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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret I wish I never knew

152 replies

sunshine240778474 · 11/02/2024 10:11

My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 11/02/2024 10:13

Depends who the close family member is. If it's his Dad they are unreasonable expecting you to keep that a secret. If it's Great Auntie Violet then not so much.

GRex · 11/02/2024 10:13

Your loyalty is to your partner and this is not your secret to keep from them.

Blackcats7 · 11/02/2024 10:14

I would tell him. Your loyalty is to him not one of his family.

stcrispinsday · 11/02/2024 10:14

If he ever finds out that you knew about this it will severely damage your relationship. I would tell him without a second thought. Your loyalty is to him, not some random member of his family.

Sk8erboi · 11/02/2024 10:16

I would guess that the person has put this on your shoulders so you would tell your partner.
No one would reasonably think they could share this information and the person wouldn't tell their partner.

I'd tell him.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 11/02/2024 10:17

I'd tell the family member you are not prepared to keep this secret and give them the chance to tell him before you do.

I'd be devastated if DH knew such a secret about me and hadn't told me. I would question the entire foundation of our relationship.

DistinguishedSocialCommenator · 11/02/2024 10:19

Odd comment as your partner not to know but they told you. Very odd.

Beauty65 · 11/02/2024 10:19

Tell him op

DdyDaisyDaresYou · 11/02/2024 10:19

GRex · 11/02/2024 10:13

Your loyalty is to your partner and this is not your secret to keep from them.

This 100%.

I would perhaps give the person who told you a chance to come clean first.

YouveGotAFastCar · 11/02/2024 10:21

Any chance this is some kind of test to see if you’ll tell him?

I can’t see how this would happen, unless you are friends with the family member and know through some other means than because of your relationship.

TeenLifeMum · 11/02/2024 10:23

I’d tell the person who told you that you’re not happy with keeping a secret from your partner, reducing is normal in loving relationships, so they need to tell him within the fortnight or you’ll tell him.

SunnieShine · 11/02/2024 10:24

Sk8erboi · 11/02/2024 10:16

I would guess that the person has put this on your shoulders so you would tell your partner.
No one would reasonably think they could share this information and the person wouldn't tell their partner.

I'd tell him.

And then if it goes to pot, they can say "it's not my fault, I told her not to tell you".

Very sneaky

PinkiOcelot · 11/02/2024 10:24

I don’t think I couldn’t not tell him. I agree with pp that’s perhaps they told you so you would tell him.

Globetrote · 11/02/2024 10:29

Why on earth would his family member tell you something that could have potentially devastating consequences for your partner? That’s really poor of them and I’d wonder if they were shit stirring.

SecondChancesAtLife · 11/02/2024 10:33

Nobody should expect anyone to keep a secret they can’t keep themselves!

Id tell him - if he finds out later on you knew and didn’t tell him he’ll feel angry and betrayed.

Createausername1970 · 11/02/2024 10:41

I am assuming this means DP is not his father's biological son?

This could mean DP was born/conceived before his parents got together or it could mean his mum had an affair.

If this is the relationship you are talking about then I might be tempted to ask the mum for more information before you say anything to DP.

If this is a long-term relationship between you, then you need to tread carefully.

But I agree it's not a secret you can keep from him for any longer than necessary.

FloofCloud · 11/02/2024 11:01

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 11/02/2024 10:17

I'd tell the family member you are not prepared to keep this secret and give them the chance to tell him before you do.

I'd be devastated if DH knew such a secret about me and hadn't told me. I would question the entire foundation of our relationship.

I agree with this ^^

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/02/2024 11:06

I would question the motives of someone who told you something, that they apparently don't want your partner to know, while knowing that you are the most person likely to tell them?

I think it's a case of either they tell him or you do.

I wouldn't allow myself by manipulated in this way.

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 11/02/2024 11:23

It is his grandad he's not biologically related to and his gran told me. We recently named our son after his grandad. My partner was very fond of his grandad. He sometimes regularly says that our baby has some of his grandads features which I know is not possible, and I feel terrible. His grandad died many years ago.

I worry I will upset him and cause his family to fall out.

Yes, I was so shocked that she told me. I really wish she never. I feel I've been put in such and awkward position. I don't want to betray his grans trust, but also not my partners

OP posts:
10ThousandSpoons · 11/02/2024 11:24

sunshine240778474 · 11/02/2024 11:23

It is his grandad he's not biologically related to and his gran told me. We recently named our son after his grandad. My partner was very fond of his grandad. He sometimes regularly says that our baby has some of his grandads features which I know is not possible, and I feel terrible. His grandad died many years ago.

I worry I will upset him and cause his family to fall out.

Yes, I was so shocked that she told me. I really wish she never. I feel I've been put in such and awkward position. I don't want to betray his grans trust, but also not my partners

Then tell her to tell him or you will as the burden is too much for you

notknowledgeable · 11/02/2024 11:26

Tell her you can't keep this secret. She tells him or you do

2chocolateoranges · 11/02/2024 11:26

I would tell my partner as my loyalty is to him however I would tell him that his gran seemed confused and may have been getting mixed up and see what he says.

notknowledgeable · 11/02/2024 11:28

Also, it might not be true, anyway. if the grandad thought the pregancy was his, there must be at least a chance that it was - unless the Grandad knew too, and took on the child as his, in which case, your partner should honour the Grandads wishes and still think of him as Grandad.

Original poster
sunshine240778474 · 11/02/2024 11:30

@2chocolateoranges she's definitely not confused and my partner knows that

OP posts:
ClematisRock · 11/02/2024 11:31

Your loyalty is to your partner not his gran.
If he ever finds out that you knew....