To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I was 35 when I had my first, 39 when I had my 2nd. My DM was 35 when she had me and her DM was 46! It actually means I have a Victorian Grandmother which I think is rather fun. I was very close to my DM as she was to hers. My DCs are now 21 and 25. We have a really good relationship. They probably keep me young as no one believes me when I tell them my age, and I have a chuckle about it.

Talk about glass half-empty...

There was a time when my late mother would collect her child benefit and pension from the Post Office at the same time, such was the age difference between my siblings. 😀

No need to feel embarrassed. Although not necessarily where you live as you'vesaid it's a smallish place. There are a lot of older parents. My daughter was 38 when she had her first. I was 51 when I brought home newborn. He is now almost 14 and doesn't worry about my age. I also have a 4 year-old that I brought home 4 years ago. Both preemies, adopted both. So I have grandchildren older than they are.
I will be 65 next month, don't feel that old most of the time. I expect to be around for at least another 20+ years(women live a long time in my family).

I am in the same position. I got married at 20, had 5 years of sterility treatment (get goose bumps just thinking it}. I had my youngest of 4 at 39. The first time I even register it was when one of my daughter's friends told her she had come over to play but Granny '(that was me} said she was out !!!!! My daughter thought it was HILARIOUS but I didn't initially.

I think I had noticed all through the process from maternity swimming classes through the delivery waiting room, pre-school, junior school, that I looked old enough to be the others' mother. Since the Grannie episode, it became a ort of family joke.

Instead of feeling they are at a disadvantage, they feel privileged. I always reckoned that we made better parents since we had 15 yrs head-start on most couples. We are a very touchy-feely family which sounds like yours.

I reckon you have the best of both worlds : the advantage of a better grasp on life but looking 10 years younger. Don't fret, it's what your kids feel that matters and it doesn't sound as though she has a problem. Don't fret - no point anyway - you can't change anything !

My friend’s mum developed an abdominal tumour when she was 50.
She ignored it for as long as she could but after awhile, it became too large and too bothersome so she went back to the GP.
That tumour turned out to be my friend.
It wasn’t something friend’s mum planned on but she was an excellent mother and lived until she was 100-something.
My friend was never embarrassed - on the contrary, she and her mum were very close and had a very loving relationship.
It’s all what you make of it, I think.

Just read your post with interest. Enjoy the fact that she clearly loves you. Mother love is not about age. I had a baby at 54. He is 15 now and I am 69. I never regretted a second of it. My son is a popular well adjusted happy boy who loves his life and gave me back a future after the loss of my daughter.
i published a book about my journey “The Future is Rosie” to inspire and give hope to those who don’t believe these things are possible. Love your kids that’s all that matters!

I was slightly older, mine are heading for 30 now. It has never been a problem. Enjoy your lovely daughter

My brother's best mate has just become a father at 45-46 literally two days ago. I honestly doubt your daughter cares. There are plenty of people ten years your junior who are less than ideal parents so as long as you do the stuff that matters your daughter will already be in a better place than many.

We are so much more trendy nowadays and up to date Many women have babies when they are older for what ever reason You have a brilliant relationship with her so welcome and be proud of all the achievements you have done Well done you

I was 40 when my DS was born. We adopted him when he was 3 and when he started nursery I expected to be the oldest mum at the door. Oh no I wasn't. There were many other mums of a similar age, and that was over 15 years ago.

So I am now 62 and he is 22.

If anything, having him has kept me younger in my ways than I might otherwise have been. We went out to celebrate his birthday recently, just me and him, both got quite tiddly on cocktails and ended up at a local fairground. We had such a fun day. I don't think my mum would have been on the waltzers at 62 after spending the afternoon in a cocktail bar. But I have friends the same age with kids the same age and would think nothing of it.

Don't worry, age is just a number, it's who you are that counts.

My dad had me when he was 20 so thought he was goi g to be around to see great grandchildren. However he died when he was 58 and I was 38 and my youngest sibling was just 28, so just because you have your children at an older age doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to get less time with them. Hoping you can push through this anxiety and enjoy your daughter. Xx

I had an eight year old at 50. I now have a 12 year old. But she knows quite a few people with mums the same age. She isn’t embarrassed by my age, although this might change as she becomes a teenager! The things she does get embarrassed by - my singing and dancing in public, or taking people to task when they’re out of order are not age-related!!

Also, I used to work until recently for a woman in her nineties. She was telling me that when she was young, it was common to see women in their forties having babies. I’m not sure how old my great grandmother was when she had her youngest, but there was only a few years between my dad and his aunt - and my grandma was late 20s when she had my dad.

Well, of course it was. It's only postponing starting to have a first child that's a much newer thing. There's an old expression in Irish for a 'just ahead of the menopause' baby.

You are an absolute QUEEN!!! Do not worry! Can I just say you have been able to give that little lady everything and more. You have grown and established yourself before having kids. More mums should do this. The one thing I will say is just look after your appearance. No shade, but at school we had a mature mum and everyone thought it was her grandma dropping off and picking up. Imagine Deirdre Barlow vibes. So IMO as long as you embrace your little lady she will keep you young!

I’m 53 with a 10 year old and a 21 year old. I certainly am not over the hill or ready to be dismissed as an OAP! I’ll be working until I’m 70 anyway.

i have good friends in their early 40’s and one of my best friends is planning her 60th party. We aren’t any different from each other on what we can do. Age is just a number - so long as you keep “with it” and keep fit (i do more exercise now than than when I was 40) .

and it’s a parents job to be embarrassing to their children - whether you are 30 or 60 so I'm afraid that’s a given how ever old you are !

enjoy your time with her now while you are the centre of her world - it’s wonderful and you can build those bonds that will mean she’ll want to call you every few days while at uni to tell you about her day (which my 21 year old does) being too clingy. don’t overshadow it with your own anxiety as it will become self fulfilling.

@OriginalBirds what’s the expression, that would be interesting to know!

38 year old new mum here with 46 DP so biased… but my DM also had me at 40.

my DM is very much alive & present, she seems younger than many of her friends that are her age (which I partially put down to her being around younger people for longer). Many of her friends are 10 years younger than her & there isn’t a noticeable difference imo.

she is very actively involved & relies upon for childcare with my 2x DN’s & my DD.

she’s also very much alive BBC & kicking without any health concerns other than a wee bit of arthritis in her hands. Friends have had parents pass away much younger because of other health concerns.

are us just a number, look after yourself, stay present, and hope for good health… but stop fretting and just be the wonderful Mum it sounds like you are!

There are a few, but one is 'dríodar an chrúiscín', which literally means the little bit of milk left over at the bottom of the jug, but is often (rather revoltingly) translated as 'the shakings of the sack' or 'the scrapings of the pot'.

If anyone said "Your grand daughter" I would proudly correct them and say "Daughter" and wait for them to apologise. 😁

Is she loved...........yes!
Is she nurtured.......yes!
Does she know it....yes
Then she's a lucky girl, stop worrying

Thanks @OriginalBirds ! Yes, that is quite a revolting translation!

I’m not far off the same - 53 with 17 year old twins - my daughter is definitely a different breed - sassy and challenging but living her life to the full and totally unconcerned about having an aging parent ( standard joke for us since I have arthritis!!). My son on the other hand is ASD with learning difficulties and panics if he gets far away from me and I’m definitely his comfort blanket. But my life experience has made me such a better mum for him and means I can talk to my daughter about pretty much anything so please don’t look at it the way you describe- my mum was 40 when she had me and we had the best relationship and we both always said that having lived life before kids worked out great for us. Your closeness can make her stronger as she grows up and you don’t sound like you are going anywhere soon. Anything can happen at anytime so being an older mum has as many advantages as disadvantages. Sounds like you are smashing it. 🤗

My friend turns 60 this year and her mum still going strong at 101 years old

My own mum is 80 next month and her mum had her at 42. My gran had an 18 and 15 year old and their dad was killed in WW2 then she met my grandad and along came my mum ☺️