Not invited to hen party...

[Tilllly]

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

There's no conflict, we don't meet up for lunch or anything, but we text and chat reasonably regularly. I meet up with her mum for lunch or shopping or something every six or seven weeks or so, and we chat more regularly.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm not going to say anything, I don't want any upsets near the wedding, especially as I'm not 100% well and there's enough stress and tension just before a wedding, getting everything sorted isn't there?

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

😂😂😂

I pray for your MIL ❤

If the afternoon tea is not happening then YABU. No way would I invite my MIL on my hen do with my friends. It's meant to be a time to let your hair down, chat girly stuff etc, I would be incredibly stifled and suffocated with MIL there. My MIL is actually lovely but we are not close enough to make jokes or for me to be myself.

Thats kind of you. She passed away years before I met my partner, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate your prayers 🥰

Also, I have been to 3 hen dos in the last 12 months. Not a single MIL invited on any of them

Perhaps OP it might be an idea to do a little something with your future DIL. Arrange lunch or afternoon tea for you both and whom ever else?
Instead of it feeling like a snub, take the lead, show some initiative and make an effort with your DIL.

Hen parties are generally left to the bridesmaids to arrange, the bride has a full mental load no doubt, so treat her!

Who wants to have a hen do with their MIL??

I didn’t invite my MIl or DM to mine, my cousin arranged an evening out for my aunts and cousins. It wouldn’t have felt appropriate to include MiL, I just wanted to chill with my own family.
MIL never treated me, or made me feel welcome in any way, so I do think the expectations should change. MIl makes the effort instead of waiting on the bride.

She must have changed her mind but she should defo have told you

I think it was mean to invite her mum and not you. You either invite both or neither. I hope it's not a sign of things to come for you. I think it's best not to say anything, it's done now.

I would be hurt too if you thought you were close to her, and if her mum was invited.

I however wouldn't even think of inviting my partner's mum to my hen do, I'd find it weird and awkward.

I suppose because there was a promise of an invite and then nothing happened?

You're not very clear on the timescales other than saying the wedding is soon OP. I agree it would be awkward to complain about being left out, but no reason not to gently enquire about the proposed afternoon tea. In fact couldn't you ask if you could help setting it up, given the bride will be certain to have her hands full with all kinds of organisational minutiae? Or if the weddings too soon now, maybe propose holding a small event after it. Following what a pp said, you could also ask whether she wanted to meet any other women your side of the family.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

Have people missed this bit? The bride essentially said there’d be an invitation to an afternoon tea, which hasn’t materialised.

You’re not remotely unreasonable for being a little sad about that.

She shouldn’t have mentioned it to you, that got your hopes high. But I wouldn’t have thought to include MIL or SIL, even though I like my MIL a lot. MIL got sick recently and I was in a worse state than DH over it.

I can be like this on invites, over promise things in the moment and then get anxious and panicky about things.

Don’t hold it against her this time.

I can understand you feeling upset OP. If she hadn't mentioned it and said you were being invited I doubt you'd have even been bothered. But saying your are invited then not including you is hurtful
I wasn't expecting to be invited to anything, I thought Dil would go on a short break or night out with all her friends, she is doing that but also a lunch for us old women relatives on both sides and her best friends as she wants us all to meet and get to know who everyone is before the wedding.

I’d find mothers or MIL’s attending the brides hen party to be odd. Surely it’s just a chance for her to let her hair down with her mates?🤔

I understand why you are hurt. I invited both my mum and mil to my hen, as did my sister, and off the top of my head, 3 of my friends had both their mums and mil at their hen parties. I guess there's not much point in saying anything now.

Actually make that 4

It’s bad manners to invite one Mum and not the other. It was an afternoon tea, not a drunken hen party.

If she had mentioned it to you, I would assume that it wasn’t her who ended up organising it so don’t be too upset OP. If I were her, I would be a bit embarrassed about it.

I didn’t think the afternoon tea happened.

She probably decided 2 hen dos was too much planning so stick with the one do and took her mum to that.
I would only take it personally if she has form for being mean. Sounds like she doesn’t have so I’d just try to forget it and keep a nice relationship with her.

OP I voted YANBU. Just wanted to say you’ve been so gracious and accepting of all replies in this thread, and are obviously not wanting to upset the bride despite feeling hurt. you sound really considerate and I bet you’re a lovely mother in law 💐

Why not?

How on earth will they have a relationship when the soon to be DIL mentions doing something then goes back on it, yet others who were mentioned as being invited to this event are there and OP isn't? She's made it clear that OP is an after thought

Personally speaking I would be raising concerns with my DS. I could see her being the type who will prioritise her side and OP will not get a look in.

She lied about an event, and her intentions for OP. I would not trust her again after that. She's created an atmosphere of us and them and that's not a good basis for joining two families.
It's exactly why I have very limited interaction with my in laws due to their behaviour towards me and worse my children.

Op, many will tell you that you are being unreasonable, but I understand why you feel hurt by this. Honestly, I would be as well 😕

I don’t understand why brides choose to exclude MILs with stuff like this…obviously it’s important and many want to be apart of it as well. At the very least, maybe ask if they’d like that? It seems that excluding important people (YES, MILs ARE IMPORTANT PEOPLE) is sure way to sour relationships and start off on a bad foot.

I didn’t have a traditional wedding, but I did have a traditional white/cream dress. The tailor wasn’t in my area to take my measurements so I asked my MIL is she could help me with that. I had no idea that such a simple thing would end up
meaning SO MUCH TO HER. Like, honestly… it moved her to tears. It didn’t cost me anything to invite her, and it did showed her that I wanted to include her. I also asked her if she wanted to be present for the birth of her grandchild, which she did! This also meant the world to her. I’m aware that MILs (typically men’s mothers) are at a disadvantage, so I think it’s really important to try to include them if it feels natural. Heck, even if it doesn’t! Try to befriend people who maybe aren’t your immediate type? It’s a skill no doubt.

😒🙁