To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

Your daughter loves you so much because you’re an amazing mum. To be honest, that’s all that matters

I had mine very young, as my mum had been older when she had me - well, by the way she went on about it you’d have thought she was 60. In fact, she was only 35.

Anyway, that left me wanting to be a young mum, and to be honest, I regret it. Looking back, I was in no way ready, and I’m sure I’d have been a much better mum with a few more years on my back.

I wouldn’t change my kids, but I would change when I had them. The point is, I can’t. And neither can you. Don’t ruin your experience of motherhood pointlessly, OP.

And incidentally, have you looked into perimenopausal anxiety?

Bit dramatic OP. This is fairly average among my friendship group. It would never occur to any of us to be embarrassed about our age, and some of my friends who had children in their 40’s are incredible role models in my eyes.

I'm so sorry 😔

Well, I’m 70 with a 30 year old and a 27 year old. We are still moving/ building furniture with them, up ladders painting their houses, helping cutting the hedges (100feet privet nightmare). Before I retired I was the one with the payment apps on phone, way ahead of my middle aged colleagues discussing indie bands with the younger ones. My kids aren’t ashamed of me, still hugging us.
You might be having a bit of a wobble, but being older parents is nowhere near all bad.

I’m closer in age to some of the Grannies at DS play group rather than most of the mums. I’m not sure that many of them have even noticed. DS Dad is often mistaken for his grandad, though. DS might care when he’s older, don’t know…

Well I will be fifty when DS is 10. When I was ten my mum was forty nine, never bothered me and actually a couple of my friends had parents about the same age.
Never gave a toss how old anyone's parents were
You are making it in to a big thing but it really isn't. You don't have to tell anyone how old you are but it doesn't matter. I can't work out why you're so worried about it.

Op I'm having a similar midlife crisis- and there is nothing I can do about it.

Like all parents I pray I see both my kids into independence.
I'm terrified something happens to one of us and the other really struggles to raise the kids alone. The women who I know that have been widowed have ended up needing tons of grandparents support- except the grandparents would all be too old to really help.

I know that doesn't really help but it is what it is.

Believe me, she does not care

I get it OP I do. I remember worrying I wouldn’t meet someone in time to have children & being very reassured about all the mum’s having children in their 40’s. Then I had my DD at 39 & I feel similarly to you. She’s very interested in our ages at the moment & asking if we’ll still be alive when she grows up. The absolutely worst thing is that 3 years ago i was diagnosed with cancer at stage 4. I had an amazing brief period of remission before it returned. I really try to stay positive that with new treatments I could kick the can down the road as long as possible. But it honestly breaks my heart that I might leave her early. None of us know what the future holds OP, we can’t perfectly curate our lives. Life can be very unpredictable.

You are being ridiculous. Get a grip!
you are a totally normal age for a parent of a 9 year old.

My friend group (I'm 40) includes someone who had her first and only child at 17 and someone who has just had her first at 41. I don't have any. I have lesbian friends who have twins. We've all been 'judged.' I wouldn't worry about it. You'll be judged for reproductive choices by others whatever path you choose so you might at well not do it to yourself. Enjoy your little girl x

OK your 50 and?

So you're spending your time with your child panicking over a fact

If this is true you could benefit from mental health support

Yeah I hear you. Turning 50 is scary. But you need to calm the absolute fuck down and stop projecting all your angst into your daughter. Because, at the end of the day what are you going to do about it? Stop being her mom? Stop being fifty? Invent a Time Machine and chage the past? Good luck with any of that. Calm down, drop your shoulders, and get the fuck on with enjoying your girl.

Oh my goodness. I never said I'm pretty!!!!!! I'm not pretty!!!!
And I'm not young......did you read my OP? The whole point is that I'm fretting about being old! So how can you say I'm boasting about being young? 🙄
Yes I said someone I know thought I was 10 years younger. Am I not allowed to speak about that?
And yes I am fit. I have never smoked. Never taken drugs. I very rarely drink alcohol. I do light exercise and I eat healthily (most of the time). I'm very fortunate not to have any long term health conditions. I don't take any medication. That's what i mean by being fit. What's wrong with that?
I never said anywhere that I'm better than anyone else.

I'll be 50 next year, 5 months before my ds will turn 10yo. Can't say I've thought about it too much. Ds certainly won't have.

My mum was 37 when she had me. This wasn’t that common in the 70’s, or it didn’t seem to me to be. As a child, I thought it would be weird to have a young mum (some of my friends’ mums weren’t much older than my sisters) and felt a bit sorry for people who didn’t have my lovely proper mum.

It sounds like you are a lovely mum.

I'm 52. My oldest is nearly 22. My youngest will be 11 this year.
We are in the same boat OP but I am not remotely embarrassed.
I rock.
I do have fears about health and Covid worried me not for me but what my youngest would do if I pegged it.
But embarrassed about my age. Hell to the no.
I am a very immature woman in any case.

Well you can’t put her back, can you?!

honestly people waste so much time worrying about shit that doesn’t matter.

i had an old mum. She worried about this for years, but neither me nor any of my friends were aware she was at least 10 years older than most of my friend’s mums.

in fact, she was younger in outlook because she’d lived a life before having kids and was very open minded.

No I haven't, but is this a thing? I've been feeling anxious about lots of different things recently and I don't know why because I have never, ever suffered with anxiety before, but I sure am feeling hyper anxious about this. It's really horrible. A great big anxious knot of worry in my tummy all the time about it.

My dm had me at 23 and l was totally embarrassed by her as a teenager ..because she was my mum! My sister was born years later and never went through a stage of being embarrassed and was so close to her all her life. If your dd, as a teen, suffers from embarrassment it won't be because of your age and she will grow out of it.
Stop wasting time and energy worrying about this.

I’m in your position and my youngest is 1 and I’m 41. Just how life turns out. Make the most of it she sounds adorable x

I wondered if this research might make you feel any better www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/28/326163561/older-moms-take-heart-you-may-be-more-likely-to-live-longer

When I was ten, my DM was 55 and I thought she was ancient.
My oldest daughter is ten, and she thinks I’m ancient. I’m 31.
It is what it is and children don’t have much of a concept of age so doubt she’s embarrassed! She loves you for who you are, not how old you are.

My only DC was 6 when I turned 50. My feeling has always been that we were lucky to finally succeed in becoming parents in our 40s and to enjoy that feeling. Sounds like you have a lovely DD and you shouldn’t worry about being a few years different in age from the average mum