Secret I wish I never knew

[sunshine240778474]

My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

Who told you? I would actually forget about it as its the grandad and you only know half story.

That was a totally unreasonable and, indeed, very cruel thing for her to do. Clearly, she was struggling to keep this to herself, but now she expects you to keep this big secret and live a life with your partner that is not fully open and honest? Awful behaviour.

You'll have to tell him if she doesn't. I'm sorry you're in this intolerable position.

This. She should never have buttoned you with this secret. My DH found out his Grandfather wasn't his biological grandfather because he is interested in Geniology and did a kit you sent away and the match to his cousin wasn't as he expected so he asked his Gran and she told him the truth. His Grandfather was dead by then but it still affected him at the time. Over time he's made peace with it and still thinks of his beloved Grandad as his Grandfather.

Sorry the gran told you, what a stupid thing for her to do. Who else doesn't know? I would still push it to the back of my mind and forget about it and take it as a sign to not get embroiled with the family.

I'd be wary of telling anyone, because the person who told you this could be well meaning but mistaken or a shit stirring liar.

Is there any way this can be verified, without creating any more stress?

If not, I'd leave it.

It is common that the father is not always who people think.

Does it matter if there's a blood relationship?

This man was his Grandfather in every way that matters, loved him and had a wonderful relationship with him, to the extent your partner wanted to name the child in his honour. DNA isn't everything.

This feels like the Gran was jealous of that relationship between grndson and granddad and told you in order to sour it. Does your DP's parent know the grandfather wasn't their biological father?

This is a nasty, nasty thing for DH's grandma to do.

I think you need to keep this nastiness in mind. It is no doubt triggered by your son being named after Grandad and possibly these comments about looking like him. Could be jealousy. It could also be untrue and designed just to stir the pot.

I've had a grandma and greatgrandma who both liked to be vicious and stir the pot. It got worse as they aged. How old is grandma? I know you say she's all there but early dementia can look like this.

It also may not be true, or not certain. Grandad raised his son as his own after all.

Also, genetics are only part of the picture. He was your DH's grandad - that was the role he had. Nothing will change that.

In your shoes I'd tell my DH that his grandma said something really strange and mean. I'd say I didn't believe it was true. But if grandma said it to you, she could say it to others and it could come out.

Tell him. In cases like these, and we have several in my family, people are most hurt by secrecy and lies not by whether there's a blood relationship or not.

He'll still love his granddad that won't change, he might get pissed off with grandma though for shit stirring but he'll get over it

@LenaLamont no it doesn't make any difference at all. It makes me happy our child is named after a man who brought his dad up as his own. What a great man.

I feel bad knowing. I would want to know if it was the other way around. I worry he will find out one day and feel betrayed by me. Also, he may have other family he's not aware of.

@sunshine240778474

Do his parents know?

@happinessischocolate she said they do

You need to tell your husband, it's not a tolerable position. Any fall out is not your fault. This is too much of a burden for you to carry x

Would the greater good be that this is one secret to be kept secret, after all what good would come from the truth @sunshine240778474

Go back to Granny and explain that you'll be getting DNA kits fof his birthday so she's got to get on her marks.

Or simply tell your husband what she said. That is the sort of secret you either keep forvever or blurt out at a family gathering.

What an absolute horrible position she has put you in and hus parents know too?

What a load of unnecessary crap, the guy he thought was his biological grandfather seems to have been a great man and the lack of shared DNA shouldn't change that.

I suspect your partner will be more hurt by the lies than anything else.

I couldn't not tell my partner but I would despise those that put me in that position.

If his parents know them there's no massive shock to them, then tell him. Does anyone really care if their grandparent is a blood relative or not? I'm surprised it's never been mentioned, but I come from a very open family, where stuff like this is stated from day 1

They have kept it a secret from him for over 36 years. I'm just worried telling him will cause the family to fall out. I'm guessing they would be mad at me. I moved away from my home to be with my partner so his family are the only people I really know here so I don't want them to fall out with me. It's such an awkward position to be in

I had a similar revelation when doing an ancestor test.
Showed my grandfather couldn't have possibly been so.
In my case, thankfully, my Dad had already died so it wouldn't affect him at all.
For me it was a struggle at first.
We'd named our second child after him.
In hindsight it was actually comical.

We'd always noticed that DF shared none of the prominent features of his father or his brothers, but no one commented.
It's difficult to reframe you're believed history and accept the reality.
But it needn't be an unholy mess.
Im sure that my dads father must have known that my dad wasn't his natural son. Just looking at where he was stationed in the RAF during the Second World War makes it impossible he was his biological father.

Don't know why we never joined the dots before.

After working through it all I realised that my grand pop was and always would be my grandfather because that was what he was.

Looking back I have even more love for him that he accepted and loved us all

Do you know why she told you? It seems a strange thing to tell your grandsons partner without your grandson knowing. Does his mum/dad know too that their dad isnt actually their biological dad?

Either way, I would be telling my DP as he has a right to know and if his gran doesnt want to you to tell then she shouldnt have told you.

I wonder if she secretly wants this to all come out but doesnt know how to do it??

I would speak to your partners parents and tell them that you know and can't keep it from him. Then ask them to support you when you tell him.

The grandmother has put you in an awkward position.

She had visitors and I just asked her how they were related and she openly told me without hesitation. I didn't expect to hear that. Afterwards she said "keep that between me and you"

Are you certain he doesn't know?

She didn't say he doesn't know and maybe he never mentioned it you because it makes no difference to him.

"Keep that between us" I would take as it's not discussed often or please don't be discussing it, as opposed to being certain he doesn't know.

How on earth can someone think it's okay to tell you that, and also not to tell him? Absolutely dreadful! I'd be getting in contact with the person they told you about, and telling them that they need to tell your partner, so that you don't have to. Because you do have to, if they won't.

Then I'd talk to his Mom and say look Nanna Smith told me this, I am not ok keeping a secret so someone needs to tell him