People settling down later - why?

[Hildyloo]

I’m in my early 60s, I have 3 children who are 33, 35 and 37. I was married at 23, perhaps the younger half of my friends but most weren’t far behind. By 30 almost all were married, most had kids and those who weren’t were most likely at least in a long term relationship.

Of my 3 children, my eldest (DS) married at 29, 2 kids now who are 3 and 12 months. Middle (DD) married at 32, is expecting her first. My youngest is 33, not married, but been in the same relationship since she was 31, he has told us he plans to propose this year, then be maybe 3 or so years before marriage - so possibly 36/37.
They are all attractive and successful, youngest DS is with an ex-model and all have 6 figure salaries.
We have 3 weddings this year, mainly friends children. The couples are all 32-38, one already has children the others don’t.
I feel this is increasingly the norm - but why??
Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally? DS2 and his girlfriend (30) have just moved in together, his first time living with a partner.
They also seem to be out drinking and partying a lot which isn’t behaviour I really associate with people in their 30s.
I also feel like this is more common amongst our friends who live in London or have children living in London (or other big cities) compared to those who have stayed rural or in towns - why is that?

AIBU to wonder why the change and to think it’s a bit odd?

I'm mid 60s and had DS at 34, it wasn't unusual, I'm not sure what his salary is, he is tall though.

Us in our 30s are often the products of acrimonious divorces from early marriages. Those of us who’ve been through it have watched and learnt not to saddle ourselves with a spouse until we’re absolutely sure of them.

DH and I were together over a decade before marrying. I wanted to be earning well and be sure he was absolutely the right one before tying ourselves legally together. Not planning on following in my mother’s footsteps thank you very much.

In my experience it’s the men who don’t want to settle down, and now that there is reliable contraception and living together outside of marriage is socially acceptable they don’t have much incentive to settle down, 30 or 40 years ago you might’ve been happy with a good looking woman from the same town and have a couple of kids in your early 20s, but now with OLD and social media and moving away to university their horizons have opened up and they’re on the lookout for a better offer all the time.*

*Not all men, obviously, just what I’ve noticed from men I know.

It’s the same for everyone @CaramelMac , not just men. And thankfully so! The idea of “settling down” as a life goal for everyone is so grim.

Women wised up and realized that education and money equals power in a relationship. Plus the laws caught up to allow us to have real money and careers of our own. If you rush into having babies and being financially dependent, if there is abuse or mistreatment, it is infinitely harder to leave to protect yourself and your children.

Ok, I will illustrate this by comparing me with my grandma (as I only have an anecdotal basis on which to comment, I’ve not studied this).
My grandma finished school and entered FT work at 14. She was orphaned at 15, and then had live-in work as a servant. Marriage at 24, a baby the year after, so no settling down till 10 years after entering the workplace and ‘adult life’ gave her security, a home of her own shortly thereafter (bought not rented, not possible legally for a single woman at that time, only possible for her to do with a husband or other male relative - and she only had her sister left alive). It gave her access to a bank account, as my grandpa was willing to sign the paperwork for her to have one. He was a good ‘un, and she still made sure to have her money (he allowed her to work) in her own account, in case he turned out to not be a good ‘un and she had to flee. No women’s refuges back then, and she knew plenty of women stuck with abusive husbands. They bought their house without a mortgage, just from savings, with two children under five, with no family money, as a postie and a cleaner in their late 20s!
In contrast, I was born 50 years after my grandma. I finished FT education at 26. Established my career properly in my early 30s. Bought my first (tiny) flat (not on my own as couldn’t have afforded it) also in my early 30s, with a HUGE mortgage (more than 10 x my sole income!) despite having been living at home for several years to save for the deposit. Had my child only 10 years after finishing in education - fewer years than for my grandma! I very much wanted to marry and ‘settle down’ in my early-mid 20s, but (a) it wouldn’t have been a good idea as I had such limited life experience (certainly compared to gran at that age, when she was in the WRENs during the war); and (b) not one of the men I met of my sort of age wanted to settle down any time soon (including as it turned out, my ex, but that’s another story).
Half my family live rurally, in the kind of place people generally don’t leave, or come back to after Uni. Lots of extended families. Sure enough, most are married and settled early. Which is why by their mid 20s so many young family friends were on their second marriages. A few years later and many are on their 3rd!

From my experience, when people have the opportunity to actually do other things, they ‘settle down’ at an older age, but often a similar number of years after entering ‘adulthood’ (ie finishing education and living independently). If that is they can find one of the decent men (they seem to be few and far between) who is willing to both commit, and also to be an equal partner rather than expecting a wife who will also effectively be his mother / unpaid cleaner / housekeeper etc…

Those who settle earlier / younger, seem to have relationships that are more prone to failure. Lack of life experience? Growing apart? Not realising what they actually want / need from a partner? Less societal pressure to stay in an unhappy marriage? More understanding of the negative impact on children?

That’s my long two pennyworth on it anyway!

Excellent post!

I married at 39. Never wanted to settle for anything less than 100%.

Also, don’t forget we lost a few years of proper dating due to Covid.

People do what they feel is right in the moment.
I honestly don't think it's anything more than that

Speaking personally and for most people I know my age (30s) it’s the economy.

DH and I are both in professional careers but could only afford to buy a house much later than previous generations. Without a house, a wedding feels like a waste of money and I wouldn’t want to be renting with small kids what with rents being raised all the time, no fault evictions and no stability. Renting isn’t how it used to be, it’s brutal and cripplingly expensive. Our mortgage now on a 3 bed house is cheaper than the rent for the 1 bed flat we used to live in.

Add to that extortionate childcare costs it was important to me to be far enough along in my career to give us a decent standard of living.

We are settled now but have been together ~10 years before having kids. And we’re relatively well paid (not mumsnet well paid by a long shot but in the real world) and had family help with our deposit. I think it’s a miracle anyone is having kids these days with the cost of living.

You're exactly my age, OP, and my friends who got married were mostly in their late 20s. These days you can live with your partner and don't have to marry first. By the time people have finished uni, got started on a career, sorted out somewhere decent to live and saved to get married, they are going to be 30.

Surely with rising costs the incentive would be to get into a relationship so you can split the costs a bit more equally?

You’re taking the piss!! People should just ‘get into a relationship’ so that living costs are more affordable? 😂

I think as a society we have moved away from the family and community having the same importance and individualism has taken its place. This means people are doing what they want for longer rather than starting families. Whether this is good or bad probably depends on which angle
you approach it from. The government though has given a strong message that families are unimportant and a choice and not connected to the good of society. They expect parents back at work when children are small babies, there is little incentive towards a parent being home in the early years. Lack of housing mean people move frequently and so weaken communities. There isn’t the same ability and incentive to settle early. I have a 25yo and a 23yo and both are still far from settled. I had a home and two children when I was 24yr.

Guess this was DH and myself, got together at uni 20 years old, married at 30, house 31, child 37. All very purposeful. 20s we were trying to get our (very niche and competitive) careers on track which included moving several times, doing a masters degree and surviving the financial crash plus we were generally broke, so didn't propose marriage until 29. We bought our house at 31 and basically just enjoyed the "DINKy" lifestyle a bit (although our salaries were and are alot more modest than yours) by 35/36 decided we were ready to settle down properly and have a kid having got the (almost) responsibility free lifestyle out of our system.

Those I know who got married in their 20s are on second marriages now.

Because societal norms have changed and women have more of a choice?
Or maybe they don't want to make the same choices their parents made.

My mum was married at 22 and had 2 children by 28. However she has been answerable to her husband, my dad, all her adult life and has barely made any decision for herself. She never really worked or had any money of her own.
That's not what I wanted for myself. To me it's not much of a life.
I never thought it was desirable to settle down at a young age.
Doesn't simply the term 'settling down' sound so very boring?!

That’s great! YOU are the EXCEPTION. Most girls who give birth in their teens and early 20’s end up struggling in life; they end up scraping by with wage work, and are usually solo parenting (which carry’s a penalty in itself).

I’m really happy that you beat those odds and aren’t just another statistic.

When I say that one would have to be a moron to do that today, I really mean it. Everything is against you when in that situation. Everything.

I can only speak for my friends but it's because we can wait to settle down. It's not frowned upon to wait. There's no pressure to settle down from family etc. We can spend our 20s living life to the fullest or working on our careers and just don't want to settle down yet. I got married recently at 30 and a lot of my friends felt they were too young to do the same.

God, why wouldn’t you? Being single in your later 20s/early 30s is great because you actually have some money. Places to see, people to do etc

Also a career with a 6 figure salary tends involve some years of long hours leg work which is tough to combine with kids.

And I think if you hold off a perminent partnership till 35ish, it’s more likely to actuality be perminent

Obviously there are biological benefits to having kids younger, but that’s about it

It’s interesting hearing about other families’ experiences, because I’m realizing that the women in my family must be unusual! No one married before their mid-20’s, my grandmas were 26 and 27, my parents were early 30’s.

Education and a career was viewed as important and women owned property -both my grandmas and my Mum bought property with their own earnings. My Dad didn’t own a house when he met my Mum, but she did.

Tbh, it’s the men in my family who’ve been the less dominant forces!

I'm 27 and don't see marriage or children in my near future. I also don't have a live-in partner.

This is my situation because the dating market is crap and I don't want to settle. I haven't yet met anyone who adds anything to my life, and being married with children is not so important that I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness.

I think years ago (my grandmas generation, potentially even my parents' as they are older) the family unit and having a husband, getting pregnant etc were ultimate goals for women - more important than most things. Even if the man was a bit of an arse. It was just the done thing.
Societal norms have changed and women are now rejecting this - we are not reliant on men anymore, so what is the need for 'settling'? We play the field a bit more because we can.

Medical advancements mean that it's possible to start having children at 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, even into the 40's now. Things have just changed and IMO, in this way, for the better!

My grandma was stuck in an abusive marriage for 50 years because she was entirely reliant on him. Her advice to me is to enjoy myself, develop my career, and wait until I'm as sure as I can be before tying myself to a man with kids, marriage etc

I also married at 23.

I married again at 34. Less of a dud, second time around.

Because there is very little to be gained by Marriage and kids, half end in divorce. And most young people know that so they aren't in any hurry to do it.

Society moves on, and the world you lived in no longer exists for the vast majority of young people. Even together they would still struggle to afford what your generation did on one salary.

It's not a case of settling down later: it's a case of never settling down.

Why should they?

Changes in culture about marriage. Women do not have to put up with shit anymore etc.
Both men and women can be more picky (rightly so) about potential spouses and parents to their kids.

I am mid 40s... and feel pretty shit that I have never been married? I guess I am too damaged or something.

now with OLD and social media and moving away to university their horizons have opened up and they’re on the lookout for a better offer all the time.*

That’s true of women too isn’t it? They mostly don’t want to marry the kid they date at 17, or the lad they date at 22