To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

MNHQ seem to be getting the banhammer out, well done everyone who reported. @Dayzychains I hope this shows you how much sympathy/empathy there is for you on this thread, and I hope you can draw some strength and support from this. xx

I think this is where I'm being unreasonable.

I want him to offer to support me. I don't want to have to ask him for support. I want him to do for me what I would do for him.

Really sorry about the loss of your mum. None of us know how we will be in this situation of unimaginable grief and also the joy of a new baby.

Ask your husband what support you exactly need so he isn't left guessing what you think might help you.

Different people react to grief in different ways and he might not even react in the way you think he might until he experiences first hand.

I often feel this way about my DH, he has ASD and sometimes struggles to empathise and know when I need comfort and support. I’ve learnt over the years that if I voice what support I need he’s great but if I don’t he completely misses the mark. It can be frustrating because to you it’s obvious what support he should offer, but to him he might think he’s doing the right thing. You need to tell him how your feeling x

Definitely, or that morning perhaps.

How far away is the lunch?

Is there a version of events where you can go together to visit your mum’s grave in the morning, and then DH takes baby to lunch and leaves a bit early to be back by bedtime?

Well what do you expect him to do instead then as it sounds like you don’t want to celebrate it?

He should pop around to see his mother on Mother's Day with a gift & card then come back to you.
You're a mother now. You're the mother of his child. A child that isn't going to be capable yet of giving of you cards & presents.
Is he going to spend every future Mother's Day with his mother ignoring the mother of his child?

Clearing out my Mother's desk after she died I found a carefully dated huge pile of cards, Mother's Day, Xmas & birthdays.
For the first few years my Dad wrote them & it was obvious he put the pen in my hand & I did a wobbly cross. Once I started to scrawl/write then I would sign them!
He used to see his mother the week before Mother's Day, take her out for a meal & leave a card & pressie.
But after I was born?
Mother's Day was all about the mother of his child.

Thank you all for your replies. Its been really helpful reading different perspectives.

I'm going to take today to try and think about it (as much as I can on 3 hours sleep!) and try to find time to talk to him when he's home.

I think what has made me a bit more hurt is that he knows how chaotic things are at home. The baby needs to be held constantly and so it's impossible to eat anything other than a biscuit or piece of fruit with the baby and you have to hold the baby even when on the toilet, so it feels like my treat for.mothers day was being really sad and also absolutely fucking knackered, whereas he gets a nice meal out and is waited on on mother's day. I doubt he sees it this way however, so I think a good talk is needed.

I've said, further up the thread, how I would ideally like to have spent the day. I don't expect this however, but it would be nice to be given some space to grieve.

This is beautiful. Sorry for your loss xx

just tell him what you want to do

its his first time celebrating you on mothers day too so doesn’t know the new routine

mothers day is about you now

I think your husband has dealt with it as well as could be expected. He raised the matter gently, asked you what you want and has accepted your answer. But it is not reasonable to expect him to cancel Mothers Day for his own mother because of your loss.

I’m probably veering away from the crowd with this comment but how emotionally unaware does one have to be to not realise that leaving a grieving mother of a young colicky baby on her first Mother’s Day as a mother and her first Mothers Day without her own mother to sit at home, alone with her baby is verging on cruel?! SURELY it is common sense?!

There are lots of PPs saying “well you need to tell him how you feel” but really?! I can fairly accurately preempt how my husband would feel in/react to certain circumstances and would act accordingly, but men seem to be unable to do this?!

Going against the grain. I lost my mil last January after a 7 week illness. So DH was in a bad place last mothers day.
We did absolutely nothing and I received just a card from kids and I posted about this on mumsnet and the fact I could have gone out with my mum and I got blasted.

You are his wife and mother to his child and you have just lost your own mother, you should be his priority and your mil should also understand that. He could pop see her in the morning for an hour or take her for lunch on the Saturday, to free up the day for supporting you.

Totally agree

Oh I agree @Feralgremlin but I am just very aware that the OP must be feeling quite fragile at the moment and didn't want to go in guns blazing. This wouldn't be a conversation in my house, mine would know what I needed and be there but OP is dealing with enough at the minute. If it needs spelling out to him then so be it. I just hope he listens.

So your mother's day will be the same as any other? Except you'll feel even worse?

No, I don't think he's being that thoughtful. I think you need to have a calm conversation with him and explain how you really feel

And if his mum is that wonderful she'll understand.

MIL from hell klaxon alert.

A bit unhinged to make a new account - and you're calling others drama llamas?

You seem to have no interest in engaging with what I'm actually saying. I'm open to hearing that I'm unreasonable, but you're continuously inferring that I'm banning my husband from seeing his mother when, in fact, the exact inverse is true.

Re: my behaviour post loss - again, RTFT.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother.

I csn see both sides and i think your husband has been sensitive to you, and your hurt feelings are very valid.

The thought of celebrating anything must feel so alien at the moment. I remember having a miscarriage and then mothers day fell on my actual birthday and it was like the worst day of my life. Reminders everywhere!

Here is a suggestion.

Go out for mother's day and do just that. Have a place set for your mother and spend the day remeniscing the memories of her. Toast her, pass photos around. Celebrate motherhood and it's scaredness.

You said your mil is lovely, invite her in. Has she lost her mother? Talk about how it feels to lose a mother. Talk about her mother.

Talk about your hopes as a new mother.

Your mother lives on in you and your new baby.

That's my advice. Celebrate and mourn. You can do both.

💐

Oh my !

It's the Ops special day too? Is that ignored ? Or the emotional support for her not having her mother.

I have only read your posts so apologies if I'm repeating others but I think this year your partner should celebrate mother's day with his mother on another day a meal out of the Saturday maybe or the following Sunday with a short visit on mother's day so that he can prioritise you on mother's day.
The firsts of all the special dates are going to be hard and you need your husband by yourself to navigate your wah through especially when you are in an emotionally vulnerable place with a small and unsettled baby. this is one of those situations where being a good partner takes priority over being a good son.

It's impossible for me and my partner to both celebrate mother's and father's day with our respective parents. Handily we each have a family birthday next to either of them. The holiday that next to my family's birthday gets celebrated by me and we see my partners parents the week before or after. Everyone is happy as long as they get to see us near the holiday and that we acknowledge it even if it's early or late. For Christmas we go to the family most in need of seeing us so usually the family that has had the hardest year or newest bereavement. Life doesn't have to run by the calender and it doesn't have to be exactly equal you just have to find a situation that feels fair.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the coming weeks and months aren't too challenging for you .

You have valid feelings.
You possibly will feel as bereft for years. Loosing your Mum is a life long loss.
Your DH did nothing wrong.
You will feel the loss whether at home or eating lunch with people who love you.
I would give the lunch a go. You are a new mother.
You deserve to have Mother's Day and to remember the one who would normally have been there with you, proud and delighted in your child.

Lunch with your loving DH and with your baby and also with your MIL who maybe knows what it is like to loose a mother.

You could be yourself, but well fed..

Decide on the day. Accompany your DH or stay home.

An all day meal and drinks event doesn't suit a young baby

He needs to see his mum but not for all that time