Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

If you read OP's updates, though, he's gone to attend a funeral. It's a little bit different to him just fucking off for a jolly.

EDIT: Sorry, he's already attended the funeral and left early to be with OP, and is now catching up with his friend who he only sees twice a year. Still insensitive, but not quite as bad as some are making it out to be, IMO.

How anyone has said that you are being unreasonable is completely beyond me. I don't care if you said it was fine, it's an absolute no go. He should never have asked.

Honestly, if I had a flat mate that had just come out of hospital I wouldn't leave them alone to go out for the night. What kind of partner does this!

I would be annoyed but not consider as grounds for divorce!
You should also have said no chance I feel rough and need you here!
I have been a lone parent for most of my now adult DC lives and sadly have had many times when I’ve had surgery or been really ill and had no help - it sucks
On the other hand DS (30) has been offered a short notice op in next few weeks and I’ve had to cancel a pre booked weekend away with friends as he has no one who can stay with him for the 48 hours after they have said he will need
Thankfully I’d booked accommodation on free cancellation and nothing else so did not lose any money
OP hope you feel better very soon

Any adult with a head screwed on right knows that you dont leave anyone, let alone your wife, on their own after an operation. Let alone leave her alone to deal with a dog.

He should not have even considered going! What a selfish idiot.

Hope you’re ok. I think if the vomiting continues you should phone for medical advice.

I had the surgery and was not having the issues you are. Perhaps you need to call to find out if you need to go back in. No idea why you said it was fine for him to go away.

That’s not the correct use of “victim blaming”

He's a twat. When I got sick last year my husband, who was working abroad could of come home, end of his contract, just finishing up and tarting around but he didn't. I was sick as in admitted to hospital through a and E, really quite unwell. Discharged with meds and feeling like shit. He got home a week later. I haven't ever forgiven him and I don't think I ever will.

You said it was fine… Most men need to be told, in my experience. I just think they compartmentalise things.

Report on our local tv news of an elderly lady falling in street, 7 hr wait for an ambulance. Neighbours and passers by worked out a rota to stay with her so she wasn't alone during the wait. Sort of puts the husband's attitude in a bad light doesn't it.

Even if he was going to a funeral I'd expect him to put his living wife first.

Jeez, I would not be happy with that! Hope you're feeling better soon op - had my gallbladder out last year and it was pretty miserable (obviously I'm not as brave as the PP who had no pain...)

Oh! He’s “catching up with a friend? Who he only sees twice a year? That excuses everything! there are no phones or facetimes on the far side of the moon or the Antarctic station where his friend is stationed so naturally he has to go back for the wake after the funeral for a long chat.

Next time hes ill just leave him to rot

I divorced my husband for this reason he showed me exactly where i was in the pecking order

I hate the idea of being looked after so I would not expect my dp to stay at home with me. But , I also wouldn’t expect him to go away overnight when there’s a dog in the mix. Who is going to walk him while your husband is gone as you can’t be expected to. Hopefully your vomiting has subsided now and was due to the anaesthetic. It if isn’t improving, It’s worth getting yourself checked over.

She obviously didn't foresee how she would be

But normally you need someone with you 24hours after a GA

Unbelievably selfish of him

I agree - but I don't think he needs to be in the home with her to do that. Lots of people (myself included) prefer to be left alone when they're unwell or feeling rubbish - if DH was faffing around at home all day, it would drive me insane lol.

I don't think asking if he could go was the crime it's being made out to be, but I also don't think OP should have said it was okay when it quite clearly wasn't.

I also did say upthread also that the dog should have been put in kennels if he was going to be away after the operation (or in general, really, to make things as easy as possible for everyone).

I would suggest that the reason the op ok'd the trip was that she was blindsided, couldn't properly process what he was asking because its unthinkable that your partner would abandon you when you just had a general anaesthetic and an operation!!
She couldn't process it properly and defaulted to 'obeying the male'.
Is it possible that he knew about this long before he told you @StonyMum ?

Surely nobody prefers to be stuck without being able to even make themselves a cup of tea, with a fucking dog to look after when they have an able bodied husband. There is a galaxy width difference between ‘leaving someone alone to recover’ and ‘fucking off hours away’

Have we reached peak Mumsnet yet?

I did say up-thread that I would expect him to leave her with snacks, a kettle, access to water and medication, and to put the dog in kennels. It's in my post at 11.36.

Oh the chill wives are here to tell us they have no needs so no one else should either. They are the four Yorkshiremen sketch of female discussions “I gave birth without anesthetic and crawled to the desk to give my presentation at the same time! I prefer it!”

He asked, you said it’s fine.

End of thread.