Not invited to hen party...

[Tilllly]

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

There's no conflict, we don't meet up for lunch or anything, but we text and chat reasonably regularly. I meet up with her mum for lunch or shopping or something every six or seven weeks or so, and we chat more regularly.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm not going to say anything, I don't want any upsets near the wedding, especially as I'm not 100% well and there's enough stress and tension just before a wedding, getting everything sorted isn't there?

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

Right? It’s a lack of manners, honestly. And she even mentioned it 😩 I’d be mortified!

What's your son like at communication? Is there any chance he had said you're really poorly/ stressed and suggested you wouldn't be up to it? Or forgot it invite you? Could you have a quiet word with him and ask if something's still planned? It could also have been a communication by the bridesmaid or a surprise

Right I have to say this if my future DIL invited me to her hen night, I’m sorry but I would decline that’s for her friends and close family on her side. Last night of freedom lol . Don’t take it personally

Have you actually read the OP or just the title?
This was not the main hen do with mates, but an afternoon tea that the bride said she would invite op to and then didn't.

It was not the hen night, people can't really read it seems?

Thank you @jolota, that's very kind of you in the midst of one or two unnecessary, nasty comments

I'm having a glass of wine to toast 😁 (any excuse 🤭)

I'd say it depends on relationship etc but as you and her mum get on so well I would have thought you would be invited. I'm surprised there has been no conversation in passing from either Dil or her mum about it either. If you all generally get on it may just have been a slight grasp of etiquette rather than deliberate snub which I think it to be a slip more than anything as you go shopping and meet up

Aww ☺️ thank you ☺️

We've been ok so far, have a laugh and do chat - just not really close. She's been thoughtful when I'm unwell, very appreciative of gifts and my wedding contributions etc

Hopefully we build on that as I can't imagine this was a deliberate snub

@thebestinterest
You're lovely! I bet your MIL brags about you 😁
I wouldn't quite go that far with my MIL, but she's always appreciated invites - to anything - and photos etc, cos DH would never think!!

He's very direct - blunt in fact

No, he'd never speak for me like that

Aww bless you, even as an adult there is nothing worse than feeling left out. It is still that exact same feeling you would get as a child in the playground!
It would make sense if they were doing two seperate events but if it seems like they are only having that now, I would be quite miffed. I don’t think much of my MIL (although I’m polite so she’d never know that but we aren’t close) and even I felt she had to be invited to my hen do. I was relieved when she went home though 🙈

I don’t think there’s much you can really do. You could be the one to reach out and arrange something small just with the mums etc but if I were you I’d struggle to do that when I was feeling a bit deflated at not being asked

It is the hen do -- read more carefully. The DIL originally planned a separate afternoon tea, but didn't do it, and her mother went to (at least part of) the hen, judging by the photos.

I read carefully and it's clear it was a weekend thing that included the tea to start off, but without OP being invited- and then more photos of the hend do with friends in the evening. So the tea has happened, but the invite was nto extended to OP.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

The OP specifically says the photos are of her hen weekend, not the separate afternoon tea her future DIL originally mooted, but which hasn't happened. There are 'early' photographs of the hen, her bridesmaids and her mother (no indication of what they were doing), and then later photos with half a dozen other women. Her mother clearly attended some or all of the hen weekend. There is no reference to the mooted afternoon tea having happened.

Enjoy your wine 😀
In my experience weddings (even just talking about them in forums!) unfortunately do not seem to bring out the best in some people! It is a stressful situation though, lots of logistics and family politics often come into play and it can be overwhelming.
If your relationship is generally good, then I think it's worth nursing your feelings privately for now and seeing how things move forward once everything has settled back down.

I think its down to personality a weekend away which what I did was not my mams and aunties cup of tea but my mil came and loved it. They were more old school and we went out for low-key food instead.

I have just received a flower delivery

The note says congratulations on X and Ys wedding, can't wait to celebrate with you

And it's from the chief bridesmaid!

Who I have only met once - what a lovely gesture, it's really cheered me up

That's a really lovely gesture. Have you mentioned anything or just left it? You sound like a great mil so I don't think she snubbed you purposely or because she doesn't like you so I would try to move past it

No @Gcsunnyside23 I've not said anything

It can't be undone so all it would've done would be to cause bad feeling

I'm all organised, spare tights, Kirby grips incase it's windy for my hatinator etc

Only I've got thrush!!! Sent DH out to find a pharmacy

Your son was likely supposed to let you know.

or it was brought up to him and he said something along the lines of (and only from personal experience here lol) “why would MY mom want to go to YOUR hen?!?”

I see in another post you admit your husbands has been like that, so not unreasonable your son is too. And im soo done managing his family life. His mom didn’t get it through his thick head, im out! There are enough other things I need to compensate for.

like literally every time we go visit it’s because I’ve nagged him for months. And I get a dirty look over his shoulder while she hugs him and comments on never seeing him.

I've not been invited to my future daughter in laws hen night either. I always thought we got on very well. They are all going to the West End to see a show. Apparently, it's not their tradition to invite me. And I lost my husband last year ( my sons father). You'd think she would make an exception this time. At least I know where I stand before the wedding

But the hen night is for the bride's female family (if she has any she's close to) and friends. I get on perfectly well with my MIL, but it would no more have occurred to me to invite her than it would have to invite her out to dinner with my friends on any other occasion.

You get on very well as two women who both love the same man and know that means you’ll be spending time together for the considerable future. That’s not the same as her seeing you as a good friend, or somebody she would have chosen to socialise with in any other capacity. She wants to see a show and have fun with her close friends and possibly get a bit drunk and talk about things she wouldn’t necessarily want to share with anyone but her nearest and dearest. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for you or like you as a MIL, and throwing your toys out of the pram with nonsense about “knowing where you stand” is just melodramatic. Surely you have your own friends if you’d like to go and see a show and have some drinks? If not, then why not take this as the push you need to get out there and build a new life for yourself and make some.

Her mother and aunts are invited