People settling down later - why?

[Hildyloo]

I’m in my early 60s, I have 3 children who are 33, 35 and 37. I was married at 23, perhaps the younger half of my friends but most weren’t far behind. By 30 almost all were married, most had kids and those who weren’t were most likely at least in a long term relationship.

Of my 3 children, my eldest (DS) married at 29, 2 kids now who are 3 and 12 months. Middle (DD) married at 32, is expecting her first. My youngest is 33, not married, but been in the same relationship since she was 31, he has told us he plans to propose this year, then be maybe 3 or so years before marriage - so possibly 36/37.
They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.
We have 3 weddings this year, mainly friends children. The couples are all 32-38, one already has children the others don’t.
I feel this is increasingly the norm - but why??
Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally? DS2 and his girlfriend (30) have just moved in together, his first time living with a partner.
They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.
I also feel like this is more common amongst our friends who live in London or have children living in London (or other big cities) compared to those who have stayed rural or in towns - why is that?

AIBU to wonder why the change and to think it’s a bit odd?

I think you need a hobby - or 2.

It's not normal to be so enmeshed with your adult children.

Everyone lives their life however they want, even if it's radically different from how yours was.

Kahlil Gibran1883 –
1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

OP are you aware there is a cost of living crisis?

Yes, I earn a seven-figure salary with my successful modelling career, and my fiancé earns an eight-figure salary selling luxury yachts and models on the side, but we still can’t afford a Zone 1 house large enough to accommodate our massive heads while still having room for an Olympic-sized heated swimming pool.

Who is “everyone”?

My mum does! But she isn't on mumsnet and probably doesn't realize how high an earner I am, although she expects it of her sons!

However, none of us are ex-models or in relationships with ex-models. But 2 of us didn't marry until our 30s and the third still isn't in his late 40s although he has been with his partner for 25 years. Guess he isn't settled yet! 🤣

Exactly this. I’m a few years younger too and I don’t recognise the settling down at 23 thing OP.

Among my peer group we didn’t settle down until our 30s and we weren’t unusual at all. What you’re talking about is more like my parents’ generation.

I'm curious to know if you went to uni OP as certainly those of us who went to uni wanted to put our education to good use, earn good money, be financially independent, buy a flat and own assets in our own right. So at 23 I was just getting started in the workplace and wouldn’t have dreamed of settling down as you put it.

I’m 33 and haven’t found my person yet that’s why. When I find him I’ll settle down and have kids. Not everyone wants to settle down at 20 and have kids. Some of us want to travel the world and do things we can’t with a family.

I’m 47 and I don’t see a change

most of my peers didn’t start marrying and having children till mid 30s

extended adolescence was not a factor

we put in a lot of hours to pay bills but we fitted in a lot of clubbing etc too.

that does seem to be less of a thing with people in 20s and 30s now - clubbing I mean, not long hours which I think most people are stuck with till about 40.

not seeing a problem in anyone getting into a couple or parenthood later. My parents had us late to be in a better position financially.

🤣I picked up on this. ^

I think people are just living longer, take better care of themselves, so people are waiting what 5-10 years longer. I think people have more earning potential, definitely women and I think people are more ambitious? People want money? They want a house before they have children, money behind them, careers established.

This is just an opinion, not looking for a debate or argument! It’s just what I think.

@PortiaWithNoBreaks ”Among my peer group we didn’t settle down until our 30s and we weren’t unusual at all. What you’re talking about is more like my parents’ generation.”

this. My mum is 85.

Maybe because people don't want to be tied down so soon?! It's really not a new thing op! The pill was invented in the 60's you know!

I’d be very unhappy if I’d settled down with the man I was with in my early 20s. Instead, I met future DH when I was 26, moved in together at 30, married at 32, first kid at 34.

My mum was 38 when she had me, so I actually feel quite young!

Because we want to have fun, find out who we are without being defined by a relationship, travel, be selfish?? The thought of me getting married at 23 brings me out in a cold sweat - I hadn’t a clue who I was at 23. Absolutely not ready to settle down I know that much.

I had no interest in setting down at all in my 20's. I wanted to focus on my career, travelling, partying and sex without any strings attached.

People are just different.

I have done the settling down bit, marriage, kids, now heading towards 50 and in that time I never stopped drinking and partying. You can have it all 😆

OP marriage and children in early 20s is not - historically speaking - the norm, at least for the past 500 years or so.
During the centuries that we can reliably measure (because there's written evidence) in many parts of Europe 'ordinary' women and men did not marry until their late 20s. They could not afford to, earlier.
A few aristocrats married very young - their families had money and securing the next heir was politically as well as practically important. But for most people in many parts of Europe, very young marriage is a surprisingly recent thing. This is just one example:
https://internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/Library/SLT/society/family/marriage.html

I wanted to establish a career, build a life for myself, make sure I make a good choice of partner.

I'm so glad I didn't settle for the men I dated in my 20s. Someone who was a good boyfriend at uni, was not as good once we were both working full time, had responsibilities and turned out he was a misogynist at heart.

Myself and my circle of friends all married in our early thirties and that was 30+ years ago. So it’s not a new phenomenon and yes we are still partying now ,going to festivals etc .

How were you able to buy a house before getting married OP??

I didn"t get married at 23 as I wanted to work and save for a house. I didn't want to fling that pressure on a spouse while I stay home and have dcs.

I waited until I had a house, stable job and THEN got married. It happened a lot later than I wanted but I was determined to pay my way and not be a burden.

We were certainly not out drinking before getting married but settling down is not important for some people. Each to his own.

OP, you sound condescending.

Also, you wrote: "Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship"

Get into a relationship!

And you talk about this like it is easy!
One has to meet someone that you like (love?), and who likes (loves?) you back. Not always easy! I am happy that it was so easy for you. Congratulations!
(And congratulations on your ATTRACTIVE and WEALTHY children).

Exactly. Nothing stealthy about that boast. 😂

Yep, this thread screams a wind-up. Not least based on the whole I managed to bring up three children who are so bright they're all v v high earners, yet, I'm too stupid to be able to think of any of the reasons at all that people might not do what I did.

In fact, I can't help but think someone's been watching the Bridget Jones film and that dinner party scene where the bitchy one asks her, "Why are there so many unmarried women in their 30s Bridget?" and everyone turns to Bridget sitting at the head of the table, and OP decided to recreate it on Mumsnet.

Yep. Another predictable wind up. Maybe op wants to feel better about settling down later?

I can't imagine a single reason why someone who's married or had children earlier would post this thread. Loads of replies of how much better it is to do XYZ (the exact opposite of OP's life, if true).

🙄

From my perspective it was because all of the guys I went out (I’m 44) didn’t want to settle down in their 20s. I split with one and then got into a somewhat terrible relationship with someone 20-odd years older who’d done kids and marriage and he never showed any signs either. He did, of course, marry the next person after me 🙄.

When I met my now DH, I was 35, he was 59. I think if we’d been the same age and met years ago we’d still have got married and stayed married, but IME it’s vanishingly rare to find people in their 20s who want that.

All that said, a lot of my old school friends who did get married in their 20s are now divorced so perhaps better to wait until ‘the one’, rather than ‘they’ll do”!

I think it may be worth noting that many people do still settle down earlier than their mid to late thirties.

It's not as if society has done a complete volte face. For example, I only know two women who have had children post forty. A handful post thirty five.

Yes I am university educated.

Some of us don't settle down at all. Shock horror. Here's to living in the 21st century, where it's not required of anyone.