have considered you an old maid getting married in your early 20s 😂

Times change 🤷🏻‍♀️

Assuming by biology you mean kids, I think also more people are more open about the fact that they don’t want kids at all, which wasn’t as socially accepted years ago.

People would settle down young and just have kids because that’s what people did, now people have more options.

For example even in the 70s my mum wouldn’t have been able to get a mortgage on her own, so getting married gave her that stability- women don’t need that now.

We can all think of reasons why people wait, or don't. It's not that interesting and always ends up with people puffing their chests out to prove how happy they are with their choices. And as someone who had dc younger, it's not going to end well for you, op.

See above comment.

This is less about children specifically and more about settling down later.
I know lots my age who married in their 20s but had kids in their 30s so it’s not about that.
It is more the active choice to not settle until 30s if you see what I mean?

Just realised the first bit sounds judgey 🤦🏻‍♀️ not meant that way! Meant more in the way that there's more to life now because there's more available (e.g being able to go to university, travel and study abroad, different career paths etc) than there was 40 years ago!

With the number of 40 somethings I know who were all settled by early to mid 20s now getting divorced, maybe it's more sensible that people are waiting longer to be absolutely sure. It's also absolutely a thing that there are a huge number of dickheads out there, and young women are finally wising up that they don't need to settle for one, they can stay single for longer.

I'm not much younger than you, OP, and people were already settling down later. Your circumstances sound more like my parents' generation.

It's pretty unusual to be on a six figure salary and even more so for all your kids to be so. But once people didn't need to settle down for financial security, they left it later. Why wouldn't you?

Yeah this. ^ They are so tedious now. I refrained from posting on the 'I feel shit about being a mum of a 10 year old - at 50 years old' thread, because it seemed like it was designed to either attack older mums, or to engineer attacks on younger ones. And it worked. Multiple attacks on older mums and also younger mums. Sick of it I am now.

Because women are refusing to settle. Because they are realising the importance of careers. Because they want to be sure before saddling themselves to the wrong man. Because they have heard horror stories of women who have gone before them. Because they don’t view singledom as the end of the world. Because there are other options out there.

I applaud the young women I know who won’t compromise.

Equally, not everyone wants to focus their lives around having kids at all -‘ having your life sorted’ can mean totally different things to different people and these days it’s much more socially acceptable to not go down that route just because it’s what’s expected.

Dd is 27 and " not settled". I'm very glad she isn't. She has a great job, owns a house and is having a blast.
I'm 65 and didn't "settle" till 33. Wish I hadn't!!!

My attractive ex model children who all earn 6 figure salaries. Jeez

And women have more freedom to do that - it was only 1975 when the law was introduced that women (technically) could get their own mortgage, madness.

1. less familial support
2. house prices mean if people are lucky enough to buy it’s much later in life
3. Cost of childcare (especially without familial support)
4. pressure to have a career/ become financially independent before risking marriage and kids (especially for women who typically- but not always- end up worse off in a divorce)
5. being the generation that witnessed their parents getting divorced and experienced the fallout
6. even the cost of weddings if you’re someone who wants a big wedding. Again much less familial support with costs etc.
7. less likely to settle down two streets over from where you grew up/ parents retiring to Spain or somewhere because they can, and losing their support network as a result.

I could go on. Times have changed. Where’s the incentive to saddle yourself with a spouse you’re likely to outgrow, and have kids you can’t support.

Because people no longer have to.

People 'settle down' (form permanent/long-term relationships) earlier in some countries. I have a Chinese friend who talks a lot about how in China there's a big push for women to marry and reproduce young and they talk of "leftover women" and treat women unmarried at 27 as essentially such. She says lots of women marry quickly a guy they start dating in their early-mid 20s and also that she doesn't know many marriages she would characterise as happy, as a second-hand judgement.

In the West, we no longer have such an attitude.