People settling down later - why?

[Hildyloo]

I’m in my early 60s, I have 3 children who are 33, 35 and 37. I was married at 23, perhaps the younger half of my friends but most weren’t far behind. By 30 almost all were married, most had kids and those who weren’t were most likely at least in a long term relationship.

Of my 3 children, my eldest (DS) married at 29, 2 kids now who are 3 and 12 months. Middle (DD) married at 32, is expecting her first. My youngest is 33, not married, but been in the same relationship since she was 31, he has told us he plans to propose this year, then be maybe 3 or so years before marriage - so possibly 36/37.
They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.
We have 3 weddings this year, mainly friends children. The couples are all 32-38, one already has children the others don’t.
I feel this is increasingly the norm - but why??
Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally? DS2 and his girlfriend (30) have just moved in together, his first time living with a partner.
They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.
I also feel like this is more common amongst our friends who live in London or have children living in London (or other big cities) compared to those who have stayed rural or in towns - why is that?

AIBU to wonder why the change and to think it’s a bit odd?

Because women aren’t obliged to settle with their first serious relationship, because women want to establish their careers, because women want to enjoy themselves before being tied down by kids and family duty, because women have their own money now and can Do what the hell they want with it, because it’s so expensive to “settle down”, because they can.

can you honestly not think of any reasons? I’m only a few short years behind you in age and yet it’s blindingly obvious to me that there’s hundreds of reasons.

And yes to all of this.

So I’m interested OP in where you met your husband and whether you lived independently before getting married ?

'Settling down' is a bit of an outdated concept...

There are many different ways to have a fulfilling and happy life these days thankfully and people should not feel pressured to get married or have children.

Because they have more options (or in some cases, believe that they do) with the advent of the Internet and prolonged social, if not biological youth.

They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.

This was my favourite part of the stealth boast 🤣

People settling down later - why?

Why not? People are going to university, going travelling, getting on the career ladder before considering marriage and kids.

Marriage and kids in your 20’s isn’t the be all and end all of life. People need to start realising that.

I wouldn't have been happy marrying the partner I had at 23. We split up a few years later. DH did marry at 24 and was divorced by 29. We're happy we met a bit later in life. But that's not really the point. It can't have escaped your notice that society has changed somewhat in the last 40 years?

Almost everyone I know who got married in their 20s was getting divorced by their late 30s. So much “growing up” takes place in the late 20s and early 30s, and people end up being married to a “different person” effectively.

Why does 'settling down' have to equal being married? Your youngest is settled in his relationship just not married yet.

People can be happy in life without having to have a partner. There is so much more to life than marriage and kids.

Women are wanting a career and focusing on that can mean putting serious relationships on the back burner for longer.
Sex outside of marriage and living in sin is more acceptable.
Rising costs means you need to be further along in your career before kids so there's no rush to get married and pregnant
Lots of people don't get married unless considering children so see above.

And I think there's generally less of a feeling that you settle down with the first nice person who comes along.
I had a bf at 17, would have happily married him but he went off to Uni and it put pressure on us.

I got engaged to the next one but we were both at different Unis, he cheated, I didn't have to put up with it so dumped him.
I'm glad I didn't marry the next one lol but again, despite having sex with him, when he showed himself to be a dick, I didn't feel like I had to stay

I met DH at 29, married him at 31, had our first at 33. Three other ose friends married within 18 months of me and had their first within two years of marriage so I think stuff tends to move faster when you're 30+

Childhood being extended well into adolescence. School being used to keep 14+ people out of the workplace, therefore out of adult earning and decision-making. Many people are still 'children' at 25, dependent, at least partially, on their parents to support them financially while they study, train or find themselves. Reduction in shame for women in having sexual partners before marriage (though it really hasn't disappeared as completely as it should - see 'body count' threads recently). People generally are living longer, so there's no hurry.

Choice? Aren’t divorce rates dropping? I’ve always thought it was now because people who get married do it because they want to not because they are expected to. I say this as someone who got married mid 20s.

They want to enjoy all the opportunities that youth offers.
They want to save forever in the vain hope they'll be homeowners
They want to go university.
They want to establish a career
There's more focus on a circle of friends than finding a life partner
They've seen generations of people who settled young and regretted it
They don't see 'settling down' as their only life ambition

Absolutely this. Plus women used to settle for more or less the first man who came along because there weren’t any other socially acceptable options: no sex before marriage, moving in with a boyfriend was almost unthinkable. Forget casual sex just for your own pleasure, you slut. Society didn’t allow you to explore anything other than settling down.

They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.

Let me ask you a question OP. Why is settling down so much better than drinking and partying?

I suppose I've settled down in that I have a long-term partner and a house, but I have no desire to have kids and every intention of drinking and partying for the foreseeable future. Because drinking, dancing and partying are fun. Settling down is not really.

There’s a lot more to life than settling down. Especially in bigger cities- there’s always something fun going on. Everyone knows once kids enter the picture they are priority so people live a little before that. Also it takes time for a person to grow and know themselves truly so that they figure out what they want/like from life and a partner.

My reasons

1. I spent most of my teens and early twenties unwell and with my life restricted so I wanted to experience independence and freedom
2. I wanted a man who was career focused and respected mine too rather than one who couldn’t wait to settle down and have babies.
3. I wanted to have a property and a job where I would cope well on my own without my partner if needed.
4. I wanted to get high enough in my career that my progression wouldn’t be hampered by having children.
5. I wanted to be in a relationship for at least 5 years before marriage to know it was the right decision and test how our relationship fared against life’s challenges.

Now 36, married and pregnant.

I swear only on Mumsnet someone would have three adult children who all earn six figure salaries LOL. Pull the other one.

😂😂😂 This

For me, I would’ve hated to be married with children in my 20s. I wouldn’t have given up my life in my 20s for anything. I built a career I love, traveled and took time finding the perfect partner.

Because everyone lives their lives in the limelight of social media and judges others and strive for unobtainable perfection.

I hope my kids don’t think about marriage and kids till they are in their 30s. I want them to learn who they are, explore careers, become financially independent of a partner and just not have the responsibility of children until later in life. Obviously it is up to them, but hopefully they won’t ‘settle’ too soon. They are young adults now and marrying and kids is currently far off their radar thank goodness.

As soon as I started reading, I knew the MNSFS would come up. I think it needs its own acronym by now.

My mum is 65 and it was fairly common among her friends to have children when she did (age 32).

The world is much more open nowadays and there's more available to young people. My mum didn't marry or have kids until past 30, she just worked, socialised with her friends and dated a bit until she met my dad. But it was still fulfilling enough for her to not want to settle down in her early to mid 20s. If she felt that way when things like university was a middle class thing and holidays, long term travel, working abroad etc weren’t that common, can you be surprised that young people these days with a thousand times more options also don't want to settle down young either?

In my parents day, getting married was the only way you could really leave home if you were working class as you would be without the option of university or a highly paid professional job.