To think someone saying "PLEASE?" Is irritating when you ask them to do something

[bottomsup12]

Firstly let me start by saying yes I know manners are good and cost nothing etc..

HOWEVER, there are a couple of occasions where I think it is rude to respond to someone who has forgotten to say please with a sarcastic "PLEAAASSEEE" when you ask them to do something.

The first occasion is, you are asking them to do something mutually beneficial, that you shouldn't even have to be asking in the first place. Like can you set a load of washing on? PLEASE.... no I am busy doing the dishes why am I even having to ask you.

The second occasion is simple forgetfulness, "can you pass me the remote" PLEASE.....

It's so aggravating..... AIBU to feel slighted and irked by that?

I did preface that with the word 'unrelated'...

I still don't see why OP has to mind her Ps and Qs in the comfort of her own home, and I don't see why her partner thinks it's okay to demand the word 'please' in such an entitled, patronising way. She's not a child. It's perfectly possible to phrase a request politely without needing to use the word 'please' and perfectly possible to phrase a request rudely while using the word 'please'.

This is a bugbear of mine. Saying please doesn't in itself communicate gratitude or politeness. There are many ways to communicate in a polite manner. I have heard many people saying please as a routine statement whilst their tone and manner is rude. I have also heard many people ask 'May I have the salt' with a smile and eye contact which communicates manners and is courteous.

The British are weird about please and thank you. It is the intention and tone of communication that matters. Not a perfunctory use of a word.

For the first example, I would wish I had said, “I’ll say please right after you thank me for doing the dishes.” I probably wouldn’t think of it at the time, though.

For the second, “please” is probably more appropriate - you are asking for something for yourself - but I expect your tone of voice conveyed a request, rather than a demand.

Manners are important, as you say, but this is clearly a member of your family, so it’s a more relaxed environment. However, if this is the way they are, I would be tempted to use an exaggerated “please”, every time!

There's also a certain irony in demanding politeness for yourself whilst failing to extend it to the other person...

But it would also be weird to say 'Please can you say please, please'

I do as that’s how I was raised, I’m British and a Geordie

I despise people who save their worst manners for their nearest and dearest, just saying 🤷‍♀️. Good manners begin at home, they're not a garment you put on before stepping outside.

I BET this person doesn’t always say please themselves, do they OP?

It’s a typical tactic used by lazy men people when they’re angry at being asked to do any work, so they lash out by fixating on something minor.

YANBU and stop doing so much for this person.

I think you need to learn to read the nuance.

It isn't even related to whether the receiver thinks it is good manners or not, it is more to me that the sentence is annoyingly incomplete sounding, without the please in it. Who cares about other languages? These examples are in English, and should have "Please" in them

I think you need to learn some manners.

I agree with you OP, and other pp who have cited other languages.
I have lived in Scandinavia where, in some of those countries, there isn't even a word for "please" (as we use it) in their language at all (try Icelandic, for instance). And it makes them laugh at the English who are always saying please and thank you for normal, adult-to-adult requests.

Please and thank you for requests is very culturally specific and in an age of diversity, we should be more aware.

You can be perfectly well mannered and civil to everyone without the ridiculous 'please' nonsense, bonkers.....

Why’s that then? 🤣

I think YABU because it's not about him doing 50% of the housework, it's about him stopping whatever he's doing at a time of your choosing to do the thing you want him to do. Expecting him to just do that (regardless of what the thing is) is actually quite controlling and I'd imagine he's hacked off in other ways too. Not saying please is also quite rude.

One of the traits of a narcissist is expecting everyone to drop everything to jump to your tune and do what you want and also being rude/talking down to people you're in a relationship with or immediate family on the assumption that you're better than them and above having to be polite/nice to them.

It jumps out of your OP that you think you're above being polite to your partner so I'd query what you're doing in a relationship with someone you think is so far beneath you.

I hope your DH gets some help TBH.

Yanbu. It sounds like you’re talking about a lazy partner who sarcastically ‘educates’ you on manners when you dare to ask them anything. He wants to be left to his own devices and won’t just get stuck in with the household chores without getting in a put down to you.

I think you need to learn about irony.

Whenever you ask someone to do something, it basic manners to say please at the end of the sentence.

I refuse to do something for someone if they are rude about it and yes I do the sarcastic 'please' with my daughter when she has no manners.

I can't not say please and thank you. It's so ingrained in me.

I'm well polite

I think you are silly 🤷‍♀️.

I agree, Sparkl. In our family we do things for each other because we want to, not because someone has tacked on an arbitrary please to the end of the sentence.

I’m very polite outside the home but if I had to remind myself to preface EVERY request at home with please I’d feel like I was living with strangers.

I think it’s fine to say please but also fine to forego the please if you’re in a family where people do things for each other out of love.

Because you lack them, mate.

That’s not very well mannered now, is it? 🤣

Because I told you you need to learn to read nuance?

I think there's a lot more going on here than just being annoyed about being told to say please.

I'm the same. I think with some people there's casual politeness for home and 'proper politeness' for outside the home. Like with members of my family I might say, 'Any chance you can do me x favour/Don't suppose you could do x when you get a chance?' It's perfectly polite, but adding please would make it sound too formal within my lot, almost sounding deliberately formal, like I was pissed off!

What? You don’t think it’s ironic that someone would rudely tell someone else to learn about manners?