Secret I wish I never knew

[sunshine240778474]

My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

Absolutely this could happen, I have done one of these tests and thankfully no nasty surprises. His Grandad obviously loved him and raised him like a Grandson so that’s what you need to focus on. But you must tell him the truth, difficult to do but the repercussions of not doing so are far worse. Can’t really understand the reasons for the Grandmother doing this.

What! You got told a juicy bit of gossip and now the drama is all about you? You completely believe this juicy bit of drama? If true, it's your boyfriend's drama. It has nothing to do with you. Because you are positively salivating at being the centre of his drama.

And you want to believe it.

Been married a few decades. I absolutely know, the first person I turn to is my husband. And vice-versa.

If you think you're a potential life partner - you put your partner first and have a conversation. You are always a team.

If you're a guttersnipe, you rush to everyone else with the gossip.

Wow @OldPerson

This 100%

Oof @OldPerson !

If DH's parents know, is it perhaps a case that his actual grandfather has died, and the grandmother remarried? As my DS calls my mums partner grandad, but he's not his grandad through blood as my dad died many years ago. It's not something I've thought about and as the years go on is probably something I'd never even think about. I mean do I one day say "Oh by the way DS, grandad isn't your real grandad". What will that achieve? It's not a secret, If he asks, sure I'd tell him. It's something he'll probably twig as he gets older anyway as I call him by his first name.

I think it depends on who told you? If it was a cousin or auntie who could be a malicious or jealous person intent on killing, his mum & dad’s marriage, maybe even you and your husband’s marriage two with one stone, I’d treat it like a pinch of salt and just tell his mum what is being said about her, but if she is the person who told you she believes her husband might not be his dad I’d give her the opportunity to find out and confirm it one way or another before you tell your husband, or tell her she had better tell him herself!

If you’re mother in law and yourself do the DNA test and you find your farmer in law is his dad after all all the rumours can be put to bed the gossipers can button it and nobody gets hurt! Only you & your mother inlaw need know!

Sorry should say farther in law (not farmer inlaw) stupid spelling check 🙄

Does this mean either his mother or father was the child of the Grandma but not the Grandfather? I think you should ask her to tell him since she is a blood relation. I she refuses then you really have to ASAP because he would never understand why you waited. Even get her to tell him with you there too.

I'd tell the family member you are not prepared to keep this secret and give them the chance to tell him before you do.

This.

I think it was very unfair of them to tell you and put you in such an awkward position. If you don't tell your husband and he finds out, then you will be the villain, similarly if you tell him and he let's his family know, you will take the flack for that too.

Ultimately, your loyalty lies with your husband and that needs to take priority. Have you thought about speaking to the person who told you this news, to ask them just why they felt they needed to tell you, was their reasoning actually because they want your husband to know, but want you to break the news to him?

If it was me I would be saying they have put you in a really compromising position, you feel you can't withhold that information from your husband and you will have to tell him. However give them the opportunity to tell him first before you do i.e. a timescale by which you will tell him.; it's then up to your husband's family whether they let him know before that timeframe has elapsed. Good luck.

I would definitely go back to the gran and say she has put you in a really difficult position by telling you, and that you have no intention of living in a marriage with such secrets so you would like to discuss how she would like she to be informed

I wouldn't say anything. I'd take it as a red flag of a weird secretive shit stirring family

I would tell him. Your loyalty is to your partner and also if they didn’t want you to tell him, why tell you?

I have previous in this area. I was told something similar, although a closer relation than a grandparent. I hate secrets of this kind and told the person affected. Long story short, it didn't go well. I was emotionally blackmailed by those who had lied for years and had no-one on my side. My mental health was wrecked for quite a while (back to "normal" now, thanks). And now? Well, nobody died. There are relationships that are stronger and some that are irretrievably harmed. The person at the centre is, I believe, stronger now.

If you keep this from your partner, it will be an invisible barrier between you. I wish I could advise you to go ahead, it will all be roses. But it won't. Letting cats out of a bag is a tricky thing. Good luck.

Bit the op had mentioned it to her partners parents and they know!

So it's also them keeping it a secret from their son. Or maybe he does know bit never mentioned it as unimportant.

What did parents say when it was discussed-surely the dad /son of gran is most affected not a grandchild? And they should tell son

I would be questioning also why is this family member telling you?, He is your husband so what the heck is this other person doing to you, offloading their guilt, and sharing/passing the problem onto you. This isn't fair on you or your husband. As another person says if it was his father then this is a big issue and , if he found out you knew without telling him, but if a distant auntie then is a different matter. Cynically perhaps my thoughts has somebody had an affair and you husband is the baby. Either way, you have been put j an impoossible situation. I would be tempted to talk to this person a d find out whar has happened. They cannot oea e with thìs t9 deal with

I would have to tell Granny that I couldn't keep a secret from husband.
Could you ask Granny if you could visit with husband and would she please tell you both together? Once there, help Granny bring up the topic and explain. Prepare your husband to be a good listener.

It might be that she is 80% certain or 100%??
I would have to ask how certain and help DH get to the truth if he felt moved to know for sure.

Granny might end up wrong.

This ^^

^ this

What @WhatWouldTheDoctorDo said.

If this was the other way around how would you feel? I woukd be fuming if I was him and my partner kept something from me. It would really hurt my feelings. They shouldn't of put you in that position it's not fair.

You MUST tell him!

What a ghastly situation.
I would speak with grandma and say that you are unable to keep her secret from your SO, you wouldn’t like it if the ball was on the other foot and he knew something about you that was quite important and didn’t tell you so you are going to have to tell him. Or she can, you can be together even as support. But like others have said, your loyalty is with your partner. I think he should know.
Good luck