Secret I wish I never knew

[sunshine240778474]

My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

Sometimes I wander if these DNA tests people can do more harm than good. But then the other half of me says it's everyone's own right to know.

Anyway. I would tell him and tell him she told you not to tell him.

They really couldn't say that. OP isn't staff under confines of non-disclosure. If people want to have and keep secrets then they should. If they tell somebody else then they should assume that whatever it is is no longer secret.

This particular one is not for the OP to keep and nor should she. I would though go back to family member and give them a timescale to tell OP's husband by. Otherwise she will do that herself.

This. I know all sorts of family 'secrets' that apparently my brother doesn't know, although he is older than me and was always there when 'things' were discussed, in slightly hushed voices.

It does also sound like she was just warning you not to discuss it generally, not specifically not talking about it to your DH. And the way he avoided your discussion of the relatives relationship would actually make me think he does know and didn't want to discuss it with you.

Hold on, does your DP’s father know the man who raised him wasn’t his biological father? I presume he does. Why was this kept from your DP? It’s not a big deal. It’s not that granny had an affair and suddenly unburdened herself to you.

I'd tell him. No one can expect you to withhold information like that from your DH! If he finds out (and sounds like at some stage he will as gran told you) it could wreck your relationship.

I really understand your dilemma and you wishing you didn’t know. Before doing anything why don’t you speak to the person who told you and discuss your dilemma. Say you think P should know but don’t want to be the person to tell them.

FWIW I’m not proud but I literally ghosted my best friend when I found out (through a bizarre set of circumstances) something that, if my friend did not know, would absolutely destroy her and her family. If she did know (I’m pretty sure she didn’t) and was planning on telling me one day, I would not be able to act surprised enough, so she’d know that I knew already.

Trust me, this thing was so absolutely sickeningly, monstrous, I can barely stand to think of the people involved even many years later. I feel sick just knowing.

I still grieve for her and I know she was baffled and upset, but every time I’m tempted to get in touch, I imagine the fall out and put my phone away.

Ooooooh I know someone this happened to op. Very similar. My advice to you, based on the absolute shit storm caused by her telling her DH is absolutely don't say a word.

The messenger gets shot in these situations IME and the fall-out ripped that family apart. So as hard as it is I'd absolutely keep quiet - because all I'd be doing is alleviating my own guilt - put it out my mind, and if it ever came out flat out deny I was ever told. The person I know genuinely regrets telling her DH and lives with more guilt than she off loaded.

Who were the visitors who came to see his grandmother?

If his own father knows that he is not the legitimate son of the grandfather then why keep that a secret from your DP? Not that it comes up in normal conversation, but over the years, especially with the naming etc.

In line with a pp, I think I'd be approaching 'D'Gran and say you are aware this is very sensitive information for your DH, however it goes way beyond your relationship on keeping this from him, and how upset/betrayed he will be with YOU when he finds out you knew. Therefore either someone in the family needs to let him know, in [set time] otherwise you will be telling him.

The probability is at some point it will come out. I've just listened to the podcast The Gift, regarding dna tests ie ancestors and the massive, unknown family secrets that are coming out into the open!

Rather than go to grandma can you go to his parents and just say "look she told me this..... I can't/not comfortable keeping something like that from him so you need to tell him". If he finds out later and knew you knew it will blow up.

I don't see why you can't tell him that his lovely grandad was his step-grandad and no-one thought to tell him as it really made no difference to their relationship.

Tell him his grandmother let it slip accidentally and did ask you not to tell but you didn't want there to be secrets between you. Job done.

@sunshine240778474

I agree that this is not a secret I'd keep. It's 'too close to home'.

If you are 1000% sure that his parents do know, I'd probably approach them and say "Gran told me on X day that 'Bob' is not DH's biological granddad and that you know this. She asked me to keep it a secret, but this is a secret that I cannot keep from him (or 'a wife cannot keep from a husband'). I'm telling you this in order to give you time to tell DH yourselves as I feel it should come from you, his parents. I'll leave it up to you how you want to deal with Gran, but I'm certain DH will want to talk to her at some point. If you do not tell him however, I will have to and I will tell Gran that I've done so".

If you are NOT 1000% sure that his parents know, I'd let Gran know ahead of time that I was going to tell DH to give her the chance to tell him herself. I'd tell her that I will be leaving it up to DH to discuss it with his parents.

In either case, I'd set a timeframe, probably 48 hours, for him to be told before I told him myself.

For relevance; I'm adopted, I've always known. But if it had been kept a secret from me and I found out my DH knew and didn't tell me, it would break my trust and faith in him to the point where it would probably end our marriage. How could I ever believe in him again if he could keep something so basic, so important from me? I'd wonder what else he might be willing to conceal?

@sunshine240778474 um! What exactly did the Grandmother say, because from the little detail you've given there are several different scenarios where this could happen:

1. Granny had an affair with someone but her husband never knew that the baby wasn't his
2. She had a baby before Grandad came along and he happily agreed to bring it up as his own
3. Your DP was adopted by both of them and he hasn't got a biological link to his Grandmother either

But also your statement that when I got home asked my DP how they were related and he wasn't 100% sure because he had never asked. I know he definitely doesn't know makes absolutely no sense - neither your question to him or his reply to you. No-one would ask 'so how is your Grandfather related to you'. No-one!! Nor would anyone reply that they don't know either, if he didn't know!! Not accusing you of lying - just asking for the missing detail, which there has to be, so that proper reply can be provided. My advice would certainly vary, depending on the actual scenario

I hadn't been with DP long, and MIL for some bizarre reason, pretty much the first time we were alone, decided to tell me at length, how horrible DPs DF had been during their marriage. He's dead, and they were divorced years previously, so literally no reason at all to tell me.

Then she said 'you mustn't tell DP'.

I wrestled with it for a while, and then asked a friend who I really trusted to give good advice Wtf should I do? She said as PP have - not my secret to keep, my loyalty is to DP not MIL, she was very unfair to tell me and I should tell DP. I took her advice, she was absolutely right. DP was unhappy about the content, but not with me.

As his parents know, I'd tell them she told you, that it's put you in an awful position, and that as your loyalty is to DP you cannot keep this secret from him and think it would be much better and less painful coming from them than from you.

To be clear, GM has contact with the bio grandad's relations, DP knows them, but no one has ever told him who they actually are? That's so bizarre!

I assume the visitors were sat grandfathers cousins or Cousins once removed.

Hence the dh not really knowing who they are -aunts to his parents or just some distance branch. So he'd know they eMate related but not interested enough to draw a family tree.

If you know how parents know I'd assume he knows but it's just not discussed much. And that's all gran meant. Like my mate at work saying his Step daughter is "his kid" but in deeper chats we know he married her mum when she was 3.

So just tell him what gran said as really it's no bid deal particularly if his parents know. He probably knows but never thinks to mention it.

Poor you. What an awful burden Grandma has placed on you.

Tell him. It was horribly unfair of her to tell you.

So is this his dad's father or his mother's?

I assume they know?

I wouldn’t say anything with it being his grandad if it would of been his dad then I would

if it does come out I’d say it was briefly mentioned but you thought she was joking

if it’s a big secret the fallout won’t be for you DH it will be for your FIL I wouldn’t drop that bomb

Of course you 100% tell him. It will destroy your relationship if you don’t. He will know something s up. Just tell him tonight. Do t go through the rigmarole of getting his mum to know you know. It doesn’t sound like a closely guarded secret if she announces it in front of you. He might even know. My grandparent wasn’t biologically mine and I didn’t relaie until I grew up and it changed absolutely nothing about the way I saw them. They were the most loving of my 4 grandparents and I still 100% consider them my full grandparent

This is so ridiculous I'm almost lost for words. How can she not be embroiled when she is getting married in to the family and already has a baby ?!

Absolutely tell Granny she was so unfair to drop this on you and say you've not to tell. Tell her this is not a secret you can keep so is she telling him or are you?

It really does matter that people know if someone is not a relative for medical reasons. People forget that.

I couldn’t have kept that secret for more than 10 minutes, it’s not fair to put that on you to keep from your DP and it could come back to bite you further down the line. Plus if the situation was reversed I’d want to know.

I expect the actual grandad family is who she's talking about. Of course the dh in this knows how he is related to a grandparent.

How long ago did you find out? If recently I'd tell him. If ages ago I'd worry that he'd be angry you didn't say straight away. I certainly would in his position. You know him best though - would he want to know or not? Some people (like me) are the type that would always want the truth, however painful. Others would rather bury their head in the sand. Not saying I would do this but if you decided not to tell him and it ever came out you could always pretend not to have heard her properly - I'd be half wondering in your position if I had misheard. I think honesty is the best policy in general though.