Secret I wish I never knew

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My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

So she had visitors from the bio granddad's family? Who does dh think they are?

@SleepingStandingUp when I got home asked my DP how they were related and he wasn't 100% sure because he had never asked. I know he definitely doesn't know

Your first loyalty is to your partner.

Unless he’s the type to shoot the messenger?

But why break their heart so to speak, just for the sake of the truth

Because he will eventually find out and his family will say ‘but your wife knew’.

Then its a risk worth taking , and a battle for another day

You would think wouldn’t you. I know DP has a sister who was adopted but DPa brother doesn’t know. Also it wasn’t DP who told me!

Why on Earth would she tell you and not him? That's ridiculous, and on her.

I would tell him because it's the right thing to do, and stop worrying about potential outcomes that you can't predict and that aren't your responsibility.

My mum told an ex something about me I didn't know and he had no right to know, I never really trusted her the same way after, it was a strange thing for her to do.

I'd tell your DH, tell him you've been asked to not say anything about it but let him process it and maybe do some kind of ancestory dna test where he can hopefully discover this without breaking your cover. If he flips and she's mad at you look at it this way, you'd rather her mad at you than him.

It's unfair she dumped this on you, my ex MiL and I were close and she told me something none of her dc knew because she trusted me to keep into to myself, and it's nice when people feel comfortable to share, but sometimes a problem shared is just a trauma dump and can mess with your peace.

If she was so open about it then it sounds more like one of those family secrets that is known but noone talks about and everyone has forgotten who does or doesn't know. Some people know absolutely, some are assumed to know but might not cos they weren't paying attention that time it got mentioned in their presence, and some don't know but not cos everyone is keeping it from them.

Families are weird. But I'd probably speak to your in-laws to clarify.

Ask yourself why you were given this information about a third party - assuming it's even true.

It could be the person wants to let him know but doesn't want to be the one to tell him, so you've been recruited to do the dirty work.

It could be untrue information and if you repeat it - to anyone - consequences may be quite harsh.

I'd be very wary of getting involved in this conversation, especially without any real proof.

I am now thoroughly confused. Your partner doesn’t know how he’s related to his grandfather? If I’m reading this correctly, your partner’s grandmother told you her husband wasn’t your partner’s biological relative, so she perhaps remarried after she had partner’s mum or dad? Why is this such a big secret and such a big deal?

I would say it to the grandmother, ask her does she think he has a right to know?

I don’t see why she told you when she didn’t tell him and then asked you to keep a secret from your partner!….completely unfair of her to do this in my opinion….is she some kind of shit stirrer?

I would have told him immediately. Nobody has a right to demand that I betray my husband's trust.

Personally i don't see any good that can come from him knowing. I wouldn't tell him, I would forget i ever heard anything. IF his grandpa was still alive then maybe but hes gone, He will have a lot of questions that most likely cant be answered and honestly it would be breaking his heart for nothing. He will most likely never find out lets face it.

Of course you must tell him.

I think you need to tell her that you aren't comfortable keeping this secret from your partner. Why on earth did she tell you? Does she maybe want the secret to come out before she passes? Ask her to tell him as you feel that otherwise you will have to tell him. It's unfair of her to put you in this position 😒

Tell your partner.

I really hate it when families decide to keep something 'secret' and then openly gossip about it with each other...

I was horrified to hear my mother discuss the fact that one of my adult cousins did not know that the man he thought was his father, his mother's ex husband, was in fact not his bio father.

He should have been told and my mother should not have been gossiping about it.

Nothing good ever comes out of this type of behaviour especially because the person eventually finds out and is appalled that everyone else but them knew about it...

This person shouldn't have burdened you with this. It will be a shock for DP to find out, but being biologically unrelated doesn't change the fact that grandad and grandson had a close relationship. Difficult dilemma but he does deserve to know x

Risk is for OP to determine, not us, we don’t know him.

I would say in that kind of situation that I can’t keep their secrets for them. It is very unfair on you and your partner. You do have to question their motivation for telling you at this point and not your partner.

Paternity fraud is estimated to be a factor in around 2% of births in the UK. Like adultery, it is not a criminal offence except in the case of the lineage of the monarch under the Treason Act.

However, it’s still taboo. So, I suspect that it was a relief for her to be able to tell someone.

The choice of baby name was a catalyst for her to get it off her chest (to someone who had never met her husband and wouldn’t be upset or furious i.e. you). She probably feels better now. However, she’s put you in an invidious position! I think you have no choice but to talk to your partner.

A friend of mine had something similar in her family. A cousin told her that she'd found her (cousin's) grandad was different to the grandad all the cousins thought they shared. I think it came from ancestry dna tests. As there were 5 siblings in the family it was possible my friend's dad also wasn't the son of the man who raised him. Friend's dad is very ill with cancer and both of his potential dads are long dead so my friend just kind of thinks, what's the point in telling him and spoiling his memories of his happy home life with his mum and who he thought was his dad. She hasn't told her mum or sister either as she thinks they'd tell the dad straightaway and she doesn't want him to be worried by it as he's so poorly. It hasn't affected her own feelings about her grandad as whether or not he was biologically related to her she just remembers him as a kind grandad and that won't change regardless of biology.

yes he’s got a right to know. I’d imagine he would be annoyed you knew and didn’t tell him. She’s put you in a difficult position. But your loyalty is to him.

If his father knows, then why was it kept from your DP? That was a rather strange decision for them to make collectively. I doubt many children would be bothered about not sharing DNA with a grandparent.