Secret I wish I never knew

[sunshine240778474]

My partners family member told me that my partner wasn't actually biologically related to a close family member. My partner does not know about this. I was shocked to be told this and was told not to mention to him. I feel terrible knowing this and he doesn't. It really upsets me to think no one has told him. Should I tell him? I worry it will upset him and cause people to fall out with me, but I also feel terrible he doesn't know. I don't want him to find out one day and know I have also kept it from him. I really don't know what to do

What a bastard the person who told you. Ball-less and spineless. I would tell my partner, it’s not your secret to keep.

you need to tell him. Why put yourself in that situation!?

Not her secret to tell either. It might not even be true. If his parents know and believe it to be true, they should tell him.

Can you not play dumb and mention it to your dp so he knows then when mil says again act dumb and say oh I thought dh already knew as it's his grandfather and why would I know and not him, I must have got the information wrong. Just act dumb

The are many posts so sorry if this came up before.

Yes you definitely need to tell your husband. For medical reasons he needs to know where he comes from. There are many genetic factors to determine future or present diseases. This makes a huge difference for any diagnose.
Tell him. He needs to know. Also for your own baby. Find out who his grandad is.

Trust your instinct, this is his gran's secret and really it's down to her to decide how to tell him. I suggest you encourage her to do so.

I was thinking the same thing. Does OP's father in law know about his biological dad? This is huge. And maybe he doesn't.
Of course they should all know.
There are many genetic issues that would make a big difference to know about them. We all have medical issues. I wouldn't be happy with his granny for keeping this information for so long.

I completely agree with @WhatWouldTheDoctorDo—

I caught my dad cheating on my mum. I told him if he didn’t tell her I would.
He had no other choice but to confess.

It does depend on who the visitors were. If they’re grandad’s relatives but he said he wasn’t sure how they were related it may be that he already knows but it’s one of those unacknowledged ‘family secrets’ that everyone knows but no one talks about. I’d ask granny who knows about this and suggest she needs to make sure he knows

I would have told my husband straight away, but I have a very hard line about not keeping other people's secrets. Particularly when given unsolicited.

I actually don't even think it's a difficult situation, just have the conversation, presumably if you used the name because your husband loved him, the lack of a genetic connection does not kill all the years of love.

Secrets do though. Secrets corrode things.

Of course you should tell him

I would mention something, probably an innocuous comment that will make him question you further, then repeat what his gran said to you, and say you assumed that he knew since she just randomly came out with it.

If someone told me a deep dark secret about someone I loved and said "keep it between you and me" I would assume that my loved one knew, and that the person was telling everyone anyway.

Can you go back and ask the gran in a less populated setting about her revelation? Who was the real grandfather and who else knows? It allows you to assess the situation a bit better and maybe she needs someone to talk to about it all. Maybe she trusts she can confide in you and you can support her to reveal the truth?

To me, it sounds like she didn’t specifically say don’t tell your partner and it sounds from your wording he hasn’t said he’s totally unaware that he was raised by a step-grandfather. Too many unknowns. I’m also guessing by his age that the granny is quite old too. There may have been a lot of shame for her to admit this in earlier years.

If this was likely to be devastating news for the entire family then you want to be in full command of the facts and granny is the only one who can help you here. She’s your next port of call.

if your partner doesn’t know any of this and their relationship was close, then he deserves to know but if you’re going to be the messenger be sure to have as many facts as you can at hand so you’re not the one being shot at.

It’s all very easy for us to say tell him but that could be the tip of the iceberg. I don’t envy your choices.

this.

oh and PS my Mil (who was a lovely lady) once told me something about her husband's family that my husband didn't know. She didn't tell me not to tell him but she'd had a few drinks at the time. it wasn't anything as important as that and after thinking really hard I did tell him without telling her that I would. I phrased it that she had told me this odd story after she had been staying with me while he was away and it was at the end of a convivial evening.

How could you even consider not telling him? You’re definitely BU for that.

I feel they shouldn’t have put you in this impossible situation, either way it will cause drama at some point.

personally I’d sit them down and explain calmly what you were told, and how you have felt that they needed to know and make further enquiries should they want to.

also remind them that even if they are not biologically related that Grandad was an amazing influence and they are a credit to him. Step parents can be amazing too.

I wouldn’t say anything. I was told a similar thing 20 years ago but about an even closer family member and have never mentioned it to my husband. It’s not my story, I can’t see any benefit in telling him, and it would cause a huge family fallout much wider than just with my husband. Better left unsaid

Tell them to tell him or you will

They knew you'd tell him. There's no way you I wouldn't tell me husband. Loving marriages tend not to have secrets. Most people know this.

This

My mother in law told me 18 years ago that my husband has a brother he knows nothing about. I almost didn’t marry him over the guilt of knowing this family secret. I now feel it will be up to me to tell my husband and his sibling when anything happens to my in laws but I’ve found peace that this wasn’t my secret to tell and I don’t let it eat me up. Took a few years to get to that point though.

If I'm reading this right, the visitors was relatives of the bio grandad - so your husband's blood relatives. So this isn't a long buried secret belonging in the past, your husbands actual blood relatives are visiting a house he is in and he doesn't even know! This tricky issue seems to exist very much in the present and I would have to tell him. What a horrible dilemma for you though.

If it were me I wouldn't want to know. What difference would it make? Once someone has passed all you have are the memories whether you are related or not.

well who knows if this is even true, but not your information to disclose,is it ?