People settling down later - why?

[Hildyloo]

I’m in my early 60s, I have 3 children who are 33, 35 and 37. I was married at 23, perhaps the younger half of my friends but most weren’t far behind. By 30 almost all were married, most had kids and those who weren’t were most likely at least in a long term relationship.

Of my 3 children, my eldest (DS) married at 29, 2 kids now who are 3 and 12 months. Middle (DD) married at 32, is expecting her first. My youngest is 33, not married, but been in the same relationship since she was 31, he has told us he plans to propose this year, then be maybe 3 or so years before marriage - so possibly 36/37.
They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.
We have 3 weddings this year, mainly friends children. The couples are all 32-38, one already has children the others don’t.
I feel this is increasingly the norm - but why??
Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally? DS2 and his girlfriend (30) have just moved in together, his first time living with a partner.
They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.
I also feel like this is more common amongst our friends who live in London or have children living in London (or other big cities) compared to those who have stayed rural or in towns - why is that?

AIBU to wonder why the change and to think it’s a bit odd?

@retinolalcohol@CaramelMac

I think societal norms had changed by the 1990’s, tbh. I’m nearly 50 and I don’t know anyone in their 50’s who settled down in their early 20’s and became financially dependent. It would’ve been viewed as a strange choice to make.
We had reliable contraception back then as well. 😉

Apart from the obvious financial reasons (extortionate housing and wedding costs), I think there is a general attitude that you will be missing out if you settle down too soon. I had my first child at 29 and definitely felt that a few of my high flying friends thought I was making a very brave (or maybe stupid!?) choice. They were all still partying and travelling a lot while working crazy hours to establish careers.

Once you have children, you mostly give those things up. Once your children are grown up you don’t usually have the same interests and if you do, you don’t fit in at nightclubs like you did in your twenties and early thirties.

@BruFord yes I was just speculating about my parents gen because they're both 60+ - dad closer to 70. Although my mum was considered a very very old mother when I was born so she did stick it to the norms there my auntie on the other hand married young, had kids young, didn't work for years etc.

Norms just trickle out over time don't they. In the 60's loads did it, 80's less people, by the 90's it was uncommon, and now it's just rarely done ever. As a PP has said, why would we?

It's prolonged adolescence. Uni, house shares, dating without purpose, girl/boyfriends, gigs, festivals, travelling, bands, art, career changes

I don't think it's a bad thing.

From what I've observed when people have lived more before settling they tend to choose someone more compatible, know themselves more and be better equipped to make it woke, and generally be more satisfied

Most of my friends in their early thirties just don’t want children so why woudl they need to rush to settle

*That’s great! YOU are the EXCEPTION. Most girls who give birth in their teens and early 20’s end up struggling in life; they end up scraping by with wage work, and are usually solo parenting (which carry’s a penalty in itself).

I’m really happy that you beat those odds and aren’t just another statistic.

When I say that one would have to be a moron to do that today, I really mean it. Everything is against you when in that situation. Everything.*

Two points:

1. Although your more likely to struggle, to say that pp doing well makes her the 'exception' is moronic (for want of a better word) and also untrue. This isn't the 1930s where you're whisked away to a psychiatric unit and your baby is adopted. There is a lot of support for young women (and men) to continue education and work. General attitudes have changed in the vast majority of households, so you won't be outcast from your family for having a child out of wedlock. Although I wouldn't suggest it, to say that there aren't benefits is untrue and shows you don't have a clue.

1. Just another statistic is so patronising. Framed over the veil of 'I just want to hellpppp'.

1. You have NO idea how a young woman or teenage girl ended up pregnant. To look at a girl (child) of 13-17 and call her a moron is quite disgusting. You don't know if she was raped or coerced. You don't know if she had access to abortion services either through ignorance or due to cultural pressure/ familial abuse. A file under 16 cannot even consent to sex and you think it's appropriate to call them morons? And you think a young woman who lives her life differently to you is also a moron? Again, you clearly don't know anyone in this position to think that this is an appropriate stance.

I took it to mean that whilst things have changed massively socially, biology doesn’t change, and it’s still a biological fact that early 20s is the best time to have children, rather than mid to late 30s. This might not fit in with current lifestyles, but the biology doesn’t change

When we all died at 40, getting married at 17/18 was sensible. 20 or so years of marriage only
Now we are living into our 70s and 80s, we've realised that 40/50 odd years with the same person is purgatory!

I think as a whole societies views have changed. I had my children in my 20’s, I’m in my 40’s now. I wouldn’t expect my dcs to ’settle down’ until their 30’s though. Obviously I think this shift has contributed to the increase in fertility issues.

My DM is early 70s and married at 23. All her cousins married around the same age except for one who never married, but had a partner later on. My parents are also a similar age to my friends' parents so I think marrying in your 20s was pretty common for the boomer generation.

Of my own friends, those who married and had children did so early 30.

I got married at 26 and quickly realised the error of my ways.

Married again at 36 and he left me this year through no fault of my own.

Chose at a young age not to have children and have never faltered on that.

So it's not one size fits all.

As a women who would no doubt be left with any DC in the event of a break up, I wanted to be as absolutely sure as I could be that my partner was the one. I also didn't want a failed engagement.
So didn't get engaged until after many years together when we were ready to set a date for marriage, and didn't want DC until I was married.

People disagree but so many experiences have a shelf life. Travelling without fear, going out and not feeling dead for five days after, being beautiful in that young, fresh faced, naive sort of way, getting a cheap interrail ticket....
I used to work with a truly beautiful couple in their very early twenties, I mean they were both tens. They had been together since early teens. They bought a house at 22, the mortgage for which meant they would have a lot of financial pressure and neither had much scope to be promoted. Both worked in a small local business.
I just didn't understand why they did it rather than going out, sleeping with lots of equally beautiful people, going to full moon party's, travelling.
They secretly both told me they were bored, bored of their relationship, bored of paying bills. I just don't understand why they chose to do it.
You have your whole life to sit in, eat take away, watch iplayer. You only have ten years to be truly young and beautiful. I wasted mine being fat and in a controlling relationship. I do not want my children to make the same mistake.

If they didn't go travelling and partying as a childfree couple, that has nothing to do with settling down early. They both chose to be together so can't have hated it that much.

Why do attractive, rich & successful twenty-somethings living in London prefer child-free partying to 'settling down'? I agree OP, it doesn't make any sense

I think men are less willing to settle down because it's harder to find a subservient obedient woman who will let him be the boss and not mind that all the benefits of the relationship are flowing in his direction.
Women have less incentive to settle down with a man now that they can be successful in their own right.

I think for some people, having a lot of options makes it harder to choose. If you grew up at a time when everyone married someone they lived near or worked with or a family friend...well, that's a limited pool which makes choosing easier. OTOH if you have an effectively limitless number of possible partners through OLD, it's a lot harder to decide- a bit like the experience of it being much harder to find something you want to watch now you have 500 TV channels than you did when you only had 5. And the format of OLD makes it feel more like a consumer choice- what if you go for X and next day Y appears and is even better?

I also blame consumerism generally and the increasing tendency of the world to present meaning as something you pay for, whether that's acquiring possessions or (paid) experiences. And the way that society has become increasingly atomised by valuing of individualism over mutual support and reliance. Why would young people want to commit to one another or to a child when the whole world is telling them that a good life is one without ties?

What is ‘meaningful’ though? Because what one person finds value in will be utterly worthless to another.

For some, a life without ties IS the definition of a good life. That it wouldn’t be for others doesn’t negate that.

Individualist society are often judged negatively in comparison to the collectivist one, which ignores the fact that the latter is very far from the dream it’s presented to be. Having your own life prescribed to you, based on societal notion of what you ‘should’ do, what you ‘should’ find meaning in? No thanks.

Does having a choice guarantee a wonderful life, free to regret? No, but then I don’t think having a choice has ever promised that. The point is that, for better or worse, having a choice does allow you to express your own agency.

Individualist society are often judged negatively in comparison to the collectivist one, which ignores the fact that the latter is very far from the dream it’s presented to be. Having your own life prescribed to you, based on societal notion of what you ‘should’ do, what you ‘should’ find meaning in? No thanks.

Sure. I'm not saying these things are bad necessarily, or all bad, only that they contribute to people settling down later.

Because in times gone by, you married the person you were with at the societally appropriate aged for marriage. Worked out well for some people, not for others. The ability to know you have choices beyond John who lives 3 streets away, the knowledge of red flags or what abusive behaviour is, the thought that actually due to the advancements in travel and technology you don't have to settle for someone whose a bit of a dick... women are aware they have choices now, and it's bloody wonderful.

What has changed is the ambition of women.

Back in ‘the day’ all women had to aspire to was marriage, housework and kids.

Now they look to go to university, have a career, travel the world….it’s a good thing!

This. I’m nearly 35 and my mum didn’t have me til she was 40 so it’s not just this generation. So what if some people don’t want to settle? There’s more than one way to live life. Out of the people I know (in London) a couple would like a partner and kids but haven’t met anyone. The rest are childfree by choice and the ones who can afford to live alone do, with no plans to move in with partners if they have them. There’s no guarantee you’ll meet someone you can envisage spending your life with in your 20s - I certainly didn’t! I’m very glad I’m not still with anyone I dated at that age. Better to look after your own financial independence and build the life you want alone, then any relationship that comes along is an added bonus rather than a financial necessity.

When I'm in my early 60s my kids will be mid-20s. I had mine in my 30s.

I didn't feel ready until then. Too busy enjoying myself.

Because young middle class men have to spend their lives going on their holidays until they’re 38. They make it sound virtuous by calling it ‘travelling’.

@Fulshaw It’s not such a recent change though. Both my Mum and my MIL went to university in the 1950’s/early 1960’s and had plenty of friends who did. My Grandma did an apprenticeship and had a successful career with a large company. Apparently, my great-grandfather was supportive of his daughter having a career.

Some posters talk about 30-40 years ago as if most people as late as the 1980’s and 1990’s got married at 22 and became housewives! No, we didn’t, it would have been viewed as strange to make that choice. I think the OP in her 60’s is quite unusual, tbh.