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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to hen party...

128 replies

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 10:04

My son is getting married shortly, and I get on well enough with my daughter-in-law to be

There's no conflict, we don't meet up for lunch or anything, but we text and chat reasonably regularly. I meet up with her mum for lunch or shopping or something every six or seven weeks or so, and we chat more regularly.

She had said that she was planning hen weekend, but said she was also thinking of doing an afternoon tea somewhere fancy, with her chief bridesmaids me and her mum

I said I would love that but haven't heard anything about it since, and I don't think it will happen now before the wedding

But then I have seen on Facebook, photos of her hen weekend with her bridesmaids and her mum. The early photos are just of them, but the later ones have another half dozen girls on the hen weekend

I didn't know anything about this. And I am feeling quite hurt, that I wasn't invited - If her mum wasn't invited, then I wouldn't think twice about it.

I'm not going to say anything, I don't want any upsets near the wedding, especially as I'm not 100% well and there's enough stress and tension just before a wedding, getting everything sorted isn't there?

Am I unreasonable to have expected an invite if her mum was going?

OP posts:

MrsCarson · 13/02/2024 13:15

The women on my side of the family have been invited to future DIL bridal shower afternoon Lunch and meet all the women and best friends of the brides family.
I think future Dil made a big mistake not inviting all her future Dh's female family members. Maybe she wasn't the one organising, I know it's not the bride organising the one we are going to so didn't know you'd been left out.

Basilandmandarin · 13/02/2024 13:19

I’ve been on 3 hen parties in the past 2-ish years and none of the MIL’s or grooms family were invited.

I think it was a bit daft of her to mention it to you though (which would have obviously gotten your hopes up for an invite).

There’s nothing you can do about it now though OP. Just let it go, or you’ll end up holding a grudge and feeling awkward at the wedding.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/02/2024 13:21

The hen is usually for the bride’s closest friends, isn’t it? And for many women, their own mum falls into that camp. I don’t know anyone who’s invited their partner’s relatives to their hen or stag unless they were actually good friends. You get on with your DIL but it doesn’t sound as though there’s the sort of intimacy and closeness in your relationship which hen dos tend to foster. It was a bit off of her to mention it to you in the first place as if you’d be going, though - I’m guessing one of the bridesmaids organised it and just didn’t think for a moment about the MIL.

nighttimeforgenerals88 · 13/02/2024 13:21

KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 13:13

But that was the hen weekend, not the afternoon tea. I think YABU. Her relationship with her mum is different from her relationship with you and maybe she feels she can get drunk and let her hair down with her mum in a way she’d be embarrassed about with you. Or maybe she didn’t intend to invite her mum but her mum asked to go.

I agree with this. I do understand why you're feeling hurt, but try not to take it too personally. She said she was going to have a hen weekend and an afternoon tea.

I get along with my MIL and SILs like a house on fire, but it didn't even cross my mind to invite them to my hen weekend. I just wanted to let my hair down in the presence of my friends and mum, which would have been hard to do as much if my ILs were present.

I've read your update and you seem to be taking it very well, I'm glad to hear it. I hope you have a wonderful MIL/DIL relationship, and a lovely time at the wedding :)

EnterFunnyNameHere · 13/02/2024 13:22

I think inviting parents/in laws to your hen do is pretty strange, unless you get on phenomenally well. The wedding itself is where you get all the politics of "if you invite one cousin you have to invite them all", "will this seating plan be taken as a snub" nonsense! The hen do should just be the bride to be kicking back and having fun with her nearest and dearest, which often doesn't include in laws!

I also notice no perceived angst about men taking their mates for a piss up and not inviting dads/dads in law... strange that...!

Berlinlover · 13/02/2024 13:30

You said in your first post that you’re not 100% well, could this be the reason you weren’t invited to the hen party?

Mrsttcno1 · 13/02/2024 13:33

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. My mum and my nanna both came on my hen do but I didn’t even think of inviting my MIL. We don’t have that kind of relationship and it sounds like you don’t either, if you don’t meet for food/drinks etc typically and just have an occasional text type relationship then I don’t know why she would invite you or why you’d be bothered that she didn’t

Original poster

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 13:38

Bluestoat · 13/02/2024 13:10

My mum was left out of my sil’s hen party. She had two. One rowdy night out with her mates - which she had no expectation to be invited to, and an then an afternoon tea party with all of sil’s female cousins and aunties. And her mum. Sil has no sisters. Me and mum would have loved to be invited to the afternoon tea party and felt very left out. I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to the night out one as I was 6 months pregnant. It really hurt. My husband (so my brothers future brother in law) was invited to the stag. So when we got to the wedding he knew loads of people and had a great time. Me and my mum knew no one and felt really embarrassed. I did all her flowers for the wedding and mum baked her cake. We felt a bit used.

Ouch

That's insensitive

I hope the relationship is better now

OP posts:

123sunshine · 13/02/2024 13:57

Honestly I don't really understand the need to invite mothers or mother in laws on do's. Just let it go.

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/02/2024 14:01

I never expected to go on my future DIL's hen do. I wanted her to relax and have fun, we get on well but I figured she'd enjoy it more without me, her Mum went.

Are you sure there isn't still a plan for something with you and her Mum?

hottchocolate · 13/02/2024 14:11

Sorry yabu. No way I would have invited my mil

but would you have told her she would be invited?

WillimNot · 13/02/2024 14:14

I'd be upset OP.

And no, I wouldn't feel bad about raising it. Not in a woe is me way, I would put it like "oh I saw you had your hen night, let me know when that afternoon tea you mentioned is"

That way, she has to think of a way to sort it.

She's made you feel upset, I would be livid if it was my mum made to feel like that.

You need to sort it or the whole time you'll always feel slightly lesser or awkward around her. She's excluded you, after mentioning you'd be coming and invited. It is a snub and a callous one at that because she mentioned you would be coming.

My Sil did this to me, had three hen parties that she told me about. One was for family, one for close friends and one for "everyone else, you know work people and others". Guess which one I was invited to? I've known where I stood ever since and have practically cut them out.

Basilandmandarin · 13/02/2024 14:29

And no, I wouldn't feel bad about raising it. Not in a woe is me way, I would put it like "oh I saw you had your hen night, let me know when that afternoon tea you mentioned is"

OP, do NOT do this!!!!

Do not try and invite yourself to the afternoon tea. It will just be plain awkward. If she wants you there, she’ll invite you.

Yoyoban · 13/02/2024 14:30

Yabvu. A hen party is for the people closest to the bride. Do you really expect her to rank you equally to her own Mum?

I've been to quite a few hen parties which have included the mother of the bride (and aunts of the bride). I've never been to one attended by the mother of the groom.

Don't forget the MoB (and often aunts) will also likely have known many of the bride's friends since childhood so there will be a completely different dynamic with them too compared to you coming in as a stranger to most of them

Flottie · 13/02/2024 15:05

I’d be hurt too. Especially as she mentioned it to you and then you didn’t get an invite.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 13/02/2024 15:11

Sorry to say it but you sound very childish. Maybe she only said she'd want you there as you'd made her feel as though she ought to invite you to keep the peace. Stop putting so much weight and scrutiny on this girl and leave her be. Just because she wants a marriage with your son doesn't mean she has to include you in her social life.

Original poster

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 15:13

I understand the comments that I'm being unreasonable, I think it's just that I was under the impression that there was a weekend for her friends only, and then an afternoon tea for me and her mum and a couple of the bridesmaids. And the afternoon tea doesn't seem to be happening and the weekend away included her mum

So I feel a bit hurt and excluded, but I don't for one minute think that was her intent, because she's just not like that. I just don't really understand why she told me about it and then it didn't happen.

But I don't think it's worth saying anything, because that will just cause upset and unnecessarily so because it won't fix anything. So I'm just giving my head a wobble, and putting it behind me as not intended to make me feel excluded and hurt by any means.

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 13/02/2024 15:14

Another possibility is that she didn't actually want her mum there, but her mum is one of those "won't take no for an answer" mothers so the bride just accepted it for an easy life.

Original poster

Tilllly · 13/02/2024 15:14

Berlinlover · 13/02/2024 13:30

You said in your first post that you’re not 100% well, could this be the reason you weren’t invited to the hen party?

Maybe, but I would hope that if that was her thinking she would have given me the option rather than just assumed I wouldn't be well enough

Anyway, I've had a bit of a vent and got some different viewpoints on here, so I'm not going to brood about it or feel the need to make it into an issue, and that's the main thing.

OP posts:

Bumbers · 13/02/2024 15:17

it would never have occurred to me to invite my MIL to my hen do. Even though she is lovely and we get on well!

CatamaranViper · 13/02/2024 15:18

I invited my mam on my hen do because we are very close. I didn't invite my MIL because she wouldn't want to come and would really struggle physically but would feel like she had to and it would have just been a nightmare. I didn't invite my SIL either, despite the fact she's really nice, she wouldn't know anyone. Also, she isn't my friend. She is my husbands sister. My husband also didn't invite my dad or brother on his stag do.

MountainBarbie · 13/02/2024 15:21

Yanbu this is so wrong and so hurtful :( people are so insensitive, it won't be personal but it's just really poor.

MountainBarbie · 13/02/2024 15:24

Also some of the responses on here prove that often the DIL is the problem not the MIL. MIL's are treated with such disdain when they're the grooms mum. Not saying this is the case for you OP but my God, doesn't hurt to include someone.

Basilandmandarin · 13/02/2024 15:25

MountainBarbie · 13/02/2024 15:21

Yanbu this is so wrong and so hurtful :( people are so insensitive, it won't be personal but it's just really poor.

Why is it wrong?

Why should the OP’s feelings and wishes trump the bride’s?

MountainBarbie · 13/02/2024 15:26

Basilandmandarin · 13/02/2024 15:25

Why is it wrong?

Why should the OP’s feelings and wishes trump the bride’s?

Show quote history

Because inviting your MIL when you're joining their family hurts nobody and not including her after mentioning it to her is downright nasty?

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