To think someone saying "PLEASE?" Is irritating when you ask them to do something

[bottomsup12]

Firstly let me start by saying yes I know manners are good and cost nothing etc..

HOWEVER, there are a couple of occasions where I think it is rude to respond to someone who has forgotten to say please with a sarcastic "PLEAAASSEEE" when you ask them to do something.

The first occasion is, you are asking them to do something mutually beneficial, that you shouldn't even have to be asking in the first place. Like can you set a load of washing on? PLEASE.... no I am busy doing the dishes why am I even having to ask you.

The second occasion is simple forgetfulness, "can you pass me the remote" PLEASE.....

It's so aggravating..... AIBU to feel slighted and irked by that?

I agree that it sounds like the OP is doing her bit and asking a partner or child to help out. She shouldn’t need to wheedle them with a ‘please’.

Some people are so hung up on supposed ‘good manners’ whilst acting like lazy lumps. Which isn’t very polite of them.

I actually think that (e.g.) ‘Could you put the wash on?’ sounds better, in that you’re asking them to consider doing it, than ‘Could you put the wash on, please’ which sounds like task delegation from the boss!

The reason you feel irked is that your partner expects you to beg him politely to do a household chore as if he’s doing you a favour.

If the person you're asking to do the chore lives in the house, then the chore is just as much for their benefit as yours. Why should you have to beg someone to do a chore in their own house, for their own benefit?

Exactly. It's not a favour, it's the bare minimum for being a responsible adult who contributes to the smooth running of the house.

Exactly this.

It is rude to sit around watching someone else work, when there are other chores that need doing. Much ruder than not saying “please” at the end of every polite request.

And I have never said "please" to my DH in this scenario unless it really is an unusual favour that I'm asking for. It is perfectly possible to speak politely and respectfully without saying please (which goes a step further by implying they are doing you a favour).

YABU - manners are v v important, just say ‘please can you put a load on’ doesn’t matter who it benefits, it’s rude not to say please!

Hmm - except that's a bit simplistic. You wouldn't be polite to walk into a bar and baldly say "a coffee" if you have manners. You'd either preface it with "Could you get me"/"I'd like" or, if asked what you'd like you'd reply saying "a coffee". Not saying please or thank you doesn't mean you wouldn't be polite in other ways.

If I asked someone to put a wash on or pass me the remote I would say please, that's basic manners.

99.5% of the time I’d say YABU here. You should say please or an equivalent (see below)

But if the other person is your husband and you’re asking him to do things he should know
to do, then YANBU. You dont need à please.

Thats the only case it applies to - when it’s a wife to husband. Not the other way around.

BUT I think there are other ways of phrasing things that = please. Such as “would you mind”. Then you don’t need a please on top.

Omg yes! That's exactly it. They're picking on something minor to relive themselves of the irritation they feel at being asked to do something!

Yeah it's this.... an otherwise rude person can gain a moral high ground because of some little rule that has nuance in it.
And I absolutely guarantee everyone saying "get some manners" doesn't say please every single time they ask for something and if someone were to follow them round going "PLEASE" every time they forgot they would also be irate

Sounds like there is more than a missed please going on.

Is it time to consider working on or changing the relationship

I agree with this. Saying please doesn’t always mean you’re polite. And it’s perfectly possible to ask politely without constantly saying please.

I used to live in Italy, where you literally walk into a bar and say " a coffee" and they slam it down in front of you, you down it, slam your money down on the counter, quick "ciao, grazie" and off you bugger. Much easier than the endless please, thank you, sorry sorry sorry in the UK.

I’d be tempted to stop asking him to use the washing machine. Simply dump all his dirty stuff in a pile on the floor and wait for him to run out of pants.

It sounds like contempt has entered your marriage. That’s hard to undo ☹️

Well this is easy to remedy - just say please to begin with!
You say you sometimes forget, but it really should be second nature. And if you do forget and get pulled on it, so what! Just take it on the chin.

I find this a really strange approach. I don't see the politeness of "please" as something that needs to be thought about, with some finite number of please/thanks that shouldn't be wasted, it's innate, it is simply how the English language works - at least in many parts of England and in both our families. I will withhold a "please" and "thank you" only in the event of extreme rudeness from the other party, never from my own family.

I would suggest OP that you consider the impact. You are annoyed about tasks, your DH is annoyed by getting instructions instead of requests. Do you want to keep annoying each other or start a conversation about how to communicate better? Which will affect both of you!

This reminds me of Gen Z telling the rest of us that putting a full stop at the end of a text message is rude.

I don't think your examples really require please, it's all in the tone.
Pass me the salt= very rude Could /can you pass me xyz is OK. A please could be in there but the can you and the tone would make it not essential imo.
I might remind a child and if talking to a child I would be extra careful to use it probably as a reminder but wouldn't expect to be corrected like that from an adult. The only acceptable way would be if they said calmly and not patronisingly that they would appreciate it if you said please when you are asking them to do something.

As I say to children in my classes when they don’t use please or thank you - what’s the magic word? Or I give them a stern look. Manners maketh man (& woman!) and all that!

Asking someone to pass you something should include a ‘please’. Having to tell a grown adult in their own home to get on with chores doesn’t require a please, bet he didn’t ask you to ‘please do the dishes’.

Good manners are not about saying please and thank you. They're just words which can be used with no thought at all and need to be in the correct context.

Good manners should be about respect and consideration of the other person and, in the OP's example, there was no respect being shown to her. Her OH was being rude to her whichever way you look at it. And lazy.

I can't not say please! It was drilled into me as a child. I think it's actually a nice thing about English language/culture that we say please and thank you as a matter of course. It tends to make people feel more appreciated and it lubricates social interactions. People from other countries are sometimes a bit nonplussed but often find it quite endearing - plus it's an easy way for non-native speakers to assimilate a little bit more.

In the OP's case, I don't think it's the language used that is the problem.