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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

357 replies

StonyMum · 11/02/2024 00:39

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 11/02/2024 09:53

I had my gallbladder out a couple of years ago.

In recent years I've also had a hysterectomy, surgery on a broken shoulder to put plate and pins in, an arthroscopy for a meniscus tear and cataracts out. So 2 major, 2 less major and a minor surgeries.

Of all those, the only one I could be left alone for several hours the following day was the cataracts, mainly because I only had a local and only had minor discomfort. Even the less serious ops (the arthroscopy and the gallbladder, both keyhole surgeries) I was still suffering from the after effects of the GA and was in a fair amount of pain and needed help to carry out self care for a few days after. Don't even go into the other 2 ops!!

I understand he doesn't see his mate often but his mate should have understood the circumstances!

tchotchke · 11/02/2024 09:55

BlurringTheLines · 11/02/2024 00:47

He asked if you minded and you said it was fine.
You can't have it both ways.

You can’t sign legal documents for at least 24 hours after a general anaesthetic. You also need a responsible adult with you for at least 24 hours afterwards.
So you shouldn’t be blaming the OP for making a ‘wrong’ decision about her care.

To the person who lives on their own and is waiting for the same operation, you need to find someone to stay with you for at least the next day or two or they won’t let you have the op unless they have the capacity to keep you in for a couple of nights.

AnnaMagnani · 11/02/2024 09:57

I was in agony for a couple of days after I had mine out. And talking to friends who had had the same op, I had the easiest time by far.

Surgeon pointed out that if you joined up all the incisions, they would be as long as the incision for an open cholecystectomy and for that you get to stay in hospital. So to have very low expectations of what you could do and if it turned out better it was a bonus.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 11/02/2024 09:58

You Abu to say it was fine BUT and its a bloody big BUT he was a complete TWAT to even ask.!!!
As pp have said decent people would NEVER have asked that and that lack of care / interest is a massive red flag for me.
He asked that question while you were in pain and quite vulnerable and too shocked to object, and asking, has made him look like he was being considerate but he wasnt, the fact he asked wasnt being considerate!!
I wonder what his response would have been if youd said no you needed him!! Stroppy man and you 'being unreasonable??

MartinsSpareCalculator · 11/02/2024 09:59

After I had mine out, I mostly slept. I was very sore, but my husband couldn't have done anything to ease that except make sure I didn't have to do anything that wasn't necessary, like deal with the dog.

Your husband should want to stay with you and look after you. I'd be really pissed off even at the suggestion of him going on a night out, never mind him actually doing it!!

Anywherebuthere · 11/02/2024 09:59

YABU in being mad at him after saying it's fine when he asked.

Had you said no and he still left, that would be a whole different story.

Ideally he should have thought about the dogs needs but seems like you didnt at the time either. It's just one of those things to bear in mind next time.

VeganStar · 11/02/2024 09:59

Absolutely selfish behaviour on his behalf.
I had surgery on my stomach a week Wednesday. I came home this last Thursday and I’m still in some pain when I move. I could not have even got out of bed without help the day after my surgery.
Thank God for the wonderful nurses.
I don’t know how you are managing. You must be in absolute agony.
Had my husband been alive he would never have left me,in fact he would have been waiting on me hand and foot.
Did you say fine sarcastically and he missed the vibe or were you too shocked that he suggested it and couldn’t collect your thoughts.
Either way your dp is an utter and complete Knob. I’d play hell when the selfish twat came home.
I wonder about the scenario had it been the other way around???

Greybeardy · 11/02/2024 10:01

the 'he asked and you said it was ok so yabu' idea really eloquently illustrates why people who've had surgery do need a sensible adult with them for 24 hours (as well as the advice to not sign important paperwork etc) - the stress response to surgery combined with drugs, and possibly pain mean that people often don't make sensible decisions. Those same people may also not spot if they're developing signs of a post-op bleed, infection, etc. The 'sensible' adult should never have asked the question because the answer should always have been that he needed to stay.

daisychain01 · 11/02/2024 10:08

He shouldn't have asked you if it was OK to bugger off with his mates. He gave you the decision-making burden, to get himself off the hook and be absolved to run along and play.

his place should be with you, and if he has to even ask, it's because he isn't that invested in your relationship or your welfare. The fact it has bothered you means it doesn't sit well. You have every right to feel hurt in that situation.

SausageRoll5862 · 11/02/2024 10:12

Next time the selfish oaf is ill and incapacitated, take time out for yourself and forget about him. Go away for a few days and let him get on with it.

Definitely grounds for a divorce!

RiderofRohan · 11/02/2024 10:12

What happens if you develop post op complications? Does he know people are waiting hours for ambulances? If he's pissed and two hours away, who will take you to the hospital?

He is either a man-child with no concept of the above or he just doesn't care.

Morphingirl · 11/02/2024 10:12

they won't let you home for the first 24 hours alone and I would have someone with you for a few days as I've had my gallbladder removed and it was pretty painful and I needed another adult for the the first few days to go and get stronger painkillers for me and take me to the drs .

betterangels · 11/02/2024 10:20

YABU to have said it was fine if it wasn't.

Verbena17 · 11/02/2024 10:21

I had the same operation and was in hospital for a week (because it was done abroad and the employer paid privately so they kept me in) and was in a lot of pain, even though it was keyhole.

Guessing the vomiting is due to the General but you need to double check with 111 or your GP.

He was a total arse heading off and leaving you alone.

SamuelDJackson · 11/02/2024 10:22

You shouldnt really be left alone for at least 24 hours after the operation because of the anaesthetic alone, as you are still processing drugs that can have an effect on your conciousness level, attention, awareness, judgement and coordination - this is why people are told not to drive, be in sole charge of children, cook or operate machinery after an anaesthetic. Over this, theres the issues of pain, nausea and an emergency problem needing admission such as bleeding or other surgical consequences - you should have another person with you to help and contact medical services should you become incapacitated and unable to do so yourself.
This should have been made clear to you/both of you at the time of your discharge from the hospital, along with how to contact them in an emergency -

You should not have said you were fine with it (though its fairly understandable as you were tired/medicated/in pain/ judgement may be impaired as above and perhaps felt bounced into it) but he should definitely not have asked, or gone on the trip.

Pollymollydolly · 11/02/2024 10:23

Glitterybee · 11/02/2024 09:53

100% the same - it was a very simple operation for me and I wasn’t incapacitated after.

I’m a single parent and my kids were much younger, I managed alone - the recovery was easy.

sorry OP but I think you’re being a drama queen

Show quote history

Lucky you, your operation was obviously straightforward. I know other people who were similarly lucky. I however was not.

My gallbladder was stuck to my liver, the surgeon only just managed to complete it by keyhole - and had to call another surgeon to assist - and I was kept in hospital for 3 nights with the first being in ICU.

it is downright nasty to call the op a drama queen based on your own experience. Op has said her surgery was complex and took much longer than expected.

Op your Dh has been inconsiderate but it seems it is unfortunate timing with his friend being over for only a short time so not possible to rearrange meeting. Hope you feel better soon - I was off work for 6 weeks, comparable to recovery from open surgery unfortunately due to the complexity of the surgery.

Enigma52 · 11/02/2024 10:23

What an absolute arse!!
OP, do you have friends/ family nearby to help you?

Please look after yourself today x

Boogiebadass · 11/02/2024 10:24

I know what you mean op. You shouldn’t have to say it’s not ok. He should know it’s not ok to do that. It’s not something you should have to spell out.

bfsham · 11/02/2024 10:27

Were you discharged with anti-emetics?
Poor you.

Blackcats7 · 11/02/2024 10:29

Selfish fuckwit. Who on earth would even think of doing such a thing to a friend let alone someone you love?

Enigma52 · 11/02/2024 10:32

@Droolylabradors yes the stockings are grim. BUT, preferable to DVT!!

Enigma52 · 11/02/2024 10:34

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 11/02/2024 07:50

@Droolylabradors it's the fact you went out and about by yourself, twice, less then 24 hours after GA surgery.

I'm sure the hospital would have been furious if they knew you walked to the car park by yourself because that put them at a serious liability risk to them and physical risk to you, which would have needed more NHS care that sould have gone to someone who needed it and didn't just take risks so they could feel smug about how tough they are. I'm honestly appalled.

Agree 100%
I've just had a TAH and could hardly walk from hospital to the car on discharge day. These are reckless irresponsible action, surely?

Mynewnameis · 11/02/2024 10:42

I'd probably rather be alone, but don't have a dog to worry about

onestepfromgrace · 11/02/2024 10:43

@StonyMum I hope you are feeling a bit better and not in too much pain, though I struggle to understand how you go from fuming to defending him?

My consultant advised me that the recovery from gallbladder surgery is quite difficult. Did you not discuss all of this with your DH beforehand? Did you not have a plan? I had surgery last year and my aftercare needs were priority and arranged in advance. I couldn’t even change my knickers or my surgical stockings by myself.

He is a selfish twat for even considering it, he doesn’t need permission he should know where his loyalties lie. As for you saying fine, have you stopped communicating or are you used to being disappointed or let down, is this the real problem?

Parentofeanda · 11/02/2024 10:46

Tbh i think your both in the wrong. He was in the wrong to go out when you've just gone through that and shouldn't have even asked BUT you said it was fine.
So really your both being unreasonable .. maybe he thought you really didn't mind and no point staying if he cant help and you don't care, But He SHOULD of had the brains to know you don't leave your partner after she has just has surgery, it doesn't take a genius to figure that the day after surgery is a shit time to leave your partner for a night.