To be pissed about doing all the driving?

[Viewsaremyown]

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

And why can’t his mum drive down to you? Or is she just as bad as him regarding driving?

Well he certainly doesn’t sound as though he respects you telling you to piss off.

Of course it’s completely unreasonable for you to then drive to his Mum so she can also see the children.

But surely long term you need to objectively look at this relationship and whether this works or not. It’s not just about the driving is it?

I don’t think I could cope with a partner who refuses to learn to drive when there’s no medical issue preventing them from doing so. Even if he attempts to take lessons etc, but to wilfully ignore lessons that have been bought for him on several occasions are a massive red flag and then to refuse to discuss it further just compounds the situation.

"Not fair"?? But it's fair for you to do all that driving?

Taking the piss.

Charming. How do you resist him?

Sorry OP but I have looked at your other posts and this relationship isn’t really working is it?

Perhaps now really is the time to think of the future and free yourself from these constraints.

The kids are going to your Mum’s for childcare purposes: tell him it’s his job to do either the drop off or pick up by train. To take his fair share of managing childcare.

It absolutely isn't a requirement in life. Driving is a privilege that not many can even afford.

🤬🤬🤬🤬

I've just had to surrender my licence for medical reasons, and I'm so pissed off.

DH has to do all the driving now and my independence has gone out the window

To read that he's had the opportunity and not taken it is infuriating, the sense of entitlement and the waste of money - other people's money at that

Wankpuffin

It's a fundamental life skill when you live in most parts of the UK, and cost isn't the barrier for him. He clearly sees having somebody around to drive him and his family places as essential: he just doesn't see why it should be him.

Right?!

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Do not drive him anywhere ever again.

Nope. He won't drive, won't have a discussion as to why he won't drive, you dont have to accomodate him. He wants to see his mum, he can go pick up the kids, on public transport, and take them to his mum.

Sidenote; it really grinds my gears when people say they don't drive because it's not necessary. 9 times out of 10 they're relying on drivers to take them places.

Does he like a drink OP? Could that be the reason, grasping at straws here but you never know.....

What a useless specimen.

Or time for couples therapy. Don’t knock it.

Sometimes it takes a third party to tell somebody that they’re being unreasonable.

My husband can't drive but certainly wouldn't expect me to ferry him/ our daughter around like this.

Would you thank people for a present that they knew you didn't want?

It was extremely PA to buy the lessons.

You’re projecting a little there. My eldest doesn’t drive, she lives smack bang in the middle of Leeds, walks to work, and gets the train to see us a couple of times a month. The only time she’s had to be driven anywhere in recent years was the time she overestimated how much she could carry home from ikea, so she called herself a cab.

Saying that, the OP’s husband has no excuses, as he expects the privilege of car use, so needs to step up.

Just saying ‘will you piss off’ would be enough for me.

it sound like you deserve better. Stay strong OP…

This .

I could never be with a bloke who didn't drive .

i hope you're not planning to take the dc to his mum's? if you do then he never has to feel the consequences of not learning to drive. and feel them he should.

As there is zero discussion or explanation on the subject from him, it may have been difficult to deduce he didn’t want to learn. Certainly not PA, however, it is PA to pretend to intend to learn then not take up the opportunity when presented.

If he asks again then give him exactly the same response he gives you and tell him to piss off and start ranting how hard your life is.

Why did you have a child with this loser? YABU as he made it pretty obvious from the start when he didn't bother with the lessons

Two kids!!! even worse.