To be pissed about doing all the driving?

[Viewsaremyown]

So my partner and father of our two kids doesn’t drive. Not a crime in itself, but I think he’s unreasonable about it, and would love to know if you all agree.

Years before our first child was born, I bought him driving lessons one Christmas (learning to drive was on his to-do list). He never took a single one, and never gave any explanation or apology for not taking a single one.

Realising that there was probably some sort of anxiety/shame/pride thing at play I have tried to talk in a sensitive way many times over the years to understand if he wants to learn, will ever learn, how he feels about it. Any mention of driving typically results in me getting my head bitten off.

Ahead of the birth of our first child, I hoped that he might learn (he kept saying that he would), but he didn’t and we had to take a taxi to hospital and get a lift home from my parents (not the end of the world, but not massively comfortable being in labour in a car with some random taxi driver, and felt pretty immature getting my parents to pick us up).

Second child - same. Had to get a lift from friends during Covid lockdown.

Now we have two kids and both parents several hours away, all of the driving is on me.

My whole family bought him driving lessons for Christmas a few years ago (about 10 years after the first time) and again, didn’t take a single one, no explanation given, wouldn’t talk about it.

I like driving, and I have said several times that I can be ok with it, if he could just tell me, out of respect, that he wasn’t ever going to learn for whatever reason. He has never provided an explanation.

As a result I’m getting increasingly pissed off with doing all the driving, particularly when I get requests like this half term:

My parents (1.5hrs away) are looking after kids for the week. I am dropping them off and picking them up. At the end of the week he now wants me to drive to his mums (2hrs away) and back, because ‘it’s not fair’ on his mum that she won’t get to see them.

I’m knackered from working a full-on job, The Juggle and looking after kids on my own when he’s away for work for weeks at a time. On top of that his Mum’s house is a mess and constant drama so no holiday.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to do that extra drive?

My ex was like this. Now I've put some distance between me and him I can see the problem was probably that he just wasn't cut out to be a good driver - and tbf not everyone is - and that didn't fit with his overinflated sense of his own brilliance at everything. I like driving and am good at it, but I did get fed up with having to do every school run, every day out, every late night station or party pick up for the DCs. It would not have fit at all with ex's image of himself to be crap at something that I was good at so he just wouldn't even attempt it.

When I finally left him, he hit back with the insult that he'd be happier without me because I made him feel "like a passenger in his own life". 😂

I bet he has other difficult traits, OP - am I right? If so, don't ignore them as long as I did.

ZOMBIE!

Oh, duh! Why do people do that?

I. Pulse be with a partner who didn't drive. I love driving but I also love being a passenger when my husband drives.

If he would only say why he won't learn then you might at least the frustration and anger that you feel about it.

I would get a male relative to have a private chat with him as to why he won't step up and why he won't give you an explanation as to why. He might open up to a man.

I would never have got seriously involved with someone who couldn't drive in the first place and certainly wouldn't have had children with him.

My first boyfriend didn't drive. No reason, he just couldn't be arsed and didn't want to spend the money. He was "happy" to let me do all the driving, watch me drink soft drinks on night outs etc whilst he drank alcohol. He just couldn't see a problem - even started down the "virtue signalling" road of how cars are bad for the planet etc. Yet he was happy to be chaufered around in one, either by me or in taxis! When he started expecting me to go out of my way to drive him to work and pick him up afterwards, and accused me of being selfish that I wouldn't as he'd have to pay for buses, I hit the roof and binned him!

Unless you have a disability or live in a big city with excellent public transport meaning you never need to get into a car (private or taxi), then driving IS a basic life skill!

It’s DH’s job to facilitate DC visiting his parents. He can:

• learn how to drive
• take the train
• take a taxi/Uber
• take a National Express bus

Time to put on his big boy pants and not expect you to do a 4-hr round trip for his parents when you’re already doing 3-hr round trips to your parents.

It’s a huge ick for me. There’s something infantile about it. Asking ‘mummy’ for a lift feels teenagery to me. (Apologies to the rest of you that also can’t drive, but I is are personal!)
on top of this he’s rude and uncommunicative about it?
no you are not being unreasonable at all- you sound extremely understanding and forgiving.

Why are you putting up with this?

I am in this position - without the petulance and being told to piss off thankfully, but the silence and refusal to engage on why he won't learn and at least three attempts of not many lessons. It has brought me to breaking point many times and has definitely impacted my marriage and how I feel about him. Not so much the not driving but the broken promises, the not engaging and the not caring about the impact on me.
The way I have learned to deal with it is to not step in. There's a car outside. If he has a journey that he could use that car for then he has to find a way to get there, it's not my problem, even if it's raining and there are several changes of bus/train. What's really maddening is our 20something DC also refuses to learn to drive so now I am the same with them. I don't give lifts to people who could drive but refuse to.
Let him get the train to his mother's. It might be a pain for your kids but that's on him...

Presumably that still leaves you always driving for any days/trips/evenings out where you are going as well though?

I say this gently, but he sounds awful. What is he adding to your life?

@Shinyandnew1 It does. Some of our biggest rows have been 6 hours into a long drive when I am tired and sore and cranky and absolutely over it. I use public transport far more than most drivers I suspect and would never live anywhere without it for this reason, but yes, it's an utter pain and 25 years on I am still resentful which isn't a great thread to have running through a marriage.

If he’d asked nicely if you’d take him and the children to his mums and acknowledged that it was likely to be an imposition on you then fair enough, but if he’s expecting it then tell him you don’t want to. You owe him as much explanation as he has given you, which seems to be none.

You could offer to drop him off at the station if you want to be nice.

The other irritating part about this of course is that he can never go to his mother with the kids and leave you at home for a rest! When’s your down time?

I think you have got greater issues than the driving tbh.

Marriage should be a team. Both members of the team won't necessarily have the same skills. But should pull their weight as part of the team.

The big problem is your team is not working and you cannot get explanations why from your partner, or recognition that there are issues.

Your partner appears to have some deep seated issues around driving. That itself shouldn't be a problem. But not explaining them and not pulling their weight in other areas is.

I suggest counselling. Maybe if your partner cannot open up to you, he can explain to someone else why he feels the way he does and maybe an independent can explain to him how his behaviour is causing you distress.

My guess is if you don't do something about this it is going to eat away at your partnership and eventually drive you apart. If he can't see this and isn't willing to do something about it, either by discussing it with you or a third party I think your relationship is doomed.

Does he have ASD?

This sounds so infuriating. What a selfish twat. I don’t really care what is behind it all, at the front is a selfish and lazy man, who leaves the majority of work to the OP, thinks he should get a medal for doing anything at home, and shuts her down with verbal abuse when she tries to raise any of issues with him.

Prick.

“Ha. When you learn to drive, then you can decide where we go.”

Oh MN ladies - thanks for unearthing this post! It’s quite cathartic to look back and see everyone’s replies, although sadly I am still spinning around in the same little eddy of to-leave or not-to-leave…. As much as many Mumsnetters like to tout the ‘just leave’ option, it’s not so simple with kids or in an area with expensive houses.

He still hasn’t learnt, and it still remains a thread of resentment (as a poster so eloquently put it) in our relationship. Is it possible to drop the resentment and move on? Has anyone succeeded??

And @OldCrocks - you are right; it’s not his only difficult habit. While he is generally a fun, interesting and intelligent person who (when not making me mad) makes me laugh, the list is something like this:

• is madly messy and comes from a family of hoarders and has massive hoarder tendencies (I don’t use the term lightly - his parents house is so full of utter crap, bags of rubbish covered in dust, etc)
• has a habit of blocking decisions and refusing to talk about things (anything requiring a decision, from kids stuff to DIY to moving house) so nothing gets done. We are still in a house we’ve massively grown out of ONLY because he won’t talk about it, despite numerous family/friends trying to speak to him.
• is a hyperchondriac - not sure what the actual definition is, so he’s probably just on the moany side of the real thing, but every day it’s a new ailment. It’s such a joy drain.
• holds grudges for the maddest things and goes on (and on and on) about them for years later.
• when he’s angry, he goes on (and on and on) in an uncontrolled way, literally can’t stop. On countless occasions I’ve hidden from him to get away from his rants (he still goes on, through the door, or the sheet I’m hiding under).

Perhaps this rant would be better placed in a new post but it felt good to write it 😂…anyway, I appreciate all your posts and sympathise with those of you in similar situations.

Oh god, leave...just leave, or plan to anyway. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're knee deep in a relationship like this, but speaking as someone who has recently re-read my own old thread from 2019, I can promise you that you'll eventually wonder how you ever put up with it all. Blocking decisions, holding grudges, and your shocking last revelation about having to hide to escape his uncontrolled angry rants... Honestly, the ridiculousness around driving sounds like the least of it. I do understand it isn't quite as easy as just LTB, but this is your one and only precious life. I really hope you find a way to escape this awfulness. x

I hope that for the Op too @OldCrocks - good luck Op.

Your relationship is what you are role modelling for your DC, and if you want better for them, you should want better for you too.

At some point you'll get to the "to-leave" position, and wonder how you tolerated this behaviour for so long. I hope you get there sooner rather than later, so you can start living a life that isn't dragging you down.

Thanks, I really appreciate that. It sometimes becomes a bit clearer when written down I find…! I think you’re just confirming what I think already, I just need to work out the logistics of it all.