To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

Aw, OP, please don’t worry. My mam had me at 42 and I’m 25 now, she’s still well enough. Walks the dogs, drives happily, shops online etc etc. I do have a decent relationship but honestly I wouldn’t be lost if she died now. I’m buying a 5 bed house, getting married in 2 months and will hopefully have children of my own in the next few years. I am definitely an adult and old enough if the worst happens.

Unfortunately friends didn’t have the same experience. One friends mam was 14 when she had her. She unfortunately passed away at 24, there are no guarantees.

Also My dad is still going strong at almost 80 and as fit as he was in my childhood. Just enjoy your lovely girl

At least she's unlikely to be supporting an elderly parent when she's in her 70s. I can tell you, that's not fun.

I hear this. It's likely to be me, and I've seen my mum do it, too.

OP, there's nothing you can do about this. You had a child when you did. That's life.

You’re her mum. She loves you whether you’re 50 or 20.
My mum was older - I was the youngest of 3 children.
And then when I was 17, Mum sat me down, panicked and mortified, and told me that she was pregnant. She was positively horrified.
I thought it was great because I always wanted a younger sibling.
Turned out it was the beginning of menopause lol.
You’re fine, @AshdownForest— your daughter wouldn’t trade you in for a younger model, just like none of us would our own mums.

I had DS2 at 40. I am now 44 and in his Reception class there are at least 2 children with mums my age or older and another about 41/42. It's not unusual at all.

This is so a you thing. Maybe you have younger mothers around you, but at our school, I am just an average mum. Not even one of the oldest. I have made friends with several women who are older than me. One wonderful one is 53 and we have great craic together. As do our dc.

I am 43 and dc1 is 7. I also have a 13 month old and am feeling grand about my wee one going to school there. I will be one of the older ones by then, but just one of them.

I do a baby activity every week day. I have only met 1 mother under 30. Most people I meet are older, have established careers and can afford to be part time, and flexible with work. That is why they can do baby classes probably.

Are you surrounded by younger mothers?

Thanks for all your encouragement and reassurance everyone, your posts are very positive, thank you🙏

There have always been 50 year olds with 9 year olds OP. Before the pill, it was commonplace and even way back then, some women met their partners later in life. My maternal grandmother had her children at 38, 39 and 44!

Nowadays, there's such an age range of mothers in the school playground and friendships form whatever the ages. I think it's anxiety OP, you'll probably find when you turn 51 it won't be such an issue.... 50 is a just a milestone that's all.

OP please calm down.
you are fit and healthy
your child is happy
you work and provide for her
you are mature and know what a child needs
you enjoy spending time together
you have a solid relationship

to put it in perspective I was in a cafe today with my friend. Bunch of young 20 something mums in their 20s/30s next to us. All unhealthy looking, kids gawping at screens, not using cutlery properly (the adults) and they made a huge mess of the table and were rude to the waitress. Now I am sure not all are like that, but I would take you as a better mum anyday than them, even though they were 20 years younger than you!

FWIW one of my best friends is just a couple of years older than you. I am just 33 but she is more youthful than me haha she has just changed career, hiked up a mountain in New Zealand, runs 3 times a week, and is a right giggle at a party.

What’s striking is you don’t mention your first child at all.

You seem quite self-absorbed, OP.

Have you been to school pick up recently there are parents of all ages

Honestly OP it's no biggie. I had my dc at 38 so not much younger than you. He is 23 now and I honestly don't ever think that I was nearly 40 when I had him after trying for 11years!

You are fit and at 50 you are not old. You have a fantastic relationship with your daughter which will deepen as the years go by. Just enjoy being her Mum as literally nothing else matters.

BTW I live in a village too, not that it matters. You are her Mum she is your daughter nothing can change that.

In the nicest possible way, you are the only person who cares. And it’s not even unusual?

Oh love 😔 don't be hard on yourself, you sound like a wonderful mum with a gorgeous daughter. It doesn't sound at all like she gives a hoot what age you are! She loves you and won't be embarrassed by you at all! My advice is to concentrate on the here and now and enjoy it - we none of us know how long we'll be here. You could have another 50 years! Don't think too far into the future, live in the now!

I feel the same as OP but we have no family and no cousins so I'm more anxious about them being alone. 😔

I was older than you when I had DS.

The average age my friends had children is nudging 40. I don’t know any parents in their 20’s or early 30’s. One had their DC at 35 and everyone thought she was way too young!

It is far more normal nowadays to be older parents.

My Mum was 39 having me (Dad was 40), and growing up I never felt they were old parents. They were very traditional I suppose, but then so were lots of my friends’ parents in my/their circle and it was just how it was. I’m the youngest with quite a gap between me and my siblings (bonus baby!), so maybe having my siblings around helped.

The downside I’d say is that the switchover to worrying about elderly parent issues started earlier for me than most of my contemporaries. From my perspective, my advice would be to try to be as fit and healthy as you possibly can. One of my parents was much better at this than the other, and that parent has fared better getting older. The other had health problems and just declined so quickly, and didn’t have the mindset to try to rehab back to where they were after each bump so their final years were just miserable for everyone, and I would absolutely hate finding myself living line that. This is advice everyone should heed really, but the stronger you are going into any storm (be that health issues or just general aging issues) the better you will weather it.

She adores you, you adore her. That's what matters, not your (perfectly fine / normal) age. I think you may be projecting the pain/ panic of turning 50 onto her (remember : given the alternative, ageing isn't that bad!)

but also, if you'd had kids earlier, you wouldn't have had the same gorgeous ones you do have. Your daughter only exists because you had her then.

My mum had me at 38/39 and I’m now 34 with a 71 year old mum. She isn’t old and decrepit and no sort of burden. She still looks after me!! When I was a kid I used to think my mum was boring because she didn’t let me do the same things kids with younger mums would. (Sleep overs, staying out late, being aloud to go to town with friends as a child etc) As a woman I am blessed to have had a mum who was wise. It’s made me excel amongst my peers and Ive never been in danger because she was preoccupied with living out her youth or her own life. Instead she was a full time committed parent with me at the forefront. I’ve not rushed to have kids young so that they don’t have to go through what I went through because I only hope to be the type of mother I had one day.if anything I haven’t let societal pressures push me into having kids in my 20s because I have first hand evidence that being nearly 40 before becoming a parent is a great idea!! I’ve seen my friends have kids in their 20,s and sometimes cringed at how selfish they were. (Not saying all young mums are but in comparison to how I was raised- coming first in every way) You’re likely a better mum than you would have been if you had her younger hence your relationship. I thank god for gifting me with mine. Don’t worry because Having the best mum until your 50 vs having a so so mum until you’re 70 is no comparison. Quality over quantity.

Have I missed something… OP mentions having 2 children but the eldest child is mentioned in passing. Only concerned about the youngest?

Don't underestimate yourself.

Bet you're a great mum.

Older mums are the norm now. Because younsters cannot buy houses, or get permanent jobs .
Sad but true .

What an odd way of thinking. I had my youngest when I was 4 months off my 40th birthday. I've never been embarrassed about my age and feel quite offended by your comments.

last sept a good friend had her 11 and 12 baby at 52(3rd set of twins)
she 3 months pregnant again, will be 53 having this one and says she's will continue until she cant any more

since late 30s she being using a herbal version of clomid, which she's adamant works

had her first at 17 and is a grandmother as well

her 2 daughters in their 20s have 5/6 each as well
they brings all the kids to my home ed group and are a great family
they all live on a farm and bring so much to the home ed group
group is actually 5 mins from their farm and they allow the kids to visit and teach them so much

all the kids in the group call her nanny lil

she doesn't care one bit about her age and the group kids don't think anything of the other kids having a mother that age, dad is 57

im 43 and have a 19 and 13 y old
i would love a 3rd baby
im 43 going on 30
age wouldnt bother me one bit(whispers ,i just need sperm as im single)

Right well now I'm terrified! I'm 40 with a 6m old and trying for next one. I am basically previously you.
I'm hoping I feel young at 40, so I'll feel young at 50. I still think we're cool, but maybe just maybe we're old fogeys

LOL in 3+ years she may well think you are a boring old saddo. Because she will be a teenager and you're her Mum.
My parents had my older brother and me when they were 28/29 and 30 and by the time we were teenagers they were sad nagging oldies who we hated to be seen with because they were so uncool and embarrassing. Hope that cheers you up OP 😁

My relative had her daughter at 43. Her daughter is now 20 and the two of them have a great relationship.