To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

Completely empathise with this situation. My eldest is 24, youngest 7, I'm 49. Not in the best health. I find myself having frequent conversations with my eldest about what would happen in "worst case scenario", as I regret that my youngest will not have the same length of time with me, or support of a mother through a large part of his adult life. This also places a burden on my eldest. I'm currently working to make every day "count".
Yes, parents can die at any age but, statistically, you are more likely to die when you are older. I don't regret having a child so late, but it does feel selfish to do so and, when planned, is usually considered with the parent in mind as opposed to the best interests of the child.

Haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to say I’m 37 with a 9 year old and his best friends mum is 51 and she’s my best friend! Age doesn’t matter that much, and in fact the positives are she has a good career much more stable than the younger mums and is in a better financial situation to support her children than people my age. I don’t think her kids are embarrassed or even care how old she is - maybe that will come in teen years, but teens will find anything to be embarrassed about their parents for anyway.

My daughter had her first child at 45, another with fertility problems, never thought it would happen to her after all the years they had tried, got caught during Covid, was told child would be a Downs baby, but was told far too late to be able to make any decisions about it, they decided to accept what they were given.
All is well child is fine happy and content, very bright and funny.
Daughter looks at least 10 years younger, dresses younger, says best thing that could of happened to them, they have lots of positives being an older parent, more settled in marriage, no money worries, no mortgage, both work part time 5 days over 4 days so they can enjoy their child, where they live there are others similar age group all fit in well together.
Be happy you have a content child who loves you so much.

But this "content" child will one day be without her parents to love, and much sooner than a child with younger parents.
Lots of positives for older parents that you speak of, the only thing missing is the lack of years to give, and no amount of money or possessions is worth more than time.

That’s heartwarming!

Bleakmidwinter1977
Oops meant obviously contented.
In reply to your comments, TBH all children lose their parents sooner or later, but they will have memories of their parents down to how they are loved and cared for now, a happy stable loving childhood is everything and is what sets them up for the rest of their life.
Having had my children very young i can see the benefits of older parenting in comparison. Financial stability, career established, usually more patience, more life experience, more time, better decision making as have more life experience

OP posted she felt like she has let her daughter down by being a bit older, surely any child so long as loved and cared for in a stable environment is happier.

Research says children born of older parents tend to have more positive long term outcomes in life.

We will just have to agree to disagree.

I think that's a bit harsh nobody knows how long they have in front of them. Yes there are examples like my dad who had his youngest at 56 and left a 15 year old when he died at 71 but he was a better parent to her in that time than he was to me who he had at 23 and didn't bother with till I met him aged 28.
I was a teen mum and can see how much I didn't parent like I would now in my 50s. Luckily I am a better grandparent. Not saying I was a complete failure but I wish I had had more security and time. And planned children rather than thinking oh I'm pregnant and learning everything about babies from the Miriam Stoppard bible.

But this "content" child will one day be without her parents to love, and much sooner than a child with younger parents.

My parents were 16 when they had me. My mum died at 43.
You have no idea how life will pan out......

But you are more LIKELY to die the older you are. I am an older mum, with younger and older children. My health deterioration is linked to age. I made a decision to have a child as an older parent. In hindsight, I can see how selfish it was. My oldest child will have benefited from an additional 20 years of parental care and love than my youngest, and my eldest will be burdened with the responsibility of my youngest when I am not here.

If it helps I'm early 50s with a 9 year old! Have never given age a second thought, apart from thinking 'I'm too old for these tantrums'.I have a family member who was a grandmother at age 38 but still nope, just thought that was ridiculously young to have a grandchild. No one has ever said anything, I may make my own jokes about being an older Mum but wouldn't be offended. Me and DH have been blessed to have our one and only child later in life and there is no way we would let anything spoil that. We're older, we're tougher and anyway most parents are too involved and stressed dealing with their own darlings to think about others unless particularly judgemental.

Please embrace it. Xx

I was 41 when I had my DS, he's 9 almost 10 in a few months too. I’ll be 51 just after he turns 10. Age is just a number , I work and play hard and he doesn’t miss out on anything that a younger mum would do in my opinion. My friends thought I was barmy starting all over again as I have a DD who is 25 so a 16 year gap! if you allow yourself to freak out about it, she will only pick up on it more…. In my experience kids all think their parents are ancient even if they are not!
The only thing I can’t join him in doing is dry slope skiing as my knees are knackered , ironically from too much skiing in my youth ! Stick your Chin up and boobs out and be proud ! Xx

Oh hush. I am exactly the same as you but a few years down the line.

I'm one of the oldest if not the oldest mum in my dc class.

I'm also the coolest mum and all the dc love me. The girls hang around me and the boys tell my dc I'm hot.

Age phfft

@Bleakmidwinter1977
But this "content" child will one day be without her parents to love, and much sooner than a child with younger parents.
Lots of positives for older parents that you speak of, the only thing missing is the lack of years to give, and no amount of money or possessions is worth more than time.

If you are worried about probabilities then I assume you think anyone with cancer or heart disease or any other illness that is genetically linked shouldn't have dc.

Absolutely. There are many instances of genetic conditions where individuals have made a conscious decision to not have children so as not to risk passing on genetic issues which could potentially be profoundly disabling.
Other genetic linked illnesses don't necessarily result in death or disability.
However, choosing to have a child in the knowledge that you will potentially have 20/30 years with them on a good day, then I'm inclined to see this not being in the child's best interests.
Even if you are lucky enough to live to 90, or older, you will be more likely to burden your child with the responsibility of your care/loss at a much younger age.

What an apt username you have- are you so doom and gloom about everything? There’s pills for that.

None of it matters a jot. Life is not meant to be perfect. We all have good elements and less ideal elements, it’s all that light and shade that makes life what it is.

Suspect your kids are more bothered by having a doom monger parent than being actually fussed about your age.

Love isn’t measured in time either. If a child is loved for 5 years of fifty it’s the same. Longer isn’t the same as better.

@Bleakmidwinter1977 However, choosing to have a child in the knowledge that you will potentially have 20/30 years with them on a good day, then I'm inclined to see this not being in the child's best interests.

20 or 30 years??? My parents both lived well into their 90s. I'm fitter than most of the parents 15 years younger than me.

Agreed, life is not perfect, most people have enough issues to deal with that they can't plan for. A parent should be thinking about their child's best interests, not theirs.

In same boat , 11 year old and I'm 52 but she doesn't care and I don't look that ancient or different from her friends mothers who are in their 40s, not sure what your problem is

My mum had me when she was forty, I was her second, she had my sister at thirty seven. There's nothing to worry about. Sounds like you're a great mum, with a happy child, Relax and enjoy it.

I'm 38 with 3 children. 16, 10, 11. My youngest, also daughter, exactly like yours behaviour wise. My eldest I am always butting heads with because I feel too...inexperienced to deal with the attitude and temper/hormones? I also sometimes regret not waiting until I was 40/45 to start having children, because from experience and watching the world around me; it just seems like the right age to have children. I wish I had given myself a chance to travel and do things for -me- before having children.

I only think you feel this way because Mum's get younger and younger, instead of investing in themselves.

I don't feel you're old, though. Nowhere near retirement, not an OAP, you don't nee round the clock care, you're still fit - I mean, look at Madonna! I want to be her. I think it's great us women are waking up to our bodies and realising we do not need to conform, because age really is just a number. Please don't waste your time dwelling on your age - Enjoy your daughter, enjoy being here, enjoy every single moment. Your life is still fresh and new when you've an almost 10yr old, you don't realise how baby faced they still are at that age. Tiny knuckles, baby hairs, soft skin, downy lashes...and you have it all in the palm of your hand, at a fantastic age where you can give her a plethora of advice from the experiences you have lived.

I do a lot of studying as a student with the OU, part of it being Social Sciences - The trend at the moment is showing girls coming away from teenage pregnancies, putting their foot down, and wanting to have children at a better age in life from late 30's onwards. I talk to my daughter about this, listen to her conversations with her friends, colleagues children, friends children; and I am just so pleased to hear all of their daughter's reaching for the stars instead of boys&babies!

Relish this era we are living in because you've a little girl who is going to watch your every word and move.

So, put that sexy little black dress on and make the school gate Dad's dribble.

your daughter is also not a “tiny little girl” if she’s 10.

So many comments focusing on a child being embarrassed about having an older parent, but the OP has made it quite clear that is not the case - she is the one who is embarrassed. And, as I said earlier, I have no idea why she should feel that way or even if "embarrassed" is the word she is looking for, as the word is defined as "feeling shy, uncomfortable, ashamed or guilty about something". And why would she have any reason to feel those things? I'm at a loss... maybe she feels unusual, unorthodox, out of step with her peers - but not "embarrassed" in the usual sense of the word. (Not that she's unusual in any way, but that's how she perceives the situation.)

This is so odd. So the OP had the baby at 39. What's a reasonable age then? 31? 32? Surely NO ONE is suggesting 32 is too old to give birth. Is which case the OP is a grand total of 7 years older. Have you seen people? The difference between 7 years is completely lost once people are over about 45. Some 50 year olds are like old people. Others are really really youthful. Having a young child is more likely to place you in the youthful category as you inevitably end up being exposed to youth constantly. New music, fashion, attitudes etc.

And 7 years??? Is this really what someone would get embarrassed about?
What about 34. Is that too old? That's only 5 years younger than the OP was.

I’m 38 & my DM is 78 and going strong. Friends with much younger arenas no longer have them around.

im sorry to hear you have health concerns that have left you with this view, but it isn’t a fact that older parents will have less time with their kids.

At the OU do they not also discuss that these days women don't tend to put on a lbd to please men. And quite honestly making the school gates dads dribble is an image I'm pretty sure is the last thing on most mum's minds on the school run whatever their age.