Not invited to hen party...

[Tilllly]

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

There's no conflict, we don't meet up for lunch or anything, but we text and chat reasonably regularly. I meet up with her mum for lunch or shopping or something every six or seven weeks or so, and we chat more regularly.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm not going to say anything, I don't want any upsets near the wedding, especially as I'm not 100% well and there's enough stress and tension just before a wedding, getting everything sorted isn't there?

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

I went to my SIL’s hen do but my DM wasn’t invited.

I think she meant well and the event ran away with itself as these things can - mum might have invited herself along. Pls don’t let it bother you. I’m quite old now and I honestly can’t think of a single friend who invited their mil to a hen do. It would be quite unusual and a bit awkward for most.

I don't know anyone who invited future Mil to the hen do. It's your big piss up with your family & mates why on earth would you have Fmil there. I would assume the afternoon tea has fallen by the wayside due to time/ budget. Don't start off what could be a very long relationship looking for reasons to be offended.

I think mentioning it to her and not inviting was a bit sloppy but not nasty.

“Joining their family”? I’m assuming that the bride has been in a relationship and engaged to OPs son for a while so should already be part of the family. I’m not sure what “joining the family” has to do with a hen do invitation.

People are so entitled about what others do at their wedding/celebrations it’s so weird.

Was the mum definitely there? Could she have just dropped her off, few photos with bridemaids trying on dresses, then the hen do itself was only with the younger group?

It would seem odd to me to invite DM but not DMIL. You'll be hopefully a long time related, so I would ask about the tea, try to arrange with the DM to take her out even if it's just the 3 of you. Take photos and then that's your special time, which you can all look back on fondly.

I think that's really mean! My MIL came to my hen do along with my SILs!

It may happen, but it’s by no means the norm for MILs to go on the hen do. Of course she’s closer to her mum and her mum is also likely to know her daughters’ friends so she doesn’t have to “look after” her mum the way she’d probably feel she had to look after you to ensure you weren’t left out and were comfortable.

As it happens, I preempted my daughter inviting me on her own hen, - and we are very close, by saying of course I’d go if she really wanted me too but I’d equally be happy to do something else just us and raised the fact that having your mum there can change the dynamic. Traditionally hen and stag dos were with your mates and same sex siblings and involved drinking and silliness and often sharing of the groom/ bride’s funniest and less salubrious scrapes. It changes the dynamic with mum, and even more so MIL there. I wanted my daughter and her lovely friends to feel they could really let their hair down and have a laugh without having to remember that maybe LightDrizzle doesn’t know what happened that mad night in Marrakech when they were 19 …

You really shouldn’t feel hurt. It isn’t a snub, it’s entirely normal. I’ve been to one hen do where the bride’s mother attended, she’s a very pushy woman though so it might not have been entirely her daughter’s choice. I haven’t been to any hen dos where the MIL was present. My friend is really close with her MIL too. She’s lovely.

You knew you wouldn't be invited to her hen weekend... it just sounds like you have an issue that she invited her own mum but not you.

But as for the afternoon tea... it was rude of her to mention this but then not invite you / cancel it. Is there any chance she is still planning to do it though?

I think it should be that way, a wedding is about two people yeah but the thought of not inviting my MIL and inviting my mum makes me cringe, when I had my hen and wedding I included MIL in everything. It's It's well and good the bride thinking her wedding is her day but I wouldn't want to offend anyone and was really grateful to be joining such a nice family when if was me. Also, why the bride hasn't picked up on MIL not being invited and invited her to something is beyond me. I can't see my SIL ever doing this to my mum.

But the bride in this situation is not you.

People have different family dynamics.

What you chose to do for your wedding does not mean that everyone else should follow suit.

The OP’s DIL can invite whoever she wants to her hen and she should not be made to feel guilty for not inviting her MIL. It’s not like she’s being excluded from the actual wedding. Jesus wept.

Oh dear, I didn't even think of inviting my ex's mum & sister to my hen! Literally didn't even occur to me. I don't think it's a deliberate snub.

Not a great start on her side for your relationship! It’s hurtful that she mentioned it and then backed out.

No way I would have invited my MIL (or my mum for that matter) on my weekend do/night out. But I had a garden party instead for older family and local people that didn’t make the night out.

Try and chalk it up to disorganised hens rather than malice. Hopefully she will be more thoughtful in future.

Same as my daughter. Her future SIL was invited as they have a great relationship independently of her relationship with her then fiancé and her SIL is the same age bracket as DD and her friends. DD counts her as a friend. DD also has a great relationship with her now MIL and did from the off, but I don’t think it occurred to her invite her to her Hen and I know her MIL won’t have got the hump about it. Not for a second.

Granted but don't expect a decent relationship with your MIL if you're going to be a brat and leave her out all because it's 'your day'. Unsure what the Ops Son is doing not questioning this either.

@Tilllly You sound perfectly reasonable in your initial post, not overreacting, just unsure of the situation and your follow up comments are very sensible, taking on board the mixed feedback. Prioritising the relationship is important, and you'll have other opportunities outside of the stress of the wedding to see if anything similar happens in future to determine if this was intentional.

The hen do is for the bride's friends and relatives. For you to think that if she invited her mother, you should have been invited suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of the relationship. You're your son's mother, not your future DIL's.

I think it does depend on the type of hen do you're having as to whether MIL gets invited. For a wild weekend away, then probably not and possibly not the bride's mother, but for something more sedate then, I think it is quite hurtful to exclude MIL especially if you've told her the plans.

Both my mum and MIL came to my hen do and they loved it, including going to a club after the evening meal!

My first thought was that she (the bride) may not have organised it. Secondly, hen parties are quiet personal.

I didn't invite my MIL to my hen, not because there is any bad blood, just because I saw my hen party for my close ladies. It wasn't a snub.

MIL has attended joint celebrations (baby shower, birthdays, Christmas, etc.) but hen/stag celebrations are very her/his side events.

So if you don’t invite your MIL to your hen party then it means you won’t have a decent relationship. That’s very strange, that’s the first time I’ve heard anything like that.

I feel so sorry for any future brats, oops sorry, brides who would just like to celebrate a hen party with their immediate family and close friends.

There’s so much unnecessary pressure on women in this day and age. They can’t even invite who they want without offending someone or sacrificing a “decent relationship” It’s totally depressing. What a time to be alive 🙄

I don't think you do, no because it won't just be the hen do it's when you have children and your mum gets more of a look in aswell. It's hurtful and a lot of these women don't realise until they're mothers in law themselves.

I hope you heal from whatever trauma a DIL has given you.

I'm not a DIL lmfao I'm 28, newly wed and I love my MIL, I'd never leave her out of anything with my own mum.

That’s wonderful. So then please have the maturity to respect other people’s family dynamics that are different to yours.

It's not dynamics it's bad manners and being a shit DIL but i don't expect someone with your views to agree.

This has given me flashbacks to my hen. I went up to near where my mum’s family live and had a very low key afternoon tea with my mum, aunt, cousin etc who lived locally.

Posted on Facebook as I was travelling back home, only to receive a passive agressive comment from “SIL” (DH’s brother’s fiance!) about “an invite would’ve been nice”, etc.

She lives on the opposite end of the country and I hardly know her! That was the beginning of the end of my cordial relationship with her.