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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to hen party...

128 replies

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 10:04

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

There's no conflict, we don't meet up for lunch or anything, but we text and chat reasonably regularly. I meet up with her mum for lunch or shopping or something every six or seven weeks or so, and we chat more regularly.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm not going to say anything, I don't want any upsets near the wedding, especially as I'm not 100% well and there's enough stress and tension just before a wedding, getting everything sorted isn't there?

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

OP posts:

Christmaslights21 · 13/02/2024 10:07

No OP I understand why you’re hurt. So strange that she would mention it to you and then not invite you though. Any chance she’s sent a message and you’ve missed it?

Houseplanter · 13/02/2024 10:08

Yes I would have been hurt too. There will be plenty who come along saying it's for her friends and family and you're neither, but I would say you are about to be.

I'm sorry OP, but this is the way it is. If you become a grandparent you're also likely to be treated differently.

Overtheatlantic · 13/02/2024 10:11

I understand that it’s hurtful. I do wonder if it’s just a breach of etiquette rather than a deliberate snub?

Ldd89 · 13/02/2024 10:12

I would also find it hurtful. However I can’t recall any MILs attending any of the many hen party’s I have been to and I’ve thought this was odd.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/02/2024 10:13

I would never have thought to invite future in-laws to my celebrating my hen. Traditionally it is the bride's side. I would have had the manners not to mention it.

Quitelikeit · 13/02/2024 10:13

I’d find this hurtful. It doesn’t exactly add up considering you have been meeting up with her mum and getting on well.

Can you gently mention it to your son?

Otherwise I think I would let this one go. Try to see that it’s not about you and that she just may have preferred you not to be there because she is a touch insensitive as a person.

But also consider that she still may invite you and her mum to Afternoon Tea?

PiperBoo · 13/02/2024 10:16

I think you should have been invited. In my eyes if my Mum was invited then so would my MIL be. If her Mum wasn't there I wouldn't have thought twice.

easylikeasundaymorn · 13/02/2024 10:16

Yeah it's mean

As you say if her mum wasn't there and it was just her friends thats fine, but if you decide to invite the older generation then you should invite both sides.

Also she shouldn't have suggested doing something separately if she wasn't then going to do it.

I'd also be annoyed at your son tbh - he clearly knew what her plans were and should have said look if you invite your mum you should invite mine. Did he invite her dad to his stag?

Contrary to @Ldd89 mums (and also usually an aunt or a friend, on both sides) have come to nearly all of the hens I've been on.

Herdinggoats · 13/02/2024 10:16

Quitelikeit · 13/02/2024 10:13

I’d find this hurtful. It doesn’t exactly add up considering you have been meeting up with her mum and getting on well.

Can you gently mention it to your son?

Otherwise I think I would let this one go. Try to see that it’s not about you and that she just may have preferred you not to be there because she is a touch insensitive as a person.

But also consider that she still may invite you and her mum to Afternoon Tea?

I’d interpret “we get on well enough” slightly differently to getting on well! The OP states there’s no conflict, which seems like a pretty low bar.

She shouldn’t have mentioned the hen-do, which I agree was a faux pas. But I wouldn’t have expected the OP to be invited.

MatildaTheCat · 13/02/2024 10:19

Sorry you are upset, that does sound a bit hurtful. My own son is getting married soon and I’m certainly not invited to the hen weekend ( nor would I have expected to be). Is it possible that the bridesmaids organised it and she wasn’t aware you’d been left out? Or would you have known very few people there?

I would ride it out and continue to forge a good relationship with your STBDIL.

The position of mother of the groom is quite a delicate operation of diplomacy. Play the long game. Have a lovely time at the wedding.

Pootles34 · 13/02/2024 10:23

Did your son take her Dad on his stag do, out of interest?

It sounds like she likes you - I would consider asking her if she wants to do the afternoon tea thing, it might have gotten lost in all the planning craziness. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but in this instance it doesn't sound like it's been done maliciously.

MaggieFS · 13/02/2024 10:28

Just ask her when the tea party is! She mentioned it, you don't need to shy away from it. It was rude of her not to follow when she had talked about it.

Totally fine to feel hurt. Not fine to expect to be invited to the hen do just because her mum was. It is, and always will be, a different relationship. That doesn't mean you won't get on or be close, but it is different.

SummaLuvin · 13/02/2024 10:30

I can see why you are sad about being left out since she mentioned it, but just because her mum went doesn't mean that you as MIL should automatically go IMO. I like my MIL, she's a lovely woman, but it would be daft to pretend my relationship with her is anywhere near as close to my mum. The other girls who went are likely her close friends, and it sounds like you don't know any of them. It really depends on whether you feel you have a good MIL/DIL relationship or if you feel you are genuinely close in which case it would be more of a snub.

Starzinsky · 13/02/2024 10:51

Wouldn't have thought to invite the MIL for mine, but also in keeping up appearances having your MIL witness the worst of you and your friends drunken behaviour before you marry their son wouldn't be something I would want them to see.

roarrfeckingroar · 13/02/2024 10:52

I wouldn't invite by MIL to my hen do

underneaththeash · 13/02/2024 10:53

roarrfeckingroar · 13/02/2024 10:52

I wouldn't invite by MIL to my hen do

Nor me. But then I didn't invite my mum either!

sprigatito · 13/02/2024 10:54

Maybe she just wanted to be around people she has known and trusted for a long time and is really close to? You don't have that relationship with her yet, but it doesn't mean you won't ever be close to her or that she doesn't like you. Don't let it spoil the wedding for you.

HoobleDooble · 13/02/2024 10:58

I wouldn't have invited my mum or mum in law to my hen night. I did take them both on a shopping trip to buy bits for the wedding and treated them to lunch. Is her mum possibly the pushy type who would invite herself along rather than it being you being left out?

Mermaidsarereal · 13/02/2024 11:01

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 10:04

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

Thats awful OP you are not being unreasonable. My future MIL is coming along on my hen, I wasn't expecting her to say yes to wanting to come out with a rowdy bunch of ladies but I was always going to ask and include her in any hen party plans I made. It's just common decency to ask!

Weekenders · 13/02/2024 11:27

Herdinggoats · 13/02/2024 10:16

I’d interpret “we get on well enough” slightly differently to getting on well! The OP states there’s no conflict, which seems like a pretty low bar.

She shouldn’t have mentioned the hen-do, which I agree was a faux pas. But I wouldn’t have expected the OP to be invited.

Show quote history

This. Also the communication breakdown over this is an indication the relationship isn't that close.

I hope you get to have that afternoon tea, but going on the hen weekend doesn't sound like it was ever a good idea.

Original poster

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 12:59

Thank you for all your replies, there's some good sensible advice here, which has stopped me overreacting, and I appreciate that

to answer a couple of questions, when I said there is no conflict, I just said that to be clear that there hadn't been a falling out or anything, that would've caused her not to invite me.

No, her father wasn't invited on the stag do, but neither was DH - it was just DS and his groomsmen, and they went abroad for a long weekend

I don't think there was any intention to be snubbing me or anything, she's not like that at all, she's a nice woman and I like her and I think she likes me. She is definitely not one for drama.

Yes, I suppose what are the bridesmaids could've organised it and just not thought to invite me or maybe there was a vacancy at the last minute

I think I need to manage my expectations a bit - of course, I am never going to be close to her like she is with her mum, and they do have a good relationship
I shall determinedly draw a line under it, and just go and enjoy the wedding as mother of the groom and put it down to experience

Thank you everybody, really appreciate all the answers here

OP posts:

Bluestoat · 13/02/2024 13:10

My mum was left out of my sil’s hen party. She had two. One rowdy night out with her mates - which she had no expectation to be invited to, and an then an afternoon tea party with all of sil’s female cousins and aunties. And her mum. Sil has no sisters. Me and mum would have loved to be invited to the afternoon tea party and felt very left out. I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to the night out one as I was 6 months pregnant. It really hurt. My husband (so my brothers future brother in law) was invited to the stag. So when we got to the wedding he knew loads of people and had a great time. Me and my mum knew no one and felt really embarrassed. I did all her flowers for the wedding and mum baked her cake. We felt a bit used.

KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 13:13

But that was the hen weekend, not the afternoon tea. I think YABU. Her relationship with her mum is different from her relationship with you and maybe she feels she can get drunk and let her hair down with her mum in a way she’d be embarrassed about with you. Or maybe she didn’t intend to invite her mum but her mum asked to go.

hottchocolate · 13/02/2024 13:13

I agree she shouldn't have mentioned it if she wasn't going to invite you but then again it is often a bridesmaid who arranges these things and with everything going on with the wedding she might not have thought to tell them to invite you.

Mynewnameis · 13/02/2024 13:14

Sorry yabu. No way I would have invited my mil

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