Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

Well you did say it was fine.

It’s unfortunate, but quite easy to underestimate just how much recovery time is needed after any type of surgery. When it’s done as an outpatient or you’re sent home soon afterwards, you tend to think that must mean you’re OK. My DH once seriously thought he’d be able to return to work the day after an operation. And I was so unprepared to be feeling awful after having been discharged after an operation requiring GA that I rang the hospital; they (kindly) laughed at me and told me to go and have a lie down.

I had similar with my adult son who lived at home. I had my bedroom set up with kettle, toaster and snacks but did not realise how vulnerable and weak I would feel post surgery. My DS went out supposedly for an hour but was away overnight. Luckily my other DS came round to check on me. This is something you never forget.

How are 15% of people currently saying you are unreasonable??? Did they hit the wrong button.

That is awful. What if you take a turn for the worse? Is he expecting you to walk the dog? Not on at all.

Why did you say it was fine? Why did he ask? Is his selfish behaviour a pattern? I think it's really poor behaviour - of course he should be caring for you - but I think you've enabled it. It stuns me how many of these sort of relationships I see IRL and online. I hope you're OK.

Not everyone is the same, but I could have went back to work the following day after my surgery. See if a friend is free to check in and give you a hand if needed, but you may be like me and not need it (🤞🏻).

It’s not unreasonable to expect him to stay with you post op, particularly as the first 24hrs after a GA you need an adult present. Does not show much empathy or kindness from him. However to say it is fine when he asked shows your communication is deeply flawed. This sounds like a passive aggressive way of dealing with a disagreement rather than being direct, which is the route to resentment.

Having had surgery a few years ago, if someone's had a GA in the last day or so and is taking any opiate based painkillers, I wouldn't take 'I'm fine' as meaning much.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving them alone overnight so soon. DH had to work the day after my surgery but my DF came over to keep an eye on me.

I would be really upset if DH did that. The fact that he asked is irrelevant because how would you know whether you would be alright by yourself? He shouldn't have asked in the first place as it clearly made you feel pressurised to say yes which is very unfair.

I would have been fine letting DH go, but I would not be happy with the lack of checking in.

Not everyone is good at communication after surgery especially if taking opioid painkillers. He shouldn't have asked.

Who is walking and looking after the dog?

If you're too weak to get out of bed and make a cup of tea, surely someone is coming round to watch the dog? Can they help you?

Your H is a complete arse by the way. He never should have left you and certainly shouldn't have asked you when you're weak to agree to something so unreasonable to give himself a get out clause.

But I didn't know at the time I wasn't supposed to do this. Only latterly reading mumsnet did I realise this wasn't what you should do. I'd been walking around the room for hours kicking my heels and waiting to leave (GA at 8am, back in room by 10am, got up and put my contact lenses at 11.30am and nurses gave me discharge documents at 1.30, I was literally waiting to see the consultant so it seemed natural that I'd go down to the car park on my own. It literally didn't occur to me to check.

My point was that I felt a lot better than I had been told I would after a GA, and OP might have felt like that, having previously agreed her DH should go on his trip.

And I can understand why she might have instintively felt it was fine when he put her on the spot.

🤣

I was absolutely fine the day after my cholecystectomy and this would have been OK with me - had it been discussed and agreed, though I would expect him to owe me a big favour. However if you're feeling unwell and in pain I think he should have cancelled. Not very partner-like behaviour. If ut was the other way round what would you have done for him? That said now you've said yes it makes the case a bit more challenging. Do discuss it with him though and make sure he's aware that next time you will expect more TLC!

If he was just going away for a jolly with his mates then I would have said YANBU, but you've said he went for a funeral with a friend he only sees twice a year - I think that's different and puts a slightly different spin on things. You also said it was absolutely fine for him to go.

I think it was okay for him to go under the circumstances but do think he should have set you up in the bedroom with everything you needed first - snacks, water, medication, a kettle etc. for hot drinks so that you could rest as much as possible.

I hope you're feeling better this morning! Take it easy.

He absolutely should know, no question.

I wouldn’t have told him it was fine though, as it isn’t.

Most of all he shouldn’t have left you responsible for the dog. Without the dog it would still be bloody inconsiderate, but with the dog thrown in it’s really nasty of him.

I missed the bit about the dog - I think if he was going away he should have put the dog into kennels until he was back.

Bin him.

Who cares what you said? You are visibly snd obviously extremely ill. Presumably you were being sarcastic.

Call someone who will come over and they can look after you and pack his clothes into bin liners.

Better yet, call ILs and ask them to help you since their son is out with his mates.

I had my gallbladder out a week ago and DH cancelled his plans for the weekend so he would be available - he's normally never around so this was a big deal and greatly appreciated.

TBH I could have coped on my own, but it was a relief to be able to ask him for help now and again. It was reassuring having him there rather than essential. By Monday (day 3) he was back at home and I was alone and I was just about ok.

In fact the dog has probably been the biggest issue for me - not sure I'd have coped with the dog on my own at first.

I don't think there's any point in discussing the specific procedure and how major/minor it is, I've had a few keyhole surgeries and I was unexpectedly in absolute agony the first night with trapped wind in my shoulder from when they put the gas into my stomach, it was almost unbearable. I've had other more major ops that I wasnt in any pain.

Exactly. He shouldn't have asked.

Oh noes! Bored at home! Impossible and heartrending.!

Of course single people have surgery too—but then they make arrangements for aftercare or stay longer in the hospital.

I thought you were meant to have someone with you for at least the first 24 hours after a GA, just in case of complications.
I understand he was at a funeral during your operation, and I apologise if I have read this wrong and he was with you for the first night, but I really think he should have been with you for that first night home especially, whether he was sat bored on the sofa or not. The fact he hasn't even checked in on you at all would speak volumes to me.
I had keyhole abdominal surgery recently and my dh made sure he was home to take care of everything and took over walking our dog. He has his office in the garden and was even concerned about going up there for a few hours, which I told him I would be fine.

That's terrible. I was expecting you to say he was going out for a couple of hours to meet friends or go to football or the gym or something and I was going to say enjoy the quiet and rest. Never in a million years did I imagine he'd leave you overnight.

I don't think you saying it was OK is relevant, he shouldn't even have asked.

I hope you are doing OK and the healing has started.

He shouldn't have bloody well asked!