To think someone saying "PLEASE?" Is irritating when you ask them to do something

[bottomsup12]

Firstly let me start by saying yes I know manners are good and cost nothing etc..

HOWEVER, there are a couple of occasions where I think it is rude to respond to someone who has forgotten to say please with a sarcastic "PLEAAASSEEE" when you ask them to do something.

The first occasion is, you are asking them to do something mutually beneficial, that you shouldn't even have to be asking in the first place. Like can you set a load of washing on? PLEASE.... no I am busy doing the dishes why am I even having to ask you.

The second occasion is simple forgetfulness, "can you pass me the remote" PLEASE.....

It's so aggravating..... AIBU to feel slighted and irked by that?

I care more about how polite the overall request is.

e.g both DH and I tend to ask ‘Would you mind and then the request’ sometimes with a please and sometimes not. The overall request feels nicer to both of us than ‘can you do X please’ as it feels like there is more of an element of choice.

If someone usually used please/thank you and was generally a polite person then it probably wouldn't bother me if other requests were made that were polite in tone/phrasing but without the exact word "please".

The only time I could see myself saying "PLEASE" to another adult when they make a request is if they routinely had poor manners or someone regularly spoke to me with instructions/request and no manners.

As an aside, I expect DC to use manners when making requests so I think it would be rubbish of me and DH to model rude behaviour and expect more of DC than ourselves.

I always say please anyway - was brought up that way and so it comes naturally.

however, there was a book (sorry, can't remember which one!) that said that men respond better to a 'would you...?' rather than a 'could you.....' and 'will you....' rather than 'can you...'

So with men that's what I say - 'would you take the bins out please?' 'Please will you lay the table?' Never had a problem with that formula and the jobs get done.

I suggest you look at him pointedly and sarcastically say Thhaank yoooou? every time you cook, clean, shop, hoover, or look after the children (if he holds manners in such high regard and wants to keep score he’ll be grateful for your pulling him up like this).

Alternatively tell him not to be so petty and patronising to you about being asked to pitch in with chores.

That is a passive language issue. Could you? Yeah, but I won't.

It is much ruder to do the PLEEEASE after someone has forgotten to say please. It’s like the person who, if you don’t wave effusively at them for at the zebra crossing, shouts THANK YOU.

The person who does this doesn’t want you to feel good. If you’d said please (or waved at the zebra crossing), they wouldn’t be satisfied. They’d have found something else to carp at.

Good manners are not a cake recipe. Saying please and thank you do not automatically make you a polite (or nice) person. They are more an etiquette.

It reminds me a bit of the (usually quite rude) notice entitled “Polite Notice”.

@bottomsup12 i do not think you’re being unreasonable. There are ways could make a polite request without using the word please in every sentence.

I think demanding the word please in every request illustrates a rather limited vocabulary and a lack of understanding and courtesy of others. We no longer six and three quarters, our use of language can progress.

“could I use the salt after you”
“can you pass me the remote”

they are slightly longer sentences and not as bluntly demanding as “pass the salt” or “pass the remote”.

how do people expect the conversation to go ?
“oh darling it’d be frightfully delightful if you could pass the salt please”
”oh why of course sweetheart I’d be my absolute please and delight to pass the salt to you after I’ve finished using it ….. here you are sweetheart here’s the salt”
”oh thank you darling, it’s so wonderfully kind of you to pass the salt to me I am forever indebted to you kindness” ????

1. shaking that much salt would kill them
2. dinner would be cold.

there are ways to be kind and polite without treating everyone like a toddler.

if you’re making a request out of the blue, or not part of a shared activity (like a meal or watching tv) then of course it’s polite to say please, but I think it can be over used to labour unuseful points. (Usually in my experience by the rudest, creepiest individuals around but because they say please their existence can’t possibly be offensive!! 🙄)

Just say please. It's polite.

I say this to my 3 year old in these circumstances as I expect it from her (saying please) and I would most certainly expect it from adult too

Your examples are the exact times I would say please.

So many posters are missing the whole point of the thread.

The question is not: Should you say please when asking your partner to do XYZ?

The question is: Is it acceptable for my partner (who doesn't usually say please himself) to sarcastically say "PLEEAASE!" to make me look like a nag when I politely ask him to do chores in his own house, but omit the word please?

Well said. Lots of the posters going on about the importance of please seem oblivious to what real politeness actually involves!

But he doesn't say please himself. So why should she?

You are rude for not reading all of OP's posts.

I don’t really understand how someone can forget to say please. Doesn’t it just roll of your tongue as if it’s apart of the sentence?

Well I don't understand how you can miss the point of the whole thread, but there you go....

OP asked a question and I answered it. What part of her question were you answering? Or were you just being snarky for no reason. Use the @ button or quote symbol next time👍

I responded to the OP's actual question (which was about her partner's behaviour) upthread.

You weren't answering her question. You (along with half of the other posters on this thread) were just trying to demonstrate how impeccably good you are for always saying please. Well done you!

Please show me where in the original post did it mention anything about a partner. The original post and the title ‘To think someone saying "PLEASE?" Is irritating when you ask them to do something’ is what I responded too.

If you want to get pissy with people because they’re responding to the original post and not the drip feed that’s come about as more people have commented, then why not advise the OP to add more context in their original post. Why are you getting angry at people that are literally answering the question that’s in the title? Enjoy fighting everyone on this thread! Taking paracetamol for someone else’s headache for what reason

This.
Of course it's polite to say please, but some are over obsessed with the word. You can be perfect polite without the word please and totally rude even with it!

This is a talk forum. I think it’s good manners to take a few minutes to read the conversation that’s unfolded on a thread before throwing your opinion in.

Its a bit like joining a conversation in real life. You don’t walk up to a group and immediately butt in with your opinion without getting a feel for what’s been said already and the direction the conversation has taken.

Use the @ button or quote symbol next time PLEEEEASE. You forgot there. 🤣

See how annoying that is?

I think it’s rude and patronising to pull up an equal partner in an adult relationship on their use of “please”.
Its a simplified rule to teach small children to learn basic manners. Most adults have moved on from thinking it’s a “magic word” and I suspect the husband here is simply pissed off with being asked to do something.

@SmileyClare the OP provided an update on page 3. I’m not reading 3 pages when I’ve already read the original post and a few comments on the first page. Luckily for me, I read all of the OP’s post before commenting but I still responded to the question in the thread title.

I purposely didn’t say please to that poster as I purposely wasn’t being polite. HTH

I never understand people’s indignation when they’re pulled up for not reading a thread. It’s five or 6 pages of text- so about five minutes of reading.

How on earth you cope with books I don’t know.

‘Pulled up for not reading a thread’🤣 sorry I didn’t know that it was stated in the Talk Guidelines that you must read the full thread before commenting.

I have two toddlers running riot, I read the title of a thread, click on it, read the OP and a few comments on the front page and then add my comment. The fact that you’re so pressed that I answered the OP and not the context that was then provided 3 pages later, is really quite bemusing. If the OP wanted to add context in the opening post, then they would have. Ta-ra now