My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

It's ridiculous and making a mockery of his parents religion. Walk away.

Excuse me as a Muslim indont appreicate this comment. I am married with a Nikkah and have 0 issues. So please don't speak with such a sharp nasty tongue.

Run for the hills….. this man is showing you how much he has to bow down to his parents wishes. You will have to lie to them. Have the wedding they approve of. Bring your children up in their religion… in essence, live a life they expect not one you want. And he is too under their control to say no.
Get away now before you are married and have children.

Is he lying to them, or you?

Honestly I'd be expecting him to tell his parents he's going his own pathway with you and not to expect religion to be a factor in your marriage/children and they need to get used to it
Is it a country where you/children etc could come to harm if not following religious ways?

This is huge red flags, the fiance wanting you to lie even before they happen, if you have kids, he will want you to raise them in that faith not just pretend I guarantee it.

He isn't the man he is pretending to be.

No no and no again.
If you have children and go over there they will expect them to understand the religion when they are older, how will you explain that they don't?
I suspect like others that your partner will start them on the religious route "to keep the family happy".
If you are adamant they will not be raised religious you have to say no to this now (and anything else religion based like a ridiculous fake wedding).
My PIL are Hindu, I'm sure they'd love ds to be Hindu but he isn't, we have never pushed him down any religious path and they accept that.
You partner needs to grow a pair

@MiddleEats perhaps this PP meant that the religious ceremony isn’t legally recognised in the UK. She will need to have a civil ceremony too.

Please do not consider agreeing to this. What if one of your future sons is gay, how will your partner cope with this and what fallout would your son have being told to stay in closet for his sake, his parents sake. What a ridiculous concept. Ditch the partner asap or instruct him to grow the fuck up.

This is absolutely so true. I wish I had learnt this before I got married. Thinking love is enough destroyed my life.

Love isn’t enough for raising children either.

Take heed OP. Life is absolutely not a romantic Hollywood movie.

It's very likely that although he may not feel his religion is that important right now, he probably will as he gets older. I've seen it happen often. How will you deal with this if he changes his mind and decides he DOES want to bring up your children in that faith?

You also need to consider OP that the person he is lying to is you, rather than his family. He may be lying to you about how important his religion is to him so that you marry him. He may not even be aware he is lying.

I note you say ' we are not particularly religious', which is very different from him not being religious. This makes it sound like he does have a religion and does regard himself as a muslim. If this is the case, I find it very difficult to believe that he will be as pluralistic as you think once he has children.

As PPs said, you may find he is a lot more religious after marriage and after kids.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

You need to sit down and explain to him that if he wants to live a lie then fine, but you won't. If you keep going along there'll be do this and what about that? What you have is a man baby who is still in thrall to his parents and will expect you to be the same.

This can only end one way: badly. You need a man and not a mirage. Ironically the best person to advise would be an iman who would have seen this play out many times.

Do what you need to do for the visit but think long and hard about this man.

He's putting his parents before you and your future kids.

Think about this.

There will still be pressure for you to be religious. Is that really what you want?

This isn't about religion though. It's about dishonesty and boundaries and what he's ok with.

Lying won't end well.

Some hysterical Islamophobia in that post.

No. What’s important to his parents is that he/his children follow the religion, not that they lie about it. He needs to man up and tell them the truth about himself now, and then the question about children won’t come up. Personally, I could not be with someone who is happy to permanently lie about something to close family members. What else might he lie about? What might he lie about to you, to keep you happy?

His family still have a very strong hold of him, are you sure you want to get involved in that mess?

you will never be accepted, God forbid you ever visit them with children and they get taken away from you because in that culture your opinion doesn’t matter.

run a mile and don’t look back.

I know a few people who say the words they need to and go through a nikah just to be with the person. They have no intention of living as Muslims, it's done to appease the inlaws. Thing is, it doesn't end there. There will be circumcisions if you have a son and things like that. You'll be giving up a lot over the course of the relationship. They/ and your partner will not be giving up anything

Does the Koran say that it's OK to lie ?

Agree with many others here. Do you want to be controlled by this guy's parents? Please take a step back before committing anything to this man.

Maybe I'm the only person in the world - who knows? - whose Muslim ex did NOT want our son to be circumcised. (Phew!).
But then there's both Muslim and Christians in the family so very tolerant already.

Not without my daughter is an excellent film. And based on a true story OP.

Couple of weeks ago I saw an excellent series on Netflix called Kalifat (I think it's spelled/spelt).
Swedish and shows children of Muslim immigrants ending up with IS. Terrifying.

Also have a look at Reunite | International Child Abduction Centre | Child Abduction Charity OP so you open your eyes to the reality.

I would NEVER bring up my children teaching them to lie. All sorts of wrong with that.
It will confuse them utterly.

I agree with everyone else (no to lying) but I think, depending on the fiancé invilved, the marriage and children can be considered. I would suggest @Quickrunner91 and her partner do some premarital counseling with someone experienced with cross cultural marriages and specifically islamic ones. I can imagine that partner may sincerely think he plans to compartmentalize life with quickrunner and the kids and life “back home”. He may have lived most of his adult life doing so. But he has no idea how having children will change him—and the relationships he has always kept separate. Its possible that good counseling could help him grasp how inappropriate his request is, or reveal a secret (even to him) longing not to have the problem (by marrying a not very muslim wife who could freely join him in a secularist life style in the uk but a quasi muslim one at home.

Do you really want to devote your life to a man who puts you in second place to his parents?
If you are going to have children with this man you must first marry him in the UK for your own future security. A registry office will do for that.

The children's future should be decided by mutual agreement of the parents. If you can't agree with that then there is no future in the relationship.

When these theoretical children start to talk, all the fake religion will unravel anyway; he'd be better off finding a way to tell his parents now.

It is a marriage that will based on lies eg a religious wedding, fake observance, pretending to be practicing Muslim. Pretending the children are observant too

your actual problem is your partner and his propensity for lies. He lies to his parents, next he will lie to you too. He even wants you to lie as a family so if you have children they too will need to lie

can you see how spectacularly this will go wrong? It will unravel quickly
you will need to pretend to be observant for ceremonies, education and by habit. That’s a big and exhausting ask

when visiting your PIL will naturally ask about attending mosque etc you’ll be expected to lie, you'll need to put on a whole charade

it’s a toxic dynamic that he cannot and will not tell his parents he is not observant but expects an industrial level of lies from you and any children

this is not a good basis to marry or be in a relationship. You know that already though. So, what are you going to do

So he wants to "fake" a religious wedding, teach his hypothetical children to lie and isn't prepared to stand up to his parents' interference ... and you want to marry and have kids with this guy why exactly?

I'd also be mindful of two other things: what might he lie to you about if it suits, and what if, once any children arrive, you discover he's not so "unreligious" at all?